I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Some of the advice on here’s quite alarming: smashing or removing his phone or X-Box or grounding him. Devices are how they socialise, so removing them removes their ability to socialise. The key is using them safely and healthily. With teens, it escalates things if parents or carers get heavy, draconian, controlling or punitive.

Because they’re young people going through big physiological changes (rather like toddlers or women during menopause). They have to (and want to) stop being treated like children and learn to be young adults. It’s tough, because it’s fun being a kid and having adults decide for you - and the adult world, though exciting, is also scary. It can be particularly hard to become an adult if your main role model for what a man or woman should be like (father or mother) isn’t around (or is a rubbish example).

IME, you have to start treating them like young adults, encouraging them to set their own boundaries and be aware of and navigate the risks. It’s really common for parents of teens to want to protect them and continue to treat them like children (setting red lines for them). Or start treating them like the enemy. Whether it’s the online world, peers, drugs, sex etc, IMHO saying ‘don’t do it’ isn’t the best policy. It’s helping them to understand the risks and decide for themselves. Making them aware that, while the world is generally full of lovely kind people, not everyone is mature or healthy and some people will try to manipulate them and they have to identify and rise above that.

IME, the most important thing is don’t get heavy. Diffuse with humour, where appropriate of course (laugh ‘with’ not ‘at’). Find ways to have fun together in a more adult way so they learn from you how you navigate it. @rambleberry you said your DS suggested you go to a gig together in London. IMHO this is a great idea. Same with football matches (local lower league teams if you can’t afford top flight). Getting outside in fresh air (e.g. crazy golf or driving ranges) or walks followed by a pub lunch, where you actually get to chat naturally. Cook together. Stuff adults do.

Reframe how you interact with them, so you speak to them as you would a good friend: “Do you think that’s a good idea?” rather than “Don’t do that”. Or “Why are you shouting at me? rather than shouting back. “Why do you think some men disrespect women?”. So they learn to think critically and hold themselves to account.

I’m no expert, but that’s what worked with my DSs.

OP this sounds so difficult and you are trying your best. I can't even imagine how hard this has been to manage him alone. I think it would be good to talk to a service because I think he is at real risk of being radicalised against women and girls. But you've caught it and you will be able to get some support. Take care of yourself.

I know you have lots of replies and it probably feels overwhelming but I was where you are as a single parent of 2 and DC is now 17 and whilst we still have a few issues things are much better. Here is what helped me:
Referral to social services at my request via school
Referral to CAMHS at my request via school

Instead of waiting for the next row and then saying that’s it your not having your Xbox/phone etc.
I called an “emergency family meeting” and explained we couldn’t carry on like this and in order to keep everyone safe then a total reset is needed. Explained that I tried cinema, Nando’s etc and it didn’t work so things are going to be very different from now on and there will be firm boundaries.
Meal together 4 nights a week, no screens at the table, phones etc handed in at 9pm, home at 9pm ready for phone hand in and start bedtime routine.
Rules written out and stuck on fridge for visual reminder and to give processing time. Then let that sit for a while.

There was push backs in the beginning but they lasted a few days and eventually settled. Like I said things are far from the Walton’s but it’s definitely calmer.

When things kicked off I would grab my keys and go for a drive. I would knock off the WiFi from my car and leave DC for half to an hour to calm down and 9 times out of 10 by time I got home they would say ‘I’m sorry….will you put the WiFi back on’. It was the quickest and safest way of calming things.
I also had a strong door and lock put on my bedroom door and would retreat there too. It’s got a few holes in it where DC would try to batter it down but it kept me and other DC safe.

I'm so sorry OP. I could have written most of this myself including my boys losing their dad at a young age (5 & 7).
There's some good (and very bad) advice on this thread. However, you can tell who hasn't dealt with social care/early help on a personal level. I referred myself to early help. They were lovely but the fact is they couldnt offer what I truly need/want which is a break to sort myself out! It just doesn't exist until absolute crisis point. Mental health services are the same (I know this to be absolutely true because my children lost their dad to suicide). I've done all the referrals, free therapy but that is only good if your child is willing to open up.
Sorry I can't offer any help. I just wanted you to know that I get it and you're not alone. I take one day at a time and try to cling to the fact that one day this will pass and hopefully things will be better. Take care OP x

Quite often there aren't enough police officers available to deal with immediate 'blue light' incidents.

