I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Counselling/therapy- Would he even be open to it?

Yes because she needs to establish a positive relationship as it’s so broken now. But I also say, if you read it properly, that you still enforce the boundaries too.

Make a referral for an assessment - link here: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/supporting-families-early-help-system-guide

Make it very clear when you speak to the authority that there is physical and verbal abuse, it’s outside your control and you cannot cope any longer. You need intervention.

OP also maybe consider that the loss of his father and the grief process may have led people to attribute all his behaviours to that when it could be something else that’s been there all along.

Some of the events you have described here read like he has issues socially and with empathy. He is certainly behaving like somebody who is unable to fully process how their actions affect others - all children develop this over time but some much slower than others due to myriad reasons.

The incel stuff is troubling but it also bears weight to my inkling that there is something going on here. Young men with ASD/ADHD are very vulnerable to this sort of ideology - it appeals to their feeling that the world doesn’t understand them, and also offers quick sound bite ‘fixes’ that they can latch on to.

I’m not diagnosing your child with anything but I do think the school’s SENCO could be a help to you (if they’re good at their job!). Also go armed with information to the GP. Read about conditions that might cause some of the issues you are seeing here. Send some bullet points over. They will be less likely to fob you off if you go armed!

Newborns and toddlers are a walk in the park compared to teens.

OP, sending you so much love. No parenting books ever show this type of struggle and it's so easy to imagine you're the only one going through this.

I don't have much practical advice as I'm struggling with a DD who is emotionally all over the place, but I'm trying really hard (and at times, it feels impossible) to not meet their emotional responses with my own emotional response. Often repeated at the moment is 'I appreciate you're tired/ill/unhappy/worried, but there's no need for that tone/response/rudeness' but without it being a telling off, if that makes sense?

I read a while ago: 'connection before correction' and this is what is my focus right now, but what you're dealing with has gone way beyond this. He sounds utterly miserable with himself and you, as his only safe place, are the one who gets the brunt of it. And my God, it's hard to crack through this as he'll resist everything you try, and hats off to you, you're trying so hard.

A few thoughts:

Is there a teacher at school that he connects with? A head of pastoral, or form tutor, or head of year? Can you ask to meet with them, and be really open and honest about what's happening at home and get their support? Our school is really 'on it' when it comes to spotting issues individuals and making it a school-wide issue to tackle, such as manosphere or social media, and they're very good at recognising home and school are heavily intertwined, though I know this isn't always the case.

Another option is the local police - while it sounds horrific to get them involved, can you speak with a local community or youth officer and share some of the examples you've shared here? A friend's son had a near-miss where he was caught with others who were vandalising a building - the police, firmly but fairly, gave him a blocking and it was a wake-up call. While it didn't seem to have an effect immediately, he made some very different choices from that point, and he is a very, very different kid now, a few years on.

As for the internet - yes, restricting it makes sense. Less screen time is a benefit, but it's also incredibly hard to implement and sending them elsewhere in search of it. I don't know enough about it, but can you restrict particular sites with your internet provider, rather than it be a total ban?

What it sounds like he's screaming out for is connection. Not with you, but with others - he doesn't connect with his brother, or kids at school, and he's actively pushing you away. He needs to find his tribe and the problem is that kids who are struggling are less likely to be open to meeting others and trying new things. I desperately want my daughter to take up activities outside of school to expand her world, but of course, she's absolutely anti the idea. Whether its martial arts, rock music, DJing, a language, a sport or Dungeons and Dragons, is there anything you think he just might find an inkling of interest in, so he can meet new people and feel 'seen' by others?

Sending you so much love and luck, and keep talking here - you're not alone.

He seems completely out of control and is abusing you. You need help. You can't do this alone. He is an aggressive young man and you risk violence when trying to tackle this. He's at a pivotal time in his life where he needs support from a male role model and intervention. He won't want to listen to women. A male family member needs to step in or a social service referral so that he can be challenged on his behaviour by a third party authority and so that you can be supported in raising him. They won't remove him unless he's physically violent however I see that being the next stage for you if you don't get a grip on the situation. If you don't tackle it now then he's headed to a life of abusing women and crime. He has no respect for his own mother. How do you think this story goes in the future? You've got to be strong and get someone else involved.

Its screaming out that he really really needs help and understanding - which youre giving him of course but think your only way now is a counsellor again and additional sessions with you both, feels like he really needs a good huge cry in a space with someone impartial and to let it all out, and then do the work to start to heal from whats going on. My heart is going out to him as he's crying out for help but in a way that isnt healthy or manageable at all. It needs professional help bottom line you can't do anymore than what youre doing

I really resent this idea that we need men to
help us raise boys.

