I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Remove the phone and the Xbox. Give them to grandparents or someone else to look after so they're not in the house.

Be very, very clear that their (slowly phased) return is dependent on sustained, demonstrable changes in behaviour.

Immediately stop giving him pocket money, if you're doing so.

Arrange counselling for him. The school should be able to assist or point you in the right direction.

He doesn’t sound like someone who would stop arguing about this after a day

This is very much where we’re at

if you OP hurt him in some way (as trying to discipline) you’ll be in a lot of trouble

not helpful I know. But a heads up

Turn the Wi-Fi off! He is I'll he should be in bed sleeping and getting better

I agree - turn the wifi off. If you can't face the argument tell him it's engineering work so BT / Virgin whoever have had to switch it off for a few days.

I actually think self referring to social services would be a great idea. People give social workers such a bad rep but they're there to help! Candidly even if you did ask them to take him away they literally wouldn't because it doesn't work like that. Foster placements are for genuine emergencies where people are in immediate danger, not just parents and kids who are arguing and annoying each other.

I say this all with absolute sincerity as I self referred to social services as I was worried I would end up losing it and harming my autistic child. Spoiler alert - they didn't take my kid away. What they did do is help me with respite care, access to therapy and a budget for activities. And the social worker comes and checks on us and lets me cry and gives helpful, non judgmental advice because she's seen it all before.

You both need therapy, separately and together. Speak with his school, they may be able to help.

Then you persist for two days, or a week, or however long it takes. Ensuring they know that continued poor behaviour will only extend the time the tech is away.

Has he had any therapy since his dad died? That would be a good place to start if not. Does he have any male role models in his life like an uncle or grandad or even family friend? Get them to spend time with him one on one. For immediate behavior you have to be strong and stick to what you say, so you take his Xbox away and don’t give it back for a set amount of time, or change the WiFi password and don’t give it back for a set time.

Dont be so j insensitive. Shes struggling.

this sounds awful
Turn off your WiFi
phone social services and self refer and let them know and speak to his school too - work with them and accept any help.
I hope things improve soon

I wonder if what he really needs is a bloody good shock?

I don't mean a slap in the face, obviously. But have you ever really, truly read him the riot act? Told him to sit down and shut up? The content he is accessing and the comments he is making - do any of them warrant a hard and stern talking to from a copper?

Get him a basic phone. And turn the WiFi off at home. Take his Xbox away. I know it’s not easy as my daughter is 13 and we have had to take away all internet access and her phone as she could get past the parental controls.

13 is quite young to have so much access to Internet and xbox and phone. Take them.away. Deal with inevitable anger for a few days. He needs to know you mean business.

This is one of your last chances to act. In a couple of years, you will lose him completely.

And you are taking it WAY to personally. You need to disengage a bit.

I definitely thought and said some horrible things to/about my parents at that age. I didn't mean it. It's a hard, hard age.

Everyone telling OP to take his phone and turn off the WiFi - do you feel confident she will be safe if she does so? Because from what she has said, I don't.

OP, please don't do anything that puts your physical safety at risk. Is he violent towards you (if you feel comfortable telling us this)? Or are you scared he might be?

Some 13 year olds are not far off an adult male in size. So before we cheerfully instruct OP to enrage an angry, irrational male, shall we just slow down and consider this for a minute?

This was in the back of my mind too.

He’s been through something truly awful that he’ll never get over but he cannot be allowed to behave like this. Somehow, you’ve got to get in front of this and get some control back. Has he got uncles or grandparents who can speak to him? Someone to tell him that the way he’s treating you is unaccceptable?

He needs a man or men in his life, ones he can look up to and emulate. Men who can teach him how to be a good & decent man. I fear they may be thin on the ground though. Sports are very useful for this - could you get him involved in one? I'd suggest the scouts or similar but no doubt it's not cool enough. But you do need help with this, OP, you can't do this alone. As to his incipient misogyny - this is obviously learnt behaviour, he's probably been watching online porn and you need to stop that in as much as it's in your power to do so.

OP, I think you need advice from professionals. I am concerned that some of the advice on here might potentially put you at risk.

It would be good to set boundaries, remove his phone etc IF IT IS SAFE TO DO SO! But remember, it's easy for people to point out the solution from a distance. They are not the ones living with a furious, abusive and potentially radicalised young man......

