I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

I know someone whose son got into male prostitution to get round the barriers his parents put on him. His clients were showering him with money and gifts. I know this seems extreme - equally I can't understand how unable many mumsnetters are to see how taking away the WiFi is immaterial for some young people.

I might be missing something here but a lot of the dads I know do very little parenting and certainly aren't putting their foot down with immense masculine skill with their teens. The ones I know are quite detached, had affairs and left the family, spend a lot of time on their 'hobbies', find it hard to talk to their teens both male and female, and generally aren't that amazing at parenting. I only know one dad who is quite physically present with his boys, which has helped as one has ADHD and is quite difficult, and as a team between him and the mum this works well. I know a couple who are emotionally pretty good, but they wouldn't be squaring up to an out-of-control 13-year-old taller than them.

I think the main benefit of two parents is that they get support and can act as a team with each other, and there are two sets of income. Being a single parent invariably means you have one income or benefits, you are alone making all decisions so you get exhausted, and also are outnumbered if you have two children and it's always easier when this is not the case.

I'm not saying a good male presence couldn't help, I'm saying I don't see the kind of male parenting many describe in many households, and the idea that uncles are popping in to have a quiet word with wayward 13 year olds and they just go off to cadets and stop being defiant at school, home and everywhere is tending towards the realms of fantasy.

Nowhere does it say that this lad is physically abusing his mother. Nor is this the inevitable consequence of her putting some boundaries in place, although it is also quite clear that this is about more than lack of boundaries.

Please get parenting courses, and counselling for you

The boy is physically barging past his mother. Read the OP.

Agreed.

Yes, all the parents of the totally compliant teens who dare to put a single foot out of line. Occasionally. It’s such BS to tell people to remove the WiFi/devices. There are much bigger fish to fry for this family. There has been a significant bereavement and resulting attachment and trauma and loss. But, hey, let’s punish the traumatised boy by removing the WiFi box. That’ll fix him.

He might benefit from some bereavement counselling? Even if he had some at the time his dad died, he sounds like he could do with more help now.

I totally agree @ThePieceHall and I'm a parent of a (touch wood) very compliant teen, but I don't know how many of these parents who want the OP to impose draconian punishments on her son, actually have good relationships with their kids going forward or are they the parents who later in life don't understand why their kids have gone NC? 🤷‍♀️

Treating teenagers as the enemy and constantly battling them and imposing harsh punishments by taking away things that are important to them cannot lead to a better parent/teen relationship.

This is more common than people realise so just know that you’re not alone. He sounds very angry at the world. Does he have any hobbies / outlet ? Anywhere he could pick up a good male role model. In the meantime keep yourself safe, call police if you have to.

OP can you please tell us who else you could lean on for support male or female - Do you have any family / siblings? Friends, neighbours etc? Accepting that the services we wish we had worked aren't working then you need to reflect on who you could bring in as a positive influence for your son.

@rambleberry Have read your updates and he sounds like a fairly typical teenager to me. They can have a lot of angst/anger and say the shittiest things. As others have said, it usually gets better after a couple of years. If I hadn’t had a laugh at what mine said to me, I’d have sobbed.

A couple of my friends had to keep it together so much after bereavement, by the time they got to the teenage years, they’d totally run out of steam. What support do you have from friends and family? Do you work full-time? Are you able to take holidays?