Our son pays more attention to my instruction and behaviour management strategies than he does his dads. If anyone tells him to stop, he’s far more likely to do so when it’s me.

We should not be actively teaching our sons to respect male authority more than female. That is setting them up for failure.

We need to teach them that a firm boundary is a firm boundary, regardless of who is telling them so.

Have you considered that he could be autistic? There are several things you have mentioned which sound like very typical male autistic behaviours.

You said this:
I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened
This is extremely autistic behaviour. My ex ( kids's dad) is autistic and this is exactly what he was like. And I have had a lot of intervention and support and done a lot or reading and talking to other people with autistic family members and this is a common autistic trait. You are left shaking after their meltdown rage and they are completely back to normal and expecting you to interact as if nothing has just happened. has.

Also when you say he thinks when people are laughing that they are laughing at him. That is the egocentric mindset that autistic people can have. My Ex used to think that other people's behaviour was about him. He became paranoid too ( thinking every emotion I had and everything I did was to hurt him - he did not seem able to understand I had my own thoughts and feelings about my life - his psychologist said I was completely right when I said that to him, there are no experiences except his experiences).

You say other kids think he is weird that he had no friends. Again, that could be due to autism.

Autistic men are also highly over-represented in all forms of extremism ( probably due to black and white thinking and also being attracted to online communities if they have difficulty socialising in real life) including incel type communities online.

Even the hours of raging at you when he gets his xbox taken away could be autistic meltdowns. Its not normal to rage like that when you don't get your own way.

There is enough in your description to think that autism is a very credible possibility, that explains his behaviour. You can ask for a referral to an assessment ( waiting list is years where I am) but in the meantime I would contact your council and ask about family support services explaining that you think your son has undiagnosed autism and explaining the issues that you have. Or you could contact a children's charity for support too, Also start reading up on autism - try to read material that is honest about autism rather than autism positive propaganda. You need someone who had specialism in this area and who is honest about the really negative impacts not only on the autistic person but those closest to them.

Good luck OP. Living with someone who has the autistic traits your son may have is very difficult but if he is able to get and respond to support it will really help both him throughout his life and you as well.

His behaviour may not be a trauma response to his Dad dying. It might be autism.

Poor child.

I was hinting at this too, I am qualified in this area with first hand experience (and am autistic myself) so I am not your average armchair diagnostic expert 😉

He is being radicalised. No Internet at home. No phone. If he shouts, tough. He'll give up eventually. You also need to report to school so they are aware of what he's been viewing. This is deeply concerning OP.

So sorry this is so hard at the minute. I have a few friends who are single mums to teenage boys and this is a theme with various degrees in severity.

Mu best advice is for you to call Social Services and ask for some early help. If they have a Non Violent Resistance parenting group bite their hand off. It’s exactly what you need.

You also need to look after yourself as well as you possibly can. Try and get a counselling space for yourself so you have a sounding board and somewhere to go with your stuff.

How to Listen so Teens will talk and Talk so Teens will Listen was on a Child Psychologist approved booklist and I really like it. It’s an easy read.

Lots of what you are talking about is normal teenage development but I wonder if it’s all heightened and more difficult for your family because of certain difficulties;

His brother doing so well so feeling not good enough and living up to a role as ‘the bad one’
Feeling the loss of having his dad around and not having a make role model or friends help him figure out who he is and what kind of a man he wants to be.
Screen addiction and negative influences online.
May be there is other stuff too. If there was any domestic abuse when his dad was around that would lead to these kind of issues too.

Your first job is to put anything in place you can to support you. Talk to someone. Take care of yourself.

Then try and figure out - what the different factors are that are causing, exacerbating and maintaining the difficulties. Within him, at home, at school and any part you play.
Then work out what you can do (if anything) about each and pick the easiest first.

Good luck. Raising boys as a single mum is soooo hard.

