I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

I would speak to the school to let them know how bad things are and also the early help department of social services. You might also want to speak to your gp about whether there's any support for yourself you can access.

It sounds as though there is little or no bond between you. I know it's tempting to want to start focusing on correcting behaviour, but it will probably be more effective to start by thinking about how you can begin to enjoy time together, even in small ways.

He needs to see a specialist childhood trauma and bereavement counsellor.

He's going off the rails, that is obvious. It needs to be tackled by a professional.

As for the shit he's watching online, I'm not sure what to advise on that, but I'd be letting the counsellor know about it.

You have taught him that badgering you works. That’s why he does it. That needs to stop. It is easier said than done, but giving in hasn’t made things easier for you either.

You haven’t said how old your other son is, but you are teaching them how to treat adults they perceive as weak. You need to seek the help and support suggested here to turn this around.

Speak to the safeguarding lead at his school.

remove the phone and replace with non internet access and turn off WiFi at home.

He’s experienced trauma which makes him more vulnerable to radicalisation and his online presence is concerning.

And you don’t hate him. You wouldn’t be here pouring your heart out and asking for help if you did. Hate his behaviour but the fact you’re here makes you a good mum who will help him get through this. Don’t underestimate how much you’ve also been grieving.

OP do you have a dad or brothers who could be involved in a disciplinarian role? I honestly thing a lot of boys at that age need older, stronger male role models to keep them in check.

Just thinking.. is there some type of 'holiday' you can book.. where he gets to spend time with a group of kids, like a camp, and either you go and it's something where you bond while doing activities, or it's just a camp for kids and no adults so you both get a break. Maybe he will appreciate you more when he returns.

There are wifi network things you can use called a mesh network. Google home does one and there are many other brands. You can create a separate wifi network for him vs everything else and can set restrictions on websites/types of things being accessed and the times he is doing it in. You can turn it on/off at the push of a button. If he has a wifi enabled phone though then he will be able to tether to that so this may be a moot point. Just sharing in case it is at all helpful.

Not at all. It's about the person, not the gender.

To advise OP about therapy/counselling etc is all very well, but access is difficult, certainly in terms of family therapy, does OP have the money to pay for this

Is he likely to want to engage with counselling, does he sound like he would?

When you say you have asked for help OP, what have you asked for, who from and what was the response? Often I find parents who say they've been offered no help or support, what they mean is, they didnt like or want the resources offered so didnt engage, but that may not be the case herre.

I was told to do a simlar thing when my child had been violent to me. No one seemed to understand the risk. It seems to be defort answer taketheir stuff away.

When i done a parenting type class for parents managing violent children they tell you not to take their things away not to get into shouting matches. Because doing them things escalate the problem possibly putting the parent or others at risk. Its all about de-escalating.

Going against the grain here, but instead of imposing all these harsh punishments for swearing at you, could you actually go the other way and let some of it go? Do you have to battle him every time to do chores or not say hurtful things? Can you not just ignore some of it and see it as him lashing out about his dad's death mixed with puberty? Instead of treating him like a problem child, maybe go for a drive with him and talk to him about how your relationship could be improved without telling him all the things he does wrong?

Hi OP,

Under new and updated guidance from DofE in Keeping Children Safe in Education 2026, misogyny has been elevated to critical which means your sons school should be well informed about this. As well as online radicalisation. They will/should have a framework and funding to help tackle this with you. Have you spoken with any safeguarding lead at school?

I'd also recommend ringing Women's Aid for yourself to get support and information on how to keep yourself and your other son safe at home.

🫂

You need a total reset.
a) Move him away from his current friends, as I’m sure there’s a lot of influence there. b) Stop social media/ unrestricted internet/ not age appropriate gaming and video content. c) spend time with him and do things he loves - urgently find a way to reconnect and repair the bond.

Unfortunately, as hard as it is, when you give in sometimes you teach a child that you are inconsistent and so they'll always try and get the reaction that they want out of you. Contact his head of year at school and ask for an Early Help referral - they have access to some great resources. It might be worth asking for a parenting course, because it could give you some tools to manage this situation more calmly. You're not the only one in this situation. But this is a young boy who's lost his dad and now his mum hates him - he will also be lashing out because he feels unloved. Can you do anything to bone with him positively, to help him feel loved? I know it might feel counterintuitive right now but he's not going to stop lashing out if he doesn't feel secure with you

No further advice than what people have already given you, just sympathy and support. It sounds really tough.

