AIBU for telling my son that who I date is none of his business?

[OneJollyTealLemur]

To keep it short, I was recently approached by a guy at the gym, and we just hit it off from the start. We're both really into working out, exercise in general, sports and that sort of thing. I'm having an absolute blast with him as my fitness buddy and boyfriend. The thing is, he's 27 and I'm 53. This past weekend, he was staying over at my place when my son turned up for a visit unannounced. I've kept this relationship private because I've never been one to make a big deal out of my dating life, so my son had no idea. To say my son wasn't happy about my new boyfriend would be an understatement. When we were alone, he said he'd really appreciate it if I ended things with this guy because he finds the whole thing embarrassing and weird. I told him that it was none of his business. He's 31, has a girlfriend and a life of his own, and he can do as he pleases, just as I can. He just scoffed and said, "Whatever." I've been thinking about the whole thing ever since, but I honestly can't see why I should have to justify my personal life to my fully grown son.

He was concerned only about himself though?

You can also be embarassed for someone.

Knowing he was only born when my son was already at school would automatically make it a no go for me. Anyone who is at a similar age to my son’s friendship or peer groups would instinctively be off limits. I’d be too embarrassed to be open about it with friends and family, so that would also put me off.

No I can't think of any scenario in which a woman could be creepy and manipulative. Certainly not in intergender sexual dynamics anyway.

In this particular example the male would be more likely to be the suspicious party, perhaps trying to lean on an older more experienced woman for resources or career opportunities. Or perhaps even somewhere to live, who knows really.

Having kids seems to make people view this sort of thing through the lens of "younger than my child." The guy is 27! He's not a child, he's another adult who OP has found a connection with. No one else's business.

When faced with this, it is usually better not to state the obvious that the boyfriend is really a scammer because the vulnerable relative usually denies it and says it is a real relationship because they cannot face the psychological fall out.

He's probably embarrassed and concerned. If my dad turned up with someone younger than me. Id have something to say.

A friend of mine once dated a younger guy, similar age gap. It didn't last long because he soon found someone to marry and have children with.

My son is 27 and I'm 55. I'd be so disappointed if he got with a woman my age.

Who cares? She's not responsible for other people's feelings of embarrassment, nor did she ask for it.

Besides, he was only embarrassed for himself and was dismissive when she tried to talk. This isn't the actions of someone who is worried about his mum, just himself and how it looks to others.

Where does it say he found his mum in bed ?

Have you never come across new articles where a woman teacher has seduced a pupil? A different scenario to this, and of course illegal, but it’s manipulative and I think, creepy.

Concern I appreciate but the OP's post said nothing about concern. In fact, shut down the OP trying to talk about it. If he was concerned, surely she could've been allowed to explain and talk about his fears?

Oh no, I've just remembered the time at work I asked a customer what their dad thought gesturing to the older man next to them, only to be told it was their husband 🤦🏻‍♀️ 💀

I don't think I'd be best pleased if I was your son, shagging someone younger than him is just a bit off.

No need for that. I don’t get all the vitriol on this post. It’s Op’s business and nobody else’s who she dates/has fun with/ sleeps with.

There are plenty of situations where adult kids have been appalled their dad is dating a woman younger than them, and most people seem to agree that dating a woman of 26 when your own daughter is 29 is not looked on favourably.

Do you know any of this as a fact?
Just a load of presumptions. The OP certainly doesn't sound vulnerable for a start, she's 53, not 103!

Op might not have mentioned it. Doesn't mean he isn't.

Hmmm - this is interesting.

Obviously you are entitled to date who you like. However, you don't like in a vacuum and people do take a view on things like this - why they do I am not sure (although I am not saying I am immune to feeling it's a bit weird).

There is no obvious power imbalance here, so it doesn't seem like you are 'taking advantage' of him. I wonder whether a large age gap makes the sexual nature of a relationship more conspicuous in some ways? Maybe that makes us feel uncomfortable? Like a kink on display? I am not sure.

I'd be oddly embarrassed to date a 27yo if I was 53 though and I am not 100% sure why.

Doesn't mean he is!

Who wants their mother dating someone younger than them?

Gross! I agree with your son!

agree with your son I'm afraid

Either way don't blame him. I'd be embarrassed too!

Age is only one factor for vulnerability. You can be vulnerable at any age depending on other factors.

ew, are you joking? Happy she still had it 🤢
*edited to add, it’s ok to be happy that a woman of an older age “still has it 😉” when not speaking about relationships with significantly younger men.

I wonder how your “boyfriends” parents feel about him dating someone in their 50s that has a son younger than him.

understand this is predatory behaviour and leave young men alone.