I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Of course, as with everything in raising a baby/child/teen, parents should listen to advice but then make their own decisions based on what suits their lifestyle/values and what they think’s best for their child.

IMHO, at 13, taking devices away is too heavy. Kids game online with their friends. It’s how they have fun. So, it takes their socialising and fun away and is likely to feel patronising, punitive and socially isolating.

But 100% agree helping them turn to alternatives and use safely and healthily is important. So, regularly getting outside in the fresh air (via sports, watching sports, walks, camping etc) helps them learn to get the balance right. Or doing indoors things IRL (hanging with friends, gigs, exhibitions, cinema, cooking, card games, making/fixing stuff etc). Anything that helps them learn life skills is particularly good.

And agree it can be helpful to mutually agree ways to assess and recognise dependency, e.g. by whole family agreeing to digital detox for a week. IME it should never be: “Do as I say, not as I do”. You have to lead by example. Kids learn by observation, so if a parent never puts their phone away, nor will a kid.

OP there's a couple of things I'd do. Firstly I'd remove all unsupervised access to social media (call me old fashioned but I think this should be the case for all kids this age anyway) If you think it's important that he has time online to talk to friends/relax/do homework then it is supervised closely and absolutely no tiktoks that are persuading him to hate women

How supportive are school being? Has he ever had bereavement counselling? I'd be asking for their support and pitch this as safeguarding/wellbeing concerns. I would also contact social workers and ask for some family support work if you haven't already. Their role is to support you both and try and prevent it from getting to the point where he's no longer wanted/safe in the household

Have you seeked support for your own mental health too? This must be beyond stressful for you and you need to get yourself in a place of peace and acceptance as best you can before you can help your son.

Good luck and lots of love to you both. Xx

It sounds as if he’s jealous of his brother. Can you love bomb him a bit? Fake it till you make it?

You have got into such a negative cycle, it may help if you step back and pull him in for a cuddle, say that you need one even if he doesn’t if he’s pulling away. Say you hate all the fighting. If you didn’t love him to bits you’d just let him do what he wants, but it’s because you love him so much you are trying to do the right parenting, loving thing - even if it doesn’t feel like that to him right now.

Try and build up that positive relationship. Tease him a bit, try and have a bit of a laugh if you can. I know it’s difficult when you are feeling so full of resentment but at the moment you can’t see the wood for the trees. Step back and try to reset the relationship. That’s not saying he can get away with anything but just try to reset. “Hey buddy, just because I’ve cuddled you just now doesn’t mean that I’m going to let you get away with x.” Delivered with a smile. You will have to do your best acting for a while, but hopefully it will become easier as you build up your connection more. Maybe do things just with him as he’s your “younger special boy”.

Good luck

As we are not allowed to reprimand our kids anymore instead of child abuse in some cases it has reversed to parents being abused. Turn the internet off. Or even consider cancelling it altogether.
If things get really bad go to social services ask if they can help you get some respite. You don't need to feel ashamed in asking for help. You could also pop to the police station to ask for help.
If he brushes past you aggressively he could one day strike out at you. Ask for help now before he turns into a misoginyst. ( not sure if I spelt that correctly)
You could try refusing to cook his food or do his washing. Tell him if he doesn't like what you do for him he has to see to himself and just take yourself out to a friends or go to bingo.
Live your life you have tried your best. He is old enough. When he comes in from school put his food ready for him to cook, tell him he must clean up after himself. But have your bag ready to just walkout and go get some me time. Best of luck.

I feel very sorry for you and your son, it sounds like a horrendous way to live. I wouldn’t get into a head to head with him to establish control at the moment. It could just escalate the violence. Obviously what he’s looking at online isn’t helping.
I think the best advice you have been given is to approach that organisation that helps with child to parent violence. I would also be looking for anywhere he will accept going where he could meet some strong male role models who aren’t abusive and might balance what he’s seeing online. Climbing? Martial Arts? Outdoor pursuits? It might be better if someone else suggests it rather than you. Some schools are more helpful than others but they might assist.
How is he with his brother? Is one bullying the other or do they give as good as they get?

IMHO, at 13, taking devices away is too heavy. Kids game online with their friends. It’s how they have fun. So, it takes their socialising and fun away and is likely to feel patronising, punitive and socially isolating.

Your post makes 100% sense for a typical 13 year old.

However the ops 13 year old is not typical. He is being radicalised against women. He potentially is isolating himself from regular friendship groups and maybe even leaving himself open to criminal activity such as county lines.
After working alongside other agencies the removal of devices plus a positive action plan that includes targeted youth support behaviour can change and devices can gradually be reintroduced.