Some of the advice on here’s quite alarming: smashing or removing his phone or X-Box or grounding him. Devices are how they socialise, so removing them removes their ability to socialise. The key is using them safely and healthily. With teens, it escalates things if parents or carers get heavy, draconian, controlling or punitive.

While I agree to a certain extent I have seen x boxes and similar cause young teen boys ( uts always boys in my expierence)into virtual zombies and can't function without them. Cold turkey was the only way for some parents to brake the cycle and rebuild to a healthy amount of playtime.
Smart phones are not great for kids, again, parents that I have supported have taken phones from kids and then reintroduced with a brick phone.
Honestly smart phones is like giving a new young driver a super car, something that is far more powerful and dangerous than they are capable and of handling.

The are old enough to fend for themselves, so I think I would just take the phone and the router and the xbox and leave for a week.

OP this is CAPA Child to Parent Abuse aka CAPVA or APVA

All the posters advising you to turn the wif off etc are missing the point. This is beyond your capacity to deal with. Just as you can’t fix an abusive man, nor can you fix an abusive13 year old yourself.

You need to get in touch with organisations that deal with this type of abuse asap. Eg Respect:

https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva

Here’s their directory of local services:

https://www.respectyps.org.uk/services/directory

And it’s only good men talking against it that vulnerable boys will listen to .

Oh God please don't even think of doing this. He's a 13 year old, bereaved of his dad. "Game playing" like this would be incredibly cruel. He needs consistency, honesty, and as much love as can be mustered, even though he's being awful. A conversation that manipulates feelings/fear of abandonment is the opposite of what's needed.

If it's possible to restrict internet access, do that. If family therapy is possible, do that. When my very unhappy 13 year old was being somewhat hateful (not as severely as this, mind you), we went down the "hug a hoodie" route. Consistently offering the love and care that we were able (dumb stuff like waking her up with a bowl of cereal to eat in bed, always saying goodbye with a sincere "I love you", always welcoming her back home warmly etc, offering a hot chocolate etc). It all sounds pretty lame, but I think did contribute to things improving.

Completely agree. This bit - "Then ask how he would like to go and live with another family. Say that Social Services can arrange for him to be taken away if he finds that his home and his mother are bad for his wellbeing" - made me feel sick.

What help have you been asking for - specifically?

You have had loads of good suggestions on this thread.

You need to get help for him.

You also need to get help for yourself because you keep saying you are burnt out, tired etc.

It is quite clear your family has suffered a major family trauma - I am very sorry for your loss. This is not your fault.

However, if you don't want this to get worse you really need to DO something - tired as you are, and I am empathetic. If you don't tackle this now, robustly, when he is 15 and bigger and stronger than you it will be horrific for you, and for his brother.

Take the advice on this thread and seek outside support and/or family support. Get some help for yourself.
First thing - the internet access needs to be tackled.

Wishing you all the best and that you are able to turn this around.

Hi. I'm so sorry to read about your situation. I haven't read all the thread but I wanted to suggest that you do a NVR parenting course - it stands for Non Violent Resistance. I am an adopter andvknow a lot of people parenting extremely challenging children and this is really the line of last resort when it comes to parenting strategies. You might be able to find an on line course. I definitely wouldn't be putting yourself in danger by removing his devices without a lot of support - the danger of course is that he just goes looking for easy money to replace them. Good luck.

He’s bereaved and mourning and unwell and to help him you must always respond with love and kindness and boundaries. Model this for him . If he shouts - don’t shout back . You are the adult . It sounds like you both need counselling and firm boundaries on internet use.

I’m sorry I have no answers for you hopefully he will grow out of it but I do feel for you and your other son sending you a hug x

If you give in even once to shouting/tantrums then you're teaching him that screaming at you works.

Tell him that from now on there will be changes - restricted internet etc. Then stick to it. No means no.

Try not to take anything personally and really work on staying calm no matter what.

Ask for help. It's completely normal to struggle, especially as a solo parent. We all need support sometimes.