@rambleberry

I’m short of time so apologies if this is a brain dump but I’m another totally solo parent who has experienced years of child-on-parent violence and abuse. I would recommend PEGS-UK and Capa First Response as the two best charities offering free support in this sphere. I’m an adoptive parent and your posts scream to me of trauma-related issues and broken attachments, due to your significant bereavement. I would recommend Beacon House and Sarah Fisher Connective Parenting for free and helpful resources. Sarah Fisher also offers a decent non-violent resistance course. I have had years of police involvement with my elder AD, now an adult - hell, I’ve even been arrested and spent a night and day in a police cell on a false allegation of assault by my AD - and I have found the police to be the most committed and empathetic of services. They really do not want to criminalise young people and they offer early intervention and Prevent courses for teens at risk (from the manosphere in your case). Please don’t get hung up on removing devices and access to devices if it is going to put you in harm’s way. People here can get very hung up on consequences but if you have a child who really does not care, then often the only person consequences affect is you - and you get an extra punch for your efforts. Clearly there are a lot of children here who are compliant and accept consequences; it can be hard for other parents to accept that there is a cohort for whom they do not work; because the young people do not care and they have worked out they have nothing left to lose by resorting to abuse and violence. From that perspective, I absolutely would not recommend any local authority Early Help Pathway support as it is generally aimed at families where perceived poor parenting is the issue rather than the dynamics of extremely complex families. Also, local authorities view everything through the lens of child protection and frontline social workers are rarely sufficiently trauma-informed or attachment-aware; even though they will tell you they are. Personally, I would seek support for you as a priority ie Talking Therapies through the NHS or counselling through a local Women Centre; it’s hard to be a therapeutic parent when you have no resilience. Also, a suggestion that is maybe a bit left field but maybe look at EMDR, which is an evidence-based treatment for trauma; it could potentially be helpful for both of you? I have my thinking cap on so if I come up with any more ideas or resources, I will post them here. Sending you solidarity, empathy and sympathy.

This has been an eye opening thread for me btw! I'm surprised at how many posters seem to be minimising/ overlooking the death of his dad. It's just such a massive thing for a kid to contend with and it makes perfect sense that there would be a flare up of grief/trauma as he hits puberty.

I really feel for all of you.

I also remember reading something on here which I found helpful when my kids were young and very tantrummy. It was about how the feeling that you're feeling in response to their behaviour is often a communication of what they're feeling themselves. So if you're feeling utterly lost, despairing, angry, that you're trying your best and it's just not recognised, maybe that says something about how he's feeling. That's not to try and "blame" you or anyone else for his behaviour. But sometimes it can be really really important to hold in mind that this might be how he's feeling behind all the awful behaviour.

He is clearly really unhappy. He is bullying you and being horrible at home because he can take things out on you, but having that much power at home over your parent is a double edged sword, it might feel good in the moment, but it will make him feel cruel and more insecure deep down.
You say he is academic, how academic ? Is he bored at school ? If he is super clever there are various things that he could do that might engage him academically and allow him to mix with similar children.
School is often miserable if you are unusual in any way, academically, or in terms of experience. He sounds very insecure and I agree that more counselling might help; he needs things that will build his confidence, he likes music, would he be able to have lessons in some aspect of this ? Guitar ? Keyboards ?

It sounds really tough for you and can’t be great for your other boy either. Are there any chinks of light when he becomes more open ? 13 and 14 can be peak horrible for teens, as pp said, at 16 they are often a bit more emotionally intelligent and can open up. A friend has two sons, not the same as she is divorced , and their Dad is an active parent, but like you she was having terrible rows with her younger son at this age. It has calmed down now he is older.
Do you have friends you can talk to ? What support do you get ?

Also I can second the previous poster who recommended cadets. I've seen how incredibly positive it can be especially for young male teens (and I say that as a lentil-weaving, peace loving semi-hippie).

All the more so if there's possibly autism in the mix.... The young male autistic teens I know have thrived on the structure, clear expectations, rules etc.

Out of interest you say that when he was sick yesterday he wanted to go out in the evening, where would he have been going? Who would he have been going out with?

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight

(this could help unpick the friend issue a bit? Was he asking to see a friend yesterday? does he have people over? Go to other peoples houses?)

See if you can join him up in the sea cadets. I've heard they have a great time going out for sea trips within a few weeks of joining. It gives him a new outlook and gives you a break. The army will teach him to fight. You don't need that. Or you could get him driving lessons. I took my grandson at 13 years old, he loved it. They learn in supermarket car parks. Check which car insurance does it. Admiral did it when my grandson was having a go.

Even yesterday when I picked him up from school he was complaining about how long it had taken me to get there. I hadnt even done anything wrong, I was there to pick him up and bring him home, and he was already having a go at me. It’s the constant little things as well as the bigger incidents that are wearing me down. I feel like I cant do anything right in his eyes and I’m just exhausted by it all

That's just plain rude.

I did read it properly but if you really know the definition of love bombing, you’ll understand it isn’t a positive term. The relationship needs gradual and consistent repair over time.

I'm so sorry, i can understand how awful you feel. I had problems with my son years ago but in his late teens and it just got worse and worse and we are no longer in contact. I wish I had never had him :-(

@rambleberry Have you considered family therapy? In my opinion, your son needs to start learning about empathy and consideration for others. He doesn’t have an ounce for you at the moment by the sounds of things. It needs reflection to be worked upon.