Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

Ah yes i have a water loving boy too
His very favourite thing to do is block the kichen sink and flood the kitchen.

You don't actually know how she comes across in person. How many people are here are too bloody scared to speak to their neighbours about the slightest little thing

The being naked thing is non negotiable, no clothes, then he’s not going out, that is a valid part of the complaint. I understand he’s Autistic, as I am myself, but what happens when he decides he doesn’t want to wear clothes in school or somewhere in public, he could get in trouble in the long term.

The noise, I would try explaining how he uses stimming to cope and without that he would make much more noise with a meltdown or something similar. Or if you have a friend who could maybe intervene who might be heard better than you and less likely to be defensive maybe?

I would work really hard on getting him to keep pants or swimming trunks on outside. Will this be less of a problem in the winter or will he want to strip off anyway?

As for the noise- i don't know if you've really said how long he's noisy for. Does he go out into the garden for half an hour then come inside, do something inside, go back out, so there are periods when he's quiet? Or is he pretty much constantly outside and noisy from 8am till bedtime?

If it's the latter then I don't think that's fair on neighbours and you should try to make sure there's some time in the morning and in the afternoon each day when he's not outside.

Easier said than done I know, but I think that's something reasonable to aim for.

I'm surprised the boy hasn't been badly sunburnt if he's out naked in the heatwaves we had this summer. If he's in a pool then any cream would soon wah off

Yeah we just reapply it.

All day.

With lots of push back about that.

Maybe his mum is there to reapply it.

Amazing, destined to be a plumber!

With a Marshal speaker turned up full volume !!

If he is accepting being creamed constantly. Many kids hate it

😂😂

It feels like an awful no win situation.

My own autistic child drives me mad with the repetitive noises, I wouldn't fancy hearing someone else's over the fence. However, there is a limit to how quiet you can keep him.

Oh bless his heart, I imagined he was a big hairy teenager.
They can't see him if they don't look out of bedroom windows when he's in the garden - they don't have to look.

Their grandchildren will have a seen a child with no clothes on before, they'll only giggle and can be told the boy has a condition and cannot help it.

I don't know what can be done about the noise your son makes, don't know what stimming sounds like (I will research it), but cannot imagine it is louder than someone having a party with a dj in the garden, or swearing, having a fight.

The weather will become cold soon, and probably rainy, so things will quieten down for your neighbours, if not for you.

I feel for you, NatureandBee, I really do. You sounds like a great mum. x

I see what you mean, and if he really does just keep it to the garden, I can understand her point of view. A small part of me feels just slightly bad for the neighbours, just because I would want to know when it would end. A six year old being naked is one thing, a fourteen year old quite another. I'm honestly torn.

It's still each person's responsibility to keep the problems in their household from becoming the neighbors' problems, as much as is reasonably possible.

Having autism now makes you a problem, LOL

Truly astounded by the amount of people genuinely unaware that you almost never make a child with autism like this quiet at your own will, and attempting to do so typically just makes them louder. When they're angry or upset, there is no gentle calm words, let's think of a happy place techniques that work with NT children. You just have to go through it.

The point is, he's just making sounds. He cannot talk, he is verbalising by making these sounds. It is the equivalent to a NT child talking, laughing, etc. The neighbours should be able to enjoy their garden in peace and this little boy should be able to enjoy his garden in peace. He is allowed to take up his own personal space. He is allowed to make noise. He is no less deserving of being able to enjoy his home because he is autistic.

Then bring him in when he starts getting overly loud.

yeah, no, don't do that OP. Don't teach your son that him enjoying his space and verbalising as he wants and needs to is something to be punished. If he's screaming his head off for a long time, throwing things at the fence and actually misbehaving, then yeah, bring him in. Don't bring him in if he is just doing the equivalent of a NT child talking. Would you force a NT child back inside for talking? No, I didn't think so. So why should she.

He could be 60 naked in his garden commenting zero offence.

Unless he is doing something sexual he is perfectly fine and legal.

Actually, him being as old as ten makes me more team neighbour. That is really too old to be outside without clothes, even in your own garden. It isn't appropriate and OP needs to make him put some clothes on. They need to suck it up about the noise, though.

It may be legal, but if he is visible to others it is not appropriate at all.

I would hazard that every parent of an autistic nudist is painfully aware of how appropriate or inappropriate that is.

We left once a playground, quite forcibly and loudly in the end, because he was trying to get his bits out to play with. Developmentally he was doing it in the same way a toddler who had just discovered them would. Except he was 8.

We know that our children should wear clothes. We know that the older they get, the less forgiving people are of their sensory need for nudity (because that’s what it is), and trust me - we do what we can to keep them dressed. We have the conversations about their growing bodies.

The issue is that they don’t know, and teaching them is very difficult and takes a very long time. Like everything else we teach them. Long processes.

Yes but how can we keep other kids safe from the nudity of a grown man?

Who decides what is ok?

Sounds that the OP has made a good progress in having him understand the difference between private and public space (where he mostly keeps the clothes on).
If it is legal and makes him a bit more comfortable in his life, why couldn't he be naked in his home and back garden? Why should someone else's sense of "appropriatness" be more important?

Because it won’t be legal in about 8 years?

It’s perfectly legal to be naked in your own garden at 8 years old. 18 years old. 60years old.

Unless you’re doing it with the deliberate intention to cause distress or are doing sexual things.

Ok, and sadly these boundaries can be blurred for people with autism, as PP highlighted with her son

Unfortunately, some profoundly affected autistic teens and adults will masturbate openly.