Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

She can't report anyone for looking out they're window. What nonsense

Isn't that what "vocal stimming" is

… No.

@NatureandBee
I haven’t read the entire thread, but I’d just like to say this.
Often ND people have their own timeline. Learning occurs at different rates, and because in some cases it can be so much slower than the NT community, it could be missed and presumed non existent.
(I know of 40+ year old individuals who have stopped bed wetting within the last few years. Learning how to put on shoes in their 30’s)
I know that there will be some individuals who won’t be able to learn certain things, but, if your son has learnt to differentiate clothes on while going out, he will be able to learn to wear clothes in the garden too.
I personally wouldn’t be bothered about a 10 year old naked in the garden, but knowing how long it takes to learn new boundaries I think that you should keep going with enforcing clothes rules as much as you can. To be honest with you, I think that you should work on that in the house too.

I know that we want our children to be comfortable, but I don’t agree with the concept that the rest of society should be the one who adapts 100%. Not only is this not realistic, it also doesn’t put our children in the best position to experience opportunities and potential joyful experiences in the future. Society can compromise and be adaptable, but it will ultimately be down to the individuals who are caring for our vulnerable people who decide what they are able to participate in within the community.

The less cognitively able your son is, the more he will be reliant on others to let him experience the world. The ability to remain clothed could determine whether he goes out regularly within the community or he spends his time at home. It could mean missing opportunities to go on holiday, or whatever.

I understand where those saying “society will just have to adapt” are coming from, but this is partially wishful thinking. Society will adapt, but at it’s own pace, and within certain boundaries.

Vocal stimming, is a noise level, and is akin to other noises that a lot of society make, day in day out. It’s something to keep an eye on, in the same way as any other activity which makes noise, be it building work, music, kids playing. It is part of society. It doesn’t have other considerations aside from creating noise. There aren’t dark connotations connected to noise.

Nudity, in an adult, especially an adult male, won’t be easily accommodated, unless the individual is capable of living independently. An adult who requires assistance will find it difficult to find carers ( generally female) who will be happy to work with him , or in a group setting.

I do have understanding neighbours with my son. We just talk to them and explain what our child is going through, which I think helps. We do try our best and have been strategic about where his bedroom is, bring him in if he is really noisy or distressed. We wouldn't have him outside bouncing on a trampoline at 7am, even if that was what he wanted. I can't even begin to tell the posters on here how hard it is having a child with complex needs. I put my child in a zip back outfit last night - he still decided to do a bit of painting - with poo. Not every intervention works. I am going to design some soft fleece loin cloths for my son for when he decides clothes are optional.

Life elsewhere doesn't stop with a severe SEN child, you have to deal with death, work issues, your own ill health and moving home like everyone else does, but with the added crap of being a carer - for the rest of your life, not just over 3-10 years when someone gets dementia. My son is basically a child with dementia who will get stronger and I'll have to care for him as long as I can physically manage. It does sometime feel like a prison sentence if I am being honest.

It is just the fact that the neighbours went straight to the HA really that bothers me. That sounds awfully sneaky to me, like they just wanted to scare the mum or hope they get evicted. It really shows a lack of willingness to compromise. You can always write a letter if you are scared of talking to someone.

With severe disabilities there has to be some acceptance of what can't be changed or minimised. There isn't an intervention for every single behaviour. You can't just lock a kid in the house because they are disabled. Soon enough, people would be labelling you about that too "oh that child screams all the time because the lazy mum never takes him out" probably. It really is a horrible life being a SEN parent and how awful some judgemental people can be, but I do agree some parents are able and more willing to try solutions better than others, some might just be exhausted, some will just refuse to compromise. The OP is clearly trying to be decent about it, the neighbours aren't.

Squabbling over whose rights trump the others is really childish and doesn't solve the problem.

A prepubescent child should be able to run around naked freely in their own enclosed garden. One of my kids still did at 10. Any sign of rain or hail and she’d be out in puddles and jumping on the trampoline. As long as the noise isn’t continuous, you shouldn’t feel uneasy about it.

Haven't RTFT, but all of OP. I can't see if the HA suggested that you had to make changes or that your family was unreasonable.

Obviously you don't want to upset your neighbours, but will there be any further action taken against you if you are unable to satisfy your neighbours?

How would your son cope living next door to OP's son?

The fact that he knows for long certain the child is naked is proof that he was looking too long. Any normal person would have glanced into the garden, accidentally caught sight of the child and noticed something wasn't quite right then immediately looked away before they could know for certain. That is how I know something isn't quite right.

@Urgentbiscuitrequired I hear you and you're 100% right. I don't know what it is about MN and autistic children, but there is a persistent belief that our struggles (and those of our DC) are somehow avoidable with stricter parenting and boundaries. That's why ND DC are assumed to be over-indulged, problematic and in need of boundaries, rather than disabled and genuinely needing accomodation and understanding.

DS' sensory issues extended to smearing as well. It was the worst time of my life and if he had not grown out of it I would have committed suicide. Not saying that to be dramatic, but sewing my squirming toddler into a onesie was the lowest point in my life. Even now I joke that I won't have time to die, whilst secretly worrying about what happens when I do. DS had his six-monthly pediatrician appointment this week and I went in with my laundry list of issues, as I always do. When the consultant said "and how is mum doing?" I just started crying, because no fucker ever asks.

So the idea that I could magically fix DS by being a bit stricter and telling him that x, y and z are just not really acceptable or civilised, and need to stop, is laughably naive and ignorant. Likewise, I am sure if the OP could stop her DS stimming and get him to keep his undercrackers on in the garden, she would do it. For herself, not for the ableist gobshite neighbours.

I don't think that is the case, why would you ask them to get dressed if you were a perv?

So the neighbours have to stay inside then?
Jesus Christ.