I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

OP look I think he definitely needs assessment on the AuDHD front.

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response https://share.google/QTpynzRHZfE8ghSA9

This sounds really difficult. My 13 year old can be like this when she's miserable. Contact Capa (link above). I found them quite helpful.

The word you need to say to school is "safeguarding". Ring and say you have a safeguarding concern and need to speak to the DSL. Tell them what you've written here.

I’m really curious to know how those suggesting things like Cadets etc would propose getting a teenage male there who doesn’t want to be there.

It may not be.

I am a very assertive and determined person and an experienced teacher too.

My child does the following around and getting in your face thing. She was regularly physically violent too.

It's very difficult to hold your boundaries with someone like that. Especially once they get to 13. They may storm out and if you've also confiscated the phone and they've got no friends, things could get serious very quickly.

I’d more likely think that the young teen who lost his father as a child is more likely traumatised and has ongoing unmet needs and attachment issues than the OP is not meting out enough ‘consequences’.

Forgive yourself OP. That is the start. You feel what you feel. I am sure you don’t tell him all your thoughts. You sound like a loving and compassionate parent.

I would go to the school for help, or at least see what they can do. What is he like at school ? Is this him overall or just for you?

Do you have any other children? I would turn off the WiFi but I would really read around the subject first and look for back up at home to support you. The meltdown will be brutal and you need help to push through it. I would even consider having friends and family in the house during the WiFi off period to back you and support. It’s amazing how another person present can change the dynamic. He is abusing you and it’s funny how the abuse changed when there is an awareness of being observed.

I always wonder that too!

The only thing that ever works really is connection. But it sounds like the OP has already tried hard on that front.

I think this child is miserable and/or has unmet needs. Year 6 to year 7 transition going wrong is a very common occurrence for children with trauma or special needs.

I know when my DD is miserable or angry there is almost nothing I can do at that stage. It has to be before that stage.

That's a good suggestion.

I was wondering about OP reaching out to the football chaperone?

Resent it all you like but they do need male role models. Many young lads end up in gangs or jail. The vast majority have no positive male in their lives.
My Husband grew without a father and he will tell you himself he was a little bugger because he knew he could be. Thankfully his Head teacher in primary school took my husband and his partner in crime ( also no dad) under his wing and guided them. Both still had their moments but turned out well.
Once most lads hit their teens the really do need someone that is bigger and tougher than them.

13 is pretty young. Probably due a growth spurt, which will make him bigger and stronger.

You must get help OP.

Any family? Friends?

Firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this on your own. It's really REALLY hard. From what you've written though, you're a good mum. You're trying everything you can and thinking what else you could do, including reaching out here for advice. Those are the actions of a loving mum who wants the best for her son. I too felt my son at age 13-16 was a little shit because of similar defiant behaviour, but I had the support of a husband / dad to tackle it.

Secondly some things that helped me:

• Posting on the Teenagers board. The advice given there was practical, balanced and based on lived experience with difficult teenagers. People telling you to "just do this" or "you must do that" is not so helpful. It's really not that easy to make a 13 year old boy do anything.

• Protect yourself and your things. As others have said, don't put yourself in physical danger simply to enforce a point. Hide your purse, hide anything precious to you that could be destroyed or stolen. Should you have to do that? No. But does it reduce the risk and impact on you? Yes

• Change your idea of consistency - I'm afraid the simpler methods of rewards and consequences are less effective on teenagers, which is why (IMHO), answers like"make him earn back the phone"etc are impractical. Instead be consistent in stating the rules even if they get broken as probably they will. E.g "I expect you back at 8pm", he rocks up at 10pm, instead of punishing that, restate the rule "8pm is the time to be back"

• State your position - You can't control his behaviour , but you can tell him the impact it's having on you. The classic "when you do X, I feel Y"

• Internet access - I took the router to work in my handbag at times. I appreciate it's very different now with smartphones and not so easy to take that away completely.

• Share - as well as trying for professional support, is there anyone else you can share the burden with, to talk through what's going on, and to vent to? You need some care and attention yourself. I found surprisingly that many colleagues at work had or were experiencing similar behaviour and I felt a lot less alone or unusual.

• Time - this was the most effective solution in my case. My son (and many others before and after him) grew up into a fantastic young man. In the same way your son probably went from a lively young lad to a sweary little sod, change can happen again.

I really wish you well. Hold on sister. It's really hard going now, but it will change.