There’s a Facebook page called sunflower parent support that will provide you with lots of tips for getting through this stage. He sounds demand avoidant and taking away the WiFi will not work. Parenting these kids is different from supernanny 🙄

Give him some responsibility, be his friend for a bit not his mum, give him choices and opportunities to figure out himself what’s right and wrong, plant seeds and make things his idea. Pick your battles (massive one!) So for example, if he went out feeling sick and puked somewhere, that’s on him. If his friends get sick, they’ll be annoyed at him, you can advise but let him make his own mistakes. The mysoginistic online stuff, calm grown up chats are the way ahead with this, and some maturity. Try the Calm Parenting Podcast. He’s feeding off your energy. Gabor mate, etc have great advice on trauma and healing. There’s a charity here that does trauma counseling, anything in your area?

my biggest advice, dial down, negotiate with him, treat him like a grown up and he’ll grow up. Start with a sorry, and you’ll try to listen more etc (I know it grinds against everything we think we should do) but honestly once he starts talking to you and your relationship gets better, his anger will drop and you can start making progress and reinstating boundaries. Getting tough with these kids just makes them angry and rebellious.

Oh and NEVER take advice from someone who’s not had a kid like this. My kid is 18 now and the most lovely, insightful soul. Her behaviour improved almost instantly when I changed my attitude, there is no space for conflict. You need him talking to you and that will never happen if you’re trying to control him. (He’s already out of control) Good luck!

Have you tried safe guarding via school? You are the butt of all his rage and it’s not fair but he also needs therapeutic support by the sounds of it. I think you can also request an assessment via the council and this is how you may access services. Where I live there is a boxing club which does boxing therapy especially with teen boys, they literally change lives, is there anything like this locallly?

I think people are offering advice as if the OP is starting from scratch and she is in a good place herself . OP is a broken woman at the end of her mental and physical abilities and she somehow needs to get herself in the right position to take on this challenge . How she does that I’ve no idea accept take any help available from family , friends , authorities.

Oh and as much as it will pain you while he’s been a wee shit lol, show him and remind him that actually, you bloody love him 💙 It’s easy for that important part to get lost in all this chaos ☺️

I know you meant this helpfully, so not to jump on you, but..

It’s very difficult to show love to anyone who is being outwardly unkind to you.

Sometimes, unfortunately, that does include your own children.

The human response is to not want to engage with someone who shouts at you every time you try, and parents are humans too.

He absolutely needs his phone privileges and wifi privileges dialled down and even temporarily taken off him. Is there a good male role model in the family who could take him under their wing? I would outsource to a cousin or brother so they can help carry the load after all it takes a village. For the women who have been derisive of the OP she is clearly overwhelmed and tired so please be charitable. Also remember that in domestic violence the mother-son violence is a real issue and can turn lethal. Sons are the second highest demographic after partners to become lethal with their mothers so this is no laughing matter.

A few questions @rambleberry has your son had any kind of counselling about his dad? and have you told the school the actual the content he is looking at?

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say

This is serious red flag behaviour and if the school are ignoring this then they need reporting!! If you have not been 100% honest about the content he is viewing in order to protect him then you need to stop this.

I know MN isn't a fan but I'd try a bit of old fashioned tough love.

Take his phone and XBox off of him. Let him shout and scream and kick off but make sure he knows if he lays so much as a finger on you, you'll call the police. Tell him that this is his last chance to sort himself out, show him you are in charge.

Put your boundaries in place and do not deviate from them. Have some stock replies to his demands and just repeat, repeat, repeat ("do not shout and swear at me" / "you can have your devices back when you behave" etc). Walk away from any escalating behaviour, do not argue back, do not show any emotion but do not give in be consistent, keep calm and pray he responds to the some authority and restrictions.

Are you afraid he'll physically hurt you @rambleberry ?. It sounds like this is where it's all leading.

A surprisingly good place to find him some positive male influence is Army cadets. (Or Sea/Air cadets).
They teach family first, school second, cadets third. They teach respect and IME the leaders are amazing.

What a complex and sad state of affairs.

Grief,loss, hormones,technology.

The way he is behaving is totally unacceptable.

Have you got a friend who can help?

Make a plan. Pester every single avenue of support and pay for a therapist for yourself ASAP.