Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

I’ve no idea whether you are obviously aggressive in real life , but the tone of your post certainly is, and the likes on my comment evidence that others think the same. What with that and the charmless description of ‘shitty neighbours’ I don’t think many would anticipate much in the way of neighbourly give and take from you. Take maybe, give not so much.

That's fair. But houses have cameras and phones have cameras. Nothing stopping next doors grandchildren/random visitor filming and posting OP’s son thinking it’s funny… OP’s son is entitled to dignity and privacy but it is clear that the current situation doesn’t offer him this…

Filming him without clothes would be illegal.

This could be preempted with a conversation with the children about what is going on next door and how they should handle it.

If I knew about the situation I could overlook the nudity but he is going to be going through puberty very soon, so it's something that needs to be addressed. I acknowledge that's easy to say. I would have an issue and expect something to be done if other things start happening as he gets older. Is it possible to put up shade sails to shield him from the neighbour?

Your neighbours should be able to find way to deal with the noises. Maybe suggest they could put on some music they enjoy to cover it?

Umm excuse me, rude much? I was actually remarking about the fact that the neighbour clearly had something to say about the OP's child being naked in the garden, so obviously he was looking. It sounds like he's a bloomin pervert to me, I think he needs to be on a register, if he isn't already that is.

Why do ND kids get a free pass to run around their gardens naked? Either it's OK for anyone to be naked in their garden or none. Surely the Govt should just issue guidelines.

Maybe that's the way to deal with it.

"Steve, I'm so sorry you caught a glimpse of my DS from your bedroom window, despite him being in his own back garden surrounded by 8' fences. I do appreciate that 99% of the population would have no difficulty just looking away so I can only infer your inability to do the same means you have to report it to your probation officer. Please rest assured I won't be reporting it as breach of SOPO."

This. Obviously it’s hard for the OP but it must be hell living next door to it.

That's really going a bit far. Also, if the neighbour was really a pervert, why would they complain?

That sounds ridiculous

It's meant to, it was tongue in cheek.

Hi @NatureandBee apologies it's late and I haven't had the chance to read the full thread but my 8 year old son is exactly the same as yours and we have had to ensure he's not disturbing our neighbours too much. Also, we have found these zip up vests from M&S an absolute life saver as he can't get out of them to strip, and his school uses them now too. You can only get them online. I don't think Mumsnet allows links for shopping, maybe they do, but anyway, it's M&S adaptive rompers - up to age 16 and they zip up at the back with a button as well. They sell out fast but they wash well and don't shrink in tumble dryer either. In winter time we put his joggers over the top of them plus a jumper, in summer he just wears that. Works well. At school they put his school polo shirt over it so when he inevitably strips his dignity still intact. Plus it's helpful at soft plays too!

Ps, I'm sorry your neighbours didn't speak to you first. I think that's pretty shitty tbh. To immediately escalate it. I've spoken to our neighbours and we do try and minimise him being on his own in the garden and also ensure it's not late or too early. Thankfully they are fairly understanding.

For reference, one day I was out walking with a blind friend, I am deaf, both of us use walkers, sticks,my friend had a hivis harness on and a guide dog. We were on a wide path with a flat mown lawn 2 m either side. A group of people in their late teens were approaching us in the distance when suddenly one boy with a push scooter aimed at us at speed and collided with my blind friend then shot back to his group after I shouted at him. When the group came closer, one older boy excused this behaviour on the boy being autistic. My friend said "So autism trumps being blind?!"
If someone cannot behave for whatever reasons, then their options do need to be restricted for the well being of others. This boy should not have been allowed to injure other people but should have had use of his scooter in a safer environment only.
I used to teach special needs children including autistic non verbal ones.

This on the other hand is absolutely serious. Never mind whether it's about ND children or anything else - no, the government should not issue guidelines, what sort of illiberal autocracy would you like to live in?

The rule of law is that an individual may do anything that is not prohibited by law. The state may do nothing that is not permitted by law. If you get those things the wrong way round you get a tyranny.

A government issuing guidelines about who may be naked in their own property and where within that property they may be naked strikes me as perilously close to the state doing things that are not permitted by law. I can't envisage Parliament passing a law permitting the govt to issue such guidelines, and if it did, I can't see how it would be (enforceable) statutory guidance.

Whereas a 10yo in their own back garden opting out of clothes is definitely not prohibited by law. Whether they are ND or not. So it's not really that ND kids have a "free pass" to be in their own garden naked. Some NT 10yo children will have parents who are not bothered if the kids are running round naked in the garden.

He spends time at school, out with mom, at his dad's, etc. he's hardly there the whole time.

Sounds like the best way to restrict his options for the well being of others should have been for him to be in his own back garden surrounded by 8' fences, perhaps.

Like OP's child.

There is literally no good option for SEN children here - in their own back garden and the neighbours aren't happy. Out in the community and they can't cope and the community isn't happy.

And if you believe that in this particular scenario the older boy was telling you the troublemaker was autistic for any better reason than to get your sympathy and try to avoid a bollocking, I have a bridge to sell you.

Shutting people away ....is your answer? How is your nephew being prevented from going outside? Are you happy with that?

True but they are likely living on edge for when he comes back and the noise starts again. Noisy neighbours can wreck lives as there is no respite from the stress.

Yeah and what is the neighbour gets in from work to immediately have her peace disturbed. It may be the case she rarely gets any quiet in her own home

Yes there is, they are called ear defenders. Very handy for people who seemingly are unable to tolerate autistic people living their lives.

Alternatively, they could go live in the woods. Though perhaps the sound of birds chirping in the morning would be a tad too problematic for them too. 🤔

and even if it is quiet when she gets home then she can’t relax because she knows it’s only a matter of time before it starts again.
It seems a horrific situation for the OP and for her neighbours

Have you tried any special sensory targeted clothes?

You have enough going on. Let him be free to enjoy being in the garden.
He is who he is. No need to be embarrassed

So what do you suggest then
Loud severley autistic people exist should we just lock them all away so they dont annoy neighbours?

Don’t be ridiculous, she hasn’t said that, she is just empathising with the neighbours who are in a dreadful environment through no fault of their own.

Where has anybody suggested ‘stopping’ him from going into the garden? Do you understand what the word compromise actually means?