My ex H did well at school, had friends, made friends at uni. Had friends when I met him. He still has autism. The psychologists assessing him said he has 'significant gaps' and that he is definitely autistic. He was not one of their edge cases. I obviously dated, married, and started a family with him without realising he was autistic. Its a complicated condition. I wouldn't dismiss it as a potential explanation of his behaviour if I were you.

I don’t know if people here realise the parlous state of help for complex families like the OP’s. There just basically is none. You can speak to professionals all you like but you’ll be on waiting lists for years for proper help. Also, changing the WiFi password leaves the OP open to more physical attacks. A teenage boy who is physically and emotionally abusing his mother is not going to be corrected by a change in WiFi password. Also, not any of this if the OP’s fault, regardless of whether she has WiFi or not.

@rambleberry
It sounds so difficult and I feel for you all in the family.

Here are some thoughts on your situation and I hope they are helpful...

1. Hold the line... whilst I totally understand your wanting peace, the moment you back down, you set the "bar" for what he needs to do to get what he wants. Any consequence needs to follow through. Never say you will do something you wont follow through on. He will learn if he pushes hard enough you will cave. Its reinforcement theory.

1. Don't argue back in the moment... if it leads to a prolonged fight, its not worth it. That said, you must correct him later. He cant get the message he can do this without consequence. Put the consequence in as soon as possible though.

1. Lean in if you can... disarming hypercritical people with this can be very effective. But you must be able to disconnect from the pain to do it. Leaning in is where one agrees that what the person is claiming could be true. Not that it IS true, but that it COULD be. Like this...

Him..."Mum, you're the shittest parent. Nobody respects you."
You... "I hear that. It could be true that some people may not respect me and I have faults."
Him... "Yeah you are useless and pathetic."
You... "Its certainly difficult to be useful all the time."

It seems counter intuitive but you take away any heat because you don't disagree. You MUST, however, avoid personalising it. Just because he says it doesnt mean its true. If you tend to be self critical and blaming this isnt a good strategy but it can work beautifully.

1. Highlight the impact... this involves pointing out the impact he could have on others. But not you. "I am wondering how that would land if (X person he respects) said that to you?" It may help him understand another viewpoint.

1. Heap praise ... the moment he does anything remotely positive praise or reward him. Small things. Show you appreciate his good behaviour. It is far more effective than punishment.

1. Figure out the function... his behaviour gets him something. It could be avoiding pain and sadness (distracting), makes him feel in control etc. The behaviour will be emotion or need driven, and he won't have skills to identify and regulate emotions.

I was a furious, angry, bitter and twisted teenager! All I needed was someone to ask whats driving the behaviour and offer a hand to get out of the mess. I am now the least angry person. But I learnt the hard way. He will grow out of it hopefully, but may take some time.

I never said it’s OP’s fault? I said she needs to change the WiFi password and not tell her son. I think she should also get rid of her son’s phone. He’s being groomed online. He can be on a social media detox until he gets help. Just because there’s waiting lists doesn’t mean she shouldn’t do anything!!

A sure-fire way to get the DS involved in drug-running and county lines.

Do you have anything near you like army or RAF cadets? I wonder if having some positive male role models on his life could help break the cycle. Or a social sport like indoor rock climbing where he could meet some nice people and build a skill to lift his self esteem.

Speak to the school about putting in place a family support worker for you both. This would be really beneficial for you both.

Because people like a quick fix

All this heaping praise and love bombing....NO

Get a therapist ASAP for yourself.

I posted details of expert charities with helplines who help parents with difficult teenagers, including those who are violent. Talk to the experts. Some of these suggestions are just naive.

Or that..

I am unsure if her therapist could sort the child issue though. I mean give it a try!

Oh op. It sounds really hard but pls don’t give up on your relationship. Hang in there.
puberty is tough on emerging adult and parent
Losing a partner and a dad too
This is the worst of it - you are in the trenches
it will get better.
School sucks for lots of people
life can be better on the other side.
let him know that.

If you can find a positive male role model or access to some counselling then I would seriously consider trying to get that for him.

If they want access to gaming consoles, phones they will. Internet access….. all dependent on going to Cadets. Although I understand it’s hard as it sounds like domestic abuse at hands of her son. It’s surprisingly common and extremely hard.

Though I’d look at The One Phone OP, can’t bi-pass the parental controls. Make sure you’re getting support for you.

Yes, it' not that women can't be tough, but a lot of boys at this age unfortunately respect physical strength primarily, which most women obviously don't have to the extent teen boys do.