I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Is there any time that you get along, a time where he is reasonable? Could maybe take that opportunity to tell him that you need to talk, tell him what it's about, that you'll both get a turn to talk without interruptions and pick a day to do it. If it's at home or out somewhere. Both take turns saying what's annoying them, how they are feeling during these outbursts and what solutions both can come up with, maybe both write down the day before. Tell him you understand he's at a difficult age, the hormones are rampant, tell him you know he is struggling and you want to understand and help and come up with a plan that doesn't involve taking possessions away and turning off internet but if a solution is not reached you will have to go down this route.

@rambleberry Just did a quick google, try contacting these places, maybe one of them can help

https://reducingtherisk.org.uk/child-on-parent-violence/
https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva
https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

There are lots of free options. CAHMS can triage and offer excellent therapy options. If OP speaks to GP they can refer. As can the school. There is help out there.

You might need to start being more confident, and more empathetic than you've ever been. You can't carry on like this, something needs to change you're probably both desperately unhappy. You've both been through trauma and need the respite that came come through love and bonding. Reset, start again. Talk with each other about what's going wrong and how you need to fix it together, but you will need to dig deep and take the lead. I have such empathy for you, it sounds incredibly hard. I agree that restricting the WiFi is essential before you lose him to cruel online voices and opinions.

Honestly OP I feel for you I really do. I feel the same about my DS12 atm, he does have a diagnosis of ASD/ADHD though and hasn’t suffered the trauma your son has. Regardless the constant anger and aggression is downright miserable to live with.

Every morning he looks for an argument, will say and do anything to get one. Every day I’m an awful mum and I should be dead. If I threaten to remove his phone he says he will strangle me.

I genuinely do not like him at all. It’s sad because me and his dad have a very loving relationship and didn’t have any of these traits growing up.

I will say that as well meaning as people tend to be about bonding and building your relationship back that can be incredibly difficult. Believe it or not most people don’t want to spend time with someone who wishes them so much ill.

We already had early help and whilst they were pleasant it didn’t change anything.

if you are on social media check out a group called PEGS they have a wonderful support group @rambleberryyou are not alone.

I think you both need therapy/counselling urgently. Probably together and also separately. It sounds like he has probably got unresolved trauma.

You also need to learn to cope with the shouting and hard times in the short term when he doesn't get his own way. You can't see the materials he is viewing online and know what he is posting and then turn a blind eye. It is failing your son and everyone around him. His phone needs to go immediately.

The name calling is fairly standard behaviour for a teen although obviously unacceptable.

My brother had a phase like this but less extreme. My mum and dad had just split and my dad was MIA for six months after that (drunken stooper). My mum basically bagged and binned all his electronics and told him he could get new ones when he had a job to pay for them. I think the shock that she would actually just bin all his shit shook him up a bit. He also started spending more time with my uncle around this time which he said really helped him - they are still super close now. Is there anyone in his life who can be a good male role model?

So she should leave him on the Internet being groomed by Incels? Just no.

OP you dont have to take the phone just cancel the contract. And you have to stand your ground with him - not aggressively or argumentally but not just giving in.

And yes to the therapy.

You’re going to have to dig deep and stick to the same answer of no when he’s following you around, pure cheeky at his age trying to wear you down. Teens can be the absolute worst but he really needs you to put in a firm boundary and stand over this. Definitely counselling for both of you to get the tools to deal with issues and bereavement. You have been through a lot and got through it, you got this. Would partitioning the larger bedroom in two work for kids and give you your bedroom back, it must be really hard without a dedicated space of your own to retreat to. Wishing you strength.

Call early help

I’m going to disagree with the “turn off his WiFi” posts.

This is about safety, not winning an argument. You cannot have an irate 13 year old losing his mind with you and your son in the house, and no help in place.

I would self refer to Early Help, get in front of the school, and start getting therapies and deescalation strategies in place, ASAP.

Once you have those things in place, absolutely start imposing firm and immovable consequences. But until then, don’t antagonise him - it’s not worth your safety.

This boy is only 13, but will very soon be strong enough to inflict real physical damage. I think it's only a matter of time before the verbal abuse becomes physical.

Screen free household would be my first step. For all of you (although I’d say you get to keep your phone for reference and you can use it when the kids are in bed / you’re in bed because you’re the adult).

It has a “we’re all in it together” element, and kids shouldn’t have access to the internet to do what he’s doing. It’ll be having a disastrous impact on his mental health and world view. Trial it for a month, tell yourself you’re going to get shouted at every evening for a month, but it’s finite so you can do it.

Make it clear you’ll support them doing any non internet based activity they want. Karate, scouts, a dog grooming course - provided there’s budget and the time works, then you’ll support them doing that. They won’t want it at first but when they realise there’s nothing better to do then it might become more interesting.

But you’re going to have to go through a really painful, probably worse than you’ve had yet period before this gets better. And if you don’t, then there’s MUCH worse painful times ahead for you.

OP, at this stage I would be asking social services for early help- you are going to need to set and stick to boundaries and from what you are saying, you need some help and support with that.

Is he completely lost and unreachable OP? Or are there times when you recognise your boy, and can relate to each other positively, chat, have a laugh, do something together? When he is happy and not angry?
Because if so, these are a chink you can work with, by trying to create as many opportunities for these positive interactions as you can to rebuild some relationship.
This won't address his bad behaviour but layering some good experiences over the bad ones should help you feel more positive about each other, which is a start.