There are loads of places offering free therapy, you just need to ring around. For a bereaved family, 100%.

Have you met any 13 year old highly defiant teens? They don't argue for one night and then just give up and sit in without wifi! One of mine went missing, refused to cooperate with any authorities ever, school, hospital, and would simply refuse to do basic things. You can't move their arms and legs and if they don't respond to punishment, reason or reward and are prepared to go out day and night, then you have to find a way through cooperation and getting them onside, which did eventually work. Amplifying the whole thing into a who is the baddest isn't going to work once they are bigger, are prepared to face bad consequences and may even do things you haven't thought of yet. I know at least one child with a second secret phone from their parents after their parents clamped down.

I hope you get help and support, OP, some of the 'just be tougher' have no idea what it is to come up against an aggressive teen who isn't just going to back down because you hid the router.

Hi OP, I agree with everyone else, ask for some support, don’t rush to restrict phone use and internet use yet, this will escalate the situation and could push him towards his friends even more, he did listen to you when you said he couldn’t go out which is positive.

You are both in a cycle of anger, disputes, self loathing, some therapy will help you both break this cycle, see positives, talk about how you both feel, help repair when things go wrong and feel loved because whatever he says, he does love you but that also makes him feel vulnerable so he is going to push that down.

Go easy on yourself, you are doing ok in a really difficult situation, it won’t be like this forever.

Oh OP, teenagers can be shits. They have huge emotions and know instinctively how to push your buttons.

But just like PP’s have said, you need to not take it personally and stand your ground. My teens scream and shout at their dad (my DH) until they get their own way because they know he’ll eventually cave, every single time. They have learned the hard way that I’m a stubborn mule and when I say to them to hand over their phone now or they’ll lose it for a month, I mean it, because I have carried through with my threat before.

Your son loves you, he is just pushing boundaries because of his age. They need boundaries and actually thrive within them so stick to your guns in the knowledge you are doing what is best for him and your family. It does get better.

It sounds far more likely that this boy will physically assault his mother.

They won't take him away unless there were concerns he was at risk of immediate significant harm, which isn't this situation.

It wouldn't hurt to try if OP has someone. I don't think this is the time to be cutting off lifelines.

She needs support right now.

If he’s involved in that awful manosphere stuff, they encourage boys to not respect their mothers. They think women should have no authority over men, including mothers over sons. You are right to be worried. I would talk to the school about this specifically, as schools are starting to get educated about how to address this. Unfortunately there’s very little out there for parents.

My friend is going through almost the exact same thing with her son of a similar age. She says it’s like being in an abusive relationship, which is exactly what it is! It’s just a horrible thing to deal with day in, day out.

He really needs help, that child probably has PTSD.

He probably doesn't hate you, he just needs to vent and school is a horrific place for a child in that situation

Get to your doctors and tell the full truth before you go in with your son.

He has no male role models really. His brother is 13 too, (they have a 10 month age gap, they arent twins) and he was 8 when their dad died so he went through that too, he was only little himself but he isnt too bad, he can be moody and argumentative and a pain at times but generally he’s fine. They are horrible to each other though because they are complete opposites.

Eldest is much more sociable and confident, has friends and is happy going out and doing things. Youngest is more academic I would say, so they both have their own strengths.

As soon as youngest started year 7 he started saying he had no friends and eldest would back him up and say whenever he saw him at school he was on his own. He would do things like stand in the middle of eldest’s football game with his friends, which obviously got a reaction from them. He was also really focused on his appearance and would keep looking at his reflection in windows when he was outside. Other children started calling him weird and gay. I dont think he is, it was just an insult other 11/12 year olds were throwing around, but obviously it didnt help things.

Whenever I spoke to school about it his tutor would say they had no concerns and that when they spoke to him he said he was fine and wasnt unhappy. So I was being told one thing at home and another thing by school. Meanwhile his behaviour just got worse and worse throughout year 7.

The summer holidays were hell with both boys home all the time and now we’re here. I feel like its been building up for ages and I dont know how to get through to him anymore.

He doesnt really like sports either. He likes football but mainly watching it rather than playing, so its not like I can just get him involved in a team and hope that helps. I honestly dont know what the answer is.