Yeah I did think this. I wondered if she has a larger relative who could come round while she reads him the riot act and they can take the Xbox and phone away with them.

Speak to the school SENCO and ask to be signposted to support services like their pastoral team, Early Help etc. The school may run the ELSA programme so ask about that.

Get counselling for DS.

Remove smart phone and replace with a basic Nokia, and along with the Xbox ask someone else to store them so they aren’t in your house. Same goes for any iPads and laptops - if you can’t do without these for school/work then ensure they are locked down with parental controls (if you have a computer savvy friend/colleague perhaps ask if they would check the controls are set up correctly). Ensure these items are not used in bedrooms - lounge etc only.

For your other DC I would also recommend that they only had a basic phone too, partly to stop DS taking or using their phone but to try and prevent the same issues happening with this child.

It’s going to be very hard but get support in place - remember the squeaky cog gets the oil (usually) - so don’t take no for answer when seeking support.

I think you need to shout louder. Call the school. reference safeguarding. Call social services. Call CAMHS. Call your GP. Call the Samaritans (they can advise charities who can help). There are people out there that can and will help. Not all professionals you encounter will be any good which is why you must be persistent.

When I hit crisis with my son I called in sick to work, got out google, and called every single public body I could think of to try and get help. Most were useless. But some provided help which absolutely changed the course of our lives.

Yes. You need support. Be honest about how much you are struggling..

Hi OP. I went through similar with my DS at that age. He’s in his 20s now and a fantastic human being. Contact Early Help. I’m not saying they were great for us but they were ok.

Posters saying take his phone, punish, punish, punish, don’t understand that that doesn’t work for some DCs. It makes their behaviour worse and as you said, you can’t be squaring up to a 13 year old male every night.

What I did with my son that worked was walking. We started off with a walk to the garage every night to buy chocolate. The chocolate being the carrot on the stick so to speak. No talking. We both listened to music with earphones. But gradually the walks got longer and the earphones came off and we chatted. We started timing ourselves and seeing how many steps we could do, made it into a challenge. The exercise is good for them. If your DS will consider a sport, I would recommend, mine wouldn’t.

When we talk about those times now, my DS says he was depressed and he didn’t mean to be an arse but he just couldn’t get himself out of it.

Good luck.

Can you bond with him over anything? Is there something you both enjoy?

What is his school like? If the safeguarding team are competent, they might be a really good place to start. And I think you should tell them EVERYTHING.

I know it's natural to be scared of the consequences of social service involvement. But actually (and I don't mean this to be flippant) - what's the worst that can happen? They place him in care? It's highly unlikely - and it's something you have been considering anyway. I don't think you need to worry about that outcome. I think you need to be totally honest and open and reach out for every bit of support you can get.

And maybe see your GP? The toll of this on your mental health just be dreadful.

And finally, remember that you have every right to call the police if you are frightened. I am not one to recommend this lightly - but you can't remain a victim of his abuse until he destroys you. I am not blaming him - no doubt he has been through Hell, and he may well be quite unwell himself.

But this situation can't continue. And I am worried about it heading in very dark directions potentially if something radical does not change. And I don't see how OP can do that on her own - she isn't superwoman.

Thank you for actually thinking about this because this is part of the problem. I have taken his phone off him in the past but he just doesnt leave me alone. He will follow me around, shout in my face, keep going on and on and on until I end up giving in just to get some peace. I know people will say I should stand my ground but its easier said than done when you’re dealing with it in your own home and you just want it to stop.

He also knows when something is annoying you and will deliberately do it more because he finds it funny seeing someone get upset. Its like he enjoys getting a reaction and the more upset you get the more he carries on. I dont know how to deal with that anymore.

I have restricted the internet but he’s found ways around it so that hasnt really worked either. People seem to think there is an easy solution to all of this but I’ve tried things and they turn into another massive argument.

I did give up my room for him as he was sharing with his brother and they were arguing constantly. I thought giving them their own space might help but apparently thats not good enough either because his brothers room, which was the original room, is bigger. What does he actually want me to do? I cant make their rooms equal sized and I’ve already given up my own room for him. Nothing ever seems to be enough.

I’m not saying I’m definitely in danger of him physically hurting me, but I do worry about how far things will go when he gets himself worked up. I’m exhausted from constantly trying to keep the peace in my own home and I honestly dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

Well it will be more than one evening of rows but it's the right thing to do for his sake.