I don't have kids but have two brothers and my older one went through an obnoxious phase as well. He was particularly awful to my mum and their relationship was very strained. He suddenly grew up overnight like Harry Enfield's Kevin the teenager did and now he's absolutely the favourite child and can do no wrong.

I really feel for you, OP, and am so sorry you're going through this, especially as you lost your husband too. I don't have any advice but was going to ask, like another poster has done, if there is another man - an uncle perhaps - who could spend time with him. You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether.

It's a shame he's spending so much time looking at awful stuff online. Is there a hobby he can get into that would take him away from his phone for a few hours a week? I'm sure you've tried all of this though.

Sending you a big virtual hug and I hope he snaps out of it as he grows up a bit. Sorry you are having to cope with this.

Edited to add that @BibbityBoppityTwo said she had a friend who said her son's treatment of her was like being in an abusive relationship. I had a friend who said the same thing about her son when he was a teenager too as he was awful to her. Again, he grew out of it and they get on brilliantly now but this was before all that awful manosphere stuff could be accessed online. That definitely needs nipping in the bud.

Honestly if my child was watching and regurgitating that misogynist shit online I would be absolutely frank and tell them if they want to go down that route no woman will ever want to go near them and they will live a crap pathetic life where everyone else is to blame but themselves.
They'd then have absolutely no internet access for the foreseeable future and there's no way 'badgering' me would undo it.

Today he had bern sick twice tgat would make him irritable impatient and out of control.
More generally, the lad fees angry and cheated by the world for losing his dad.and coupled eith puberty the poor kid probably feels totally out of control.I am not sure lots of punishment is going to work because he probably doesnt WANT to be tge person tjat abuses his mum. I think he needs some/more therapy to help him process everything and how to deal with these big feelings in a less destructive way.
As others have said you need to get positive male role models into his life.

My heart goes out to you my darling. Things are so shit for you and I’m so sorry I don’t know you and so can’t hp you by being there. 1, make an appointment at school and take a list of egs of your concerns 2, is he like this at school or does he save it all for you? 3 seek support from family help via health or school. 4, take advice about the Xbox and limiting this and the internet. 5, seek counselling for both of you separately 6 do you have a good friend family member to support you with his behaviour 7, it’s easy for me to say be firm, calm, nonsense but when you’re broken it’s impossible. I wish you all
the luck in the world and please keep us updated xx

Sounds like you are trying your absolute best to make him happy- please don’t feel bad for anything you have said here as 99% of people reading I would expect to feel similar in your position.

Make sure you call the Police if you ever feel threatened.

I think S Services need to somehow intervene because he is going to end up hurting someone or having someone bigger than him teach him a lesson or 2.

It’s not your fault op x

Sending hugs to you OP, it's horrible to feel abused by your own child. I would be careful of taking away phone, wifi etc. Don't put yourself in danger.

I do think you need to reach out to social services, you need some help and support. Speak to school as well, they can also make referrals. Family therapy for all 3 of you might be a good thing.

You need to feel that you have a space to get away from him when he's raging. I'd be getting a big bolt for your bedroom door and retreat there and lock it so he can't follow you around hurling abuse. I knew a mum who had a son with autism & learning disability who could be violent - she would lock herself in her bedroom and once he realised he couldn't get to her, he'd eventually go off to bed.

This isn't just normal 13 year old behaviour - it's extreme and the normal parenting strategies can only get you so far. I do think you need outside help. Have you spoken to your GP?

I was going to say the same. I wonder if he has a lot of misplaced anger because his dad died. It's a really difficult age not to have a dad. I would definitely recommend therapy for him.

Sorry OP. It sounds extremely hard. Have you thought about letting him have sleepovers with friends - where he goes to theirs - or are there any affordable school trips? Just to get him out of your hair for an evening or a few days, to give you a break.

It won't be this way forever. Hugs xxx 💐

How long has he been like this?..sounds like he's got access to andrew tate all all the numptys on the 'manosphere' and its giving him a very poor perception of women.
Saying that there are no excuses for his behaviour and you need to put your foot down and take all his electronics off him..yes it will be hard but what are the other options? I don't work in camhs so i'm unsure of the services available at this level but im sure the school or local authority will be able to advise xx

“I know I let him get away with things” - This, and everything you say after it, is why you have a problem.

You don’t have a bad child, you have poor boundaries. I’m sorry for your loss, it must have been really hard for you both, but you don’t hate your son, you hate the behavioural consequences of an easy life.

You need to run a tighter ship, water tight rules and unwavering consequences, or you’ll soon find things get much worse!

We found the Non Violent Resistance (NVR) approach helpful when our sons (adopted) were that age, I did an online course with Sarah Fisher. This takes you through de-escalation and connection. Also you could look into Therapeutic Parenting (Sarah Naish books). I mean it could be he just needs the WiFi turning off and a couple of weeks grounding OR he could be acting out his pain, loss and a bunch of teenage hormones and unhelpful peer pressure, in which case he needs safety and connection, not just further rejection. Finally there are some great peer support Facebook groups on Therapeutic parenting, they don't judge but really give you a network a bit more focused than MN. Take care x. Hopefully you can access some of the help suggested here too.