I'm often the first to be of the same no nonsense mindframe but..... this poor lad lost his dad at 7! No this isn't an excuse for shitty behaviour but the poor kid needs to be treated as what he is, a kid who's hurting deeply not a kid who's such an incovenience that even his own mum has washed her hands of him before he's even finished puberty. Boundaries are absolutely needed and appropriate but removing all loveand affection isn't an appropriate boundary. If anything he needs to be showered with these things and he needs professional help not the cold shoulder. It's difficult as his behaviour as described by OP is very unpleasant but he is still a child at the end of the day with a developing and malleable brain. Somebody needs to be the adult here and try and do what's right by him.

Yeah I get where you’re coming from, I’ve been in her shoes for four years now and it can be extremely difficult but ultimately, our kids are distressed, not willfully bad, and if we can do anything for them, pulling from the depths of misery to show a them they’re worthy of love and care and time will go so much further than taking away any phone or Xbox. Dissociating the behaviour from the child and where it’s aimed (at us) gives space to see beyond the tantrums to the lost little boy underneath. Two children can react completely differently to the exact same circumstances, it’s not his fault his body is reacting differently to his brother. Doesn’t make him an unlovable kid. Once the relationship is mended, he’ll be more receptive to boundaries. It’s always ultimately about compliance, we need to find the right path to get them to that stage, getting caught up in our own reactions isn’t it.

I’ve asked school for help, mainly his tutor and head of year, and I’ve raised concerns with them since he started year 7. I’ve also tried speaking to our GP because I just dont know what else to do. I feel like everyone keeps telling me to speak to someone else or that they arent seeing the same behaviour I am at home.

After his dad died we did get some support but it was a long time ago now and he was only 7. He did have some help with his bereavement at the time, but obviously that doesnt mean he’s dealt with everything or that it couldnt still be affecting him. I dont know if that’s part of what’s going on now or not.

He says he has friends, and if I ask him he’ll tell me he’s fine socially, but his older brother often says he sees him walking around on his own at school. That’s one of the things that worries me because I dont know whether he’s telling me what he thinks I want to hear or whether his brother just doesnt see the whole picture.

He does seem very paranoid about people laughing at him. The girl he shouted in the face of was laughing with her friends, but he took it personally and thought she was laughing at him. I can understand that it must feel horrible if he thinks people are making fun of him, but he cant react like that every time he thinks someone is laughing at him. It makes things worse for him in the end.

I have tried showing him affection and talking to him calmly, asking him what’s wrong and telling him I love him, but quite often he just tells me to go away, fuck off and leave him alone. If I give him space then I’m accused of not caring, but if I try to talk to him I’m told to leave him alone. I honestly dont know how to get the balance right anymore.

Even yesterday when I picked him up from school he was complaining about how long it had taken me to get there. I hadnt even done anything wrong, I was there to pick him up and bring him home, and he was already having a go at me. It’s the constant little things as well as the bigger incidents that are wearing me down. I feel like I cant do anything right in his eyes and I’m just exhausted by it all.

Sound advice.
I feel for you OP, I had very similar experience with my son and so wish I had got earlier intervention.
I will spare you the details but I didn't get a happy ending.
Take care OP, I can empathise with your feelings.

"You won't be able to just hand him over to social services so don't consider that an option."

So the abuse of a woman by her son is fine and dandy by the state? No human rights for mothers?

I disagree with your premise. Kids go into care for many reasons, and abusing a parent is one of them. If this behavior continues, the OP is within her rights to get her abuser out of her home and social services are legally obligated to house him.

I grew up in care due to my mum
Becoming disabled. In my children’s home there was a few teenagers that were there for abusing their mum. Everyone saying just take the devices away, that’s great and all but if you have a kid that gets angry and pushes you that kid sadly can be the kid that then punches and kicks and what on paper sounds like a child, at 13/14 can be almost a fully grown male when you think about it.

I think the OP needs to give him a male role model whether that’s a parenter or her own father to help guide him. She needs support but I worry that she could end up being harmed down the road. The most messed up kids in our children’s home had lost a parent. It’s really sad but it can cause a lot of internal grief and anger that is past what the standard kid feels.

I thought we'd got beyond the idea that men and women were exactly the same and basically interchangeable by now. Boys and young men do look to men to see how to behave, so better to make sure that they are looking at the right ones.

it sounds incredibly difficult OP and it must have been hard for both of you to like his dad. A few thoughts for me:

One. He’s calling you dramatic? Show him what dramatic looks like. Next time he boots off gather all his electrical stuff together and smash it up to pieces in the garden with a hammer in front of him. The stop talking completely. No further reaction. Grounded for a month.

Two. Stop escalating entirely. He might be trying to get a reaction out of you. Testing your boundaries. No more shouting. No more giving in.

Three. Apply for an early help assessment from your local authority. They can send a family support worker to meet with you both and start to unpick what’s going on. Talk with school. Put together a plan to support.

