I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

This. OP - Please be careful and get professional help here. And I’m so sorry you’re through this.

I was thinking exactly the same as you. I am glad someone has voiced this concern.

Family therapy?

And it’s not his phone, you pay the bill. It’s your phone, he uses it with your permission or not at all.

hug to you op.
Remove his phone; and his Xbox. Do not give in to him bullying you.
He can have the Xbox back when he treats you properly; and consistently. I’d consider binning his phone.

So sorry to hear about his dad passing. Do you have other family you can lean on? Any other strong male role models? Could you try and find some hobbies / clubs for him that would keep him occupied and give some focus.

It’s a very difficult age and he is absolutely pushing the limits and beyond. Stand firm, don’t let him bully you. I also thought you sounded depressed- have you considered that or could you speak to your GP?
love to you xox

Do you think that if you turned the WiFi off, took the mobile or Xbox away he could turn violent?

A lot of people are saying limit what he can view online. Would somebody please e plain to op what she needs to do exactly. I know it can be done but no idea how to do it.

This sounds incredibly difficult @rambleberry .
Have you spoken to the school's safeguarding lead?

I attended a PREVENT training session recently and they are incredibly aware of and concerned for/about young men like your son, who are lost down the red pill rabbit hole. It may be worth speaking to PREVENT too.

What You Need to Know

• Not a criminal record: Making a Prevent referral is a safeguarding step to get help, not a punishment, and it does not create a criminal record.
• How it works: The local police force reviews the referral first to check for immediate security risks. If appropriate, a multi-agency panel called Channel can offer voluntary support, mentoring, counseling, or guidance.
• Immediate danger: If you believe there is an immediate risk of harm or terrorism, dial 999 immediately.

*How to Make a Referral
Not a criminal record: Making a Prevent referral is a safeguarding step to get help, not a punishment, and it does not create a criminal record.

• Act Early Support Line: Call 0800 011 3764 in confidence for advice and support from police Prevent officers.*

You need to put strict boundaries in place about phone usage and stick to it so he knows you mean it. Do your sons have any positive male role models in their lives? If not can you get them inviting sport? A boxing club might be a good start or a martial arts club, somewhere disciplined.

I’m no expert but it could be that he’s crying out for discipline.

He pushes back but that could because he is testing you. He wants (needs) you to be strong and to enforce rules and punishments. He gets angry by what he perceives as your weakness. He needs you to be in control because boundaries make kids feel safe.

Strong boundaries and tough love are hard to enforce when you’re on your own. I agree with others that you may need professional help to turn this around.

Good luck OP. X

I was coming to say this. Prevent may be the way forward or 101 to ask for support from the police as well.

it sounds really hard OP and as much as turning the WiFi off sounds easy I know full well that it’s not.

has he ever had counselling for his dads passing?

how’s his brother doing?

sending hugs 🤗

I'd say you'd all benefit from counselling; or, call the police when he verbally attacks you. Maybe a scare will help him realise he must not treat you so appallingly. I'd be worried for your safety at this stage.

When it's been an issue for us I've just turned off the wifi to the house entirely as parental locks are too hard to implement and confiscating devices a nightmare. Means I have to live without Netflix myself but that's what books are for.

This is years of not following through on what you’ve said.
it will get harder before it gets better and will only get better if you start parenting by taking away things he shouldn’t have access to and giving real consequences.
i think you hate the situation and relationships but it isn’t beyond repair.
I will see if the language you use in the post is used to wards him - where is the respect? Both ways.
you can turn this around / first step is to ask for help but you need to make the changes you know you need to do
how is the other child?

Think of it as ripping off the plaster, bloody painful when first do it then it gets better - so turn off the internet and take his phone or swap for a brick phone. Be consistent, don't rise to the bait, the screaming, shouting, let him get bored of himself. Try and stick to what your doing and just tell him why. Over and over if have to, until he gets it?

I presume the nasty behaviour started with the content he started watching online? How was he before that? Any grandparents around, does he behave with them?

I know you're knackered and tired of it all (fair play, I think everyone would) - but without anyone trying to help you guys, it's all down to you, am so sorry. Then time to try and get some therapy for your kid, hopefully you can go private as NHS waiting list huge. He needs help now - and so do you! Talk to the Gp? There's also some family/parenting helplines I think. Am so sorry OP, I just hope your other son doesn't learn the same behaviour.