Probably ignore my first suggestion, tempting as it’d be. But I would get rid of his tech. Teenagers are awful. And it sounds like he’s had a rough time. He needs you to be really strong and put firm boundaries down.

You are his only parent so really need to take control here. It is really hard, i have been there but you have to do it. You control the wifi so bloody well control it, parental controls set to maximum. Sit him down and tell him is behaviour changes and changes now.
New rules as of today. Phone is not allowed in the bedroom, he has to hand it over the minute you say so and you can check what he is looking at whenever you want. Xbox 2 hours max and the controllers live in a locked box in your room. No new clothes, trainer until there is a huge improvement in his attitude. No extra money unless he does his list of chores.
The biggest change needs to come from you, stop giving into him for a "quiet life" as doing that has brought you to where you are now. Every time he shouts walk away and refuse to engage. If he gets violent call the Police, i know that sounds drastic but it needs to be done, it stopped my son in his tracks.
This is your only chance to turn him around.
You can do this, it will be a few hard weeks but it will be worth it.

I'm not sure its that's true full stop. Online gaming is just one way teen lads can socialise and its not the best way, esp for lads with emotional regulation problems. I think its largely promoted as essential by lazy, unengaged parents.

This. And check out voluntary orgs in your area for teen /parent support...

Wow 😱 No wonder people on Mumsnet so offen have terrible relationships with their teens. How on Earth do you think taking all his tech and smashing it with a hammer in the garden would ever help improve their relationship?!?

Hope you can access support OP.

I think parental loss can manifest as intenalized anger. My brother and I have had that. My brother can lash out and get nasty.

It would be good for your son to have some kind of therapy and support. And a strong male figure.

I do think online misogyny is separate to trauma. In my teens, pre Internet there were so many boys that just didn't seem to like women. The Internet ramps this up now of course, so perhaps this is just his personality at the moment and he needs to get off those influencers echo chambers somehow.

I hope someone starts to listen to you OP. Could you try to access grief counseling again for him? A male counselor would be good. Also, is there a group he can join after school or a youth club with male leaders?

It is very clear from your posts that you are a good and loving mother. If you were not you would not care about this situation and be seeking advice.

It sounds like an extremely difficult situation and I don't think there will be any easy solutions.

I think that you should focus on accessing whatever support you can. This may be through your GP - they could help with counselling or medication. I would also keep trying to work with the school. Some are better than others with the support they offer. It may even be worth discussing a managed move for a fresh start elsewhere if this would be possible.

I think though that he cannot be allowed access to the internet. For a while we replaced my sons phone with a nokia 'dumb' phone. I understand how hard this would be, but he will he accessing things online that are making his behaviour worse. He also sounds vulnerable and so could be putting himself in danger online. Aside from this if he is sharing malicious content himself this is absolutely unacceptable.

Lastly, your son almost certainly does not hate you. He is lashing out because he is deeply unhappy with himself. They all do it to an extent and your boy is struggling more than most. I have had moments where I have been devastated by sons behaviour towards me and he is great kid with no issues. It must be really hard without anyone around to back you up and support you.

I hope you are able to find some support and a way of moving forward.

The best advice is those saying refuse to engage. When the red mist of anger is down, no matter what you say it won’t be received in anyway positively. You need to calmly walk away, lock yourself in the bathroom if he follows you, and calmly say “we will talk about this later when emotions aren’t so high”. Then say no more until he is calm. You may find that when he is calmer he will come to you. Ask for a hug and say “let’s sort it out. Remember I’m not your friend. I have to be a parent here and do the right thing, not the easy thing which would be to give in”.

Have you seriously suggested “love bombing?”

I’ve asked school for help, mainly his tutor and head of year, and I’ve raised concerns with them since he started year 7. I’ve also tried speaking to our GP because I just dont know what else to do.

OP - contact your local Early Help.

(Google it for details).

Don't go through school/ GP they are too inundated and are slow to take action, and all they would do anyway is refer you to Early Help.

Just cut out the GP/ school step and contact them yourself. Early Help are the people you need to talk to xx

Sounds like puberty is hitting and from what most of my friends with children say - that’s the most challenging period after newborns and terrible twos.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I am raising two teenage boys and it's hard enough with a dad involved, doing it solo is next level parenting and you should be very proud of what you have acheived so far.

I think this is excellent advice. Teenage boys absolutely have to separate from their mums. It's part of their healthy development, but it's brutal. Particulary when the influences on them outside the home are so toxic. Take time away from him and try and get some help with finding help for him externally, to deal with the manosphere stuff (I realise how hard that is, by the way, my own boys are exposed to it too and anyone telling you to restrict the internet is being naive if they think it's a simple solution).

Sympathies to you and anyone else going through this.