Hi OP I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I’m wondering whether it would be worth ringing children’s services and asking for Early Help to support you , in addition to the previous advice to contact Prevent.

OP, I just want to send you lots of love. My DH died when my two were 5 and 7 and I get how exhausted and despairing you are. My eldest is now 17 and there is finally light at the end of the tunnel. At our worst, every single service washed their hands of us so I do understand how difficult it is to get support.

So I’m not going to give you any advice. Just solidarity - and please know things can get better.

Is there anyone in the family he has even a small bit of respect for who could take him in hand? I had a lot of difficulties with my ds at 15. His dad was unwell so l was handling it on my own. Somehow he had a bit of fear and respect for my mother..his Gran who was always strict with us growing up and wasn't phased by much. She spoke to him. I sent him there for weekends so l knew where he was and to give me a break. She took absolutely no shit from him but was kind and made him his favourite food etc.
Somehow it broke the pattern and there was always the threat of going back there if he didn't cop on. He is a fabulous adult now , with a great job and very respectful to me and when his Granny passed he was genuinely very upset.
A long way of saying is there a grandparent/ uncle etc who could take him in hand..anyone maybe from his father's family that might bond with him.

Call early help and ask for an assessment. Say you need support because you are struggling to cope.

How is he at school? Any issues there?

You need to get back some control and parental presence at home but I think you’ll struggle to do that without some help.
Ask about an intervention like NVR.
Rhere neees to be controls over screen time and what he’s accessing but you need to get some fundamentals in place.
He needs some education and intervention around his attitudes to women and girls. Ask school about this, how are they challenging this manosphere bollocks because he won’t be the only boy like this.

Your son is being a dick but 13 year old boys can be without the trauma of losing their dad at such a young age. He’s acting out, lashing out at you and it needs to stop but there does need to be some examination of what’s going on for him.

Discipline and authority without the nurture and therapeutic approach is not going to fix this.

And please don’t give up on him. He might be pushing and testing you. He might be pushing you away before you leave/die/give up on him. He needs you.

Firstly, you are only human and this is a lot. Takes breath and let go of that guilt. You are clearly in need of support. Have you been to early help? If not then this should be your priority. You can make a referral yourself or ask the school to. They are there to help and can get a plan in place and a family support worker to talk you through strategies. They are not there to judge, they are there to help. Have you got any family members who can help? I agree with others that the screen time is absolutely an issue and it sounds like he is being radicalised and so should be treated as such. Let the school know this too- they could put in a MARF for a safeguarding concern which would go to social services. Have you also tried CAHMs? It sounds like he has had a lot of trauma and this will need addressing too. I wish you all the luck in the world.

You are exhausted OP. That's totally understandable.

You are also here because you DON'T hate him: you are wanting help.

And he doesn't hate you: he is wanting help too - he just doesn't see it that way.

You are both dealing with a very hard situation.

Posters here will be able to direct you to places to get support. In the interim, I'd turn off the wifi. Blame a technical fault if you have to but the first step is to stop his access to all that rubbish he is absorbing.

There will be a way through, and again I'll say, neither of you hate each other xx

Sounds like you would both benefit from him having a different caregiver. I don't think you're a bad person for recognising that you might not be the right parent for him. You need support. Speak to social services and ask for help. They can signpost you to services and offer advice.

Personally, I'd be looking in to psychological support.

Finally.. I know you don't want to hear this but.. you might need to find it within you to suck it up and be the strong, decisive parent he needs. Stop giving in. And if you can't do that, then, and I hate to say this, but you might need to just ignore him completely. Don't speak to him at all. Not one word. Not while he is being foul towards you.

Are you in contact with the school? What do they say about his behaviour there ?
X

Cancel his phone plan

Restrict his wi-fi access with a new password; change it regularly. Homework only; you will log him in.

Lock down your own phone

Strip his room down to nothing. He can earn his shit back over time. Homework, chores, behaving in school, strict curfew, not being verbally abusive or vile in the house, etc

You are running out of time to sort him out, frankly.

Do school see the same behaviour OP? Agree with PP who said ask to meet someone in school and ask for an early help referral, maybe a youth worker might help? Have you accessed any support and it hasn't worked or nothing has been offered?