I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

I don’t think anybody is minimising it at all, it’s
massively significant. It may not be the only puzzle piece is all.

I believe this is very true and is good advice.
Continue to push EVERYONE you can for support (school, GP, social services) as your son needs you. He is lashing out at you because you are the safest person for him to do this to. He sounds very angry and probably has a lot of internalised fear and anger that he needs support dealing with.
Have you looked into therapeutic parenting? Some of the advice and information given around this may be very helpful for you to understand him and help him.
Please don’t give up, he does need you, he just doesn’t realise how much.

https://documents.safefamilies.uk/TP_Handbook.pdf

https://fostering.nottinghamshire.gov.uk/parenting/therapeutic-parenting/

You don't think anyone on here is minimising? I disagree. And if course bereavement/grief/trauma isn't the only puzzle piece. Nothing ever is!

It's frustrating that quite a few posters are relying to the OP with suggestions that are either geared towards regular stroppy teens, or that seem to lack empathy for the significance of his loss (smashing his tech?? Reading him the riot act? Faux "threatening" with fostering??)

I feel so sorry for you OP. I’d hate him too if he were mine. But it might improve. First of all, stop giving so much- he’s just throwing it back in your face and you’re exhausting yourself. Second, focus on building yourself up, the project on him can wait.

Love bombing is also a parenting technique developed by Oliver James. Itvis supposed to reset the relationship between a parent and child. It is mainly aimed at younger children tbh. I did it with both my children (both adopted) after seeing OJ explain it at a parenting seminar for dealing with challenging behaviours.

If he likes music, that could be your in.
do you think he’d try playing an instrument?
drums is incredible for getting out anger but guitar is so much easier to live with!!
is that a possibility?

I disagree . All teenagers reach “that age” without being vile. It’s the external factors ( as other s have pointed out ) that are shouting louder at him and drowning out the basic values OP has taught him. That and the lack of consistent consequences means he is only thinking of what he wants and anything else, including his mother, becomes the enemy.

I don't know whether he could be autistic, it's never something I've really thought about because he coped okay at primary and it was only secondary he struggled with making friends then I heard from my eldest that he was always on his own and his behaviour would be called weird like when he’d stare at his reflection when outside and fixing his fringe etc then he got called gay because of that when I don't think he is he just cared more about his appearance than other boys his age. He still does now and often picks his spots which I tell him not to as they get really red and I worry about infections

Then as year 7 went on his behaviour got wose and he was angry all the time and it's just worsened over the months. He says he has friends at school but then ds1 says he’s on his own just walking around, they have a small age gap so I thought they’d get along but they don’t,they’re complete opposites and DS1 doesn’t want to do anything with him because it’s pointless because it always just ends in an argument (his words)

He doesn't want to do anything with me, he goes to watch football on his own, it’s a league 2 team and they’re actually really community based and have a chaperone for children 10-13 who wouldn’t be able to go otherwise that stays with them which he’s apart of, i offered to go with him once and he said he’d rather not go so I didn’t bother because then he’d miss something he enjoys. He goes to every home game on saturdays, i say no to midweek because it’s dark by the time it finishes and im not sure many children go then either atleast in term time, ds1 sometimes goes but he prefers a premier league club which doesn’t offer a chaperone

I don’t know where he wanted to go yesterday, he just says “out”, the only time i know where he is is when he goes to football. Hes still not 100% today and has been sleeping all day and hasn’t eaten since yesterday before school so I dont know why he wanted to argue about going out when he’s clearly not well, its like he just wants to argue and had a sudden burst of energy which he used for an argument

Have you spoken with school? Meet with his head of year or the pastoral lead or Family Engagement Officer.

Does he have any positive male role models in his life? Does he play a sport and have a coach you could talk to? A male relative? He needs to see the opposite of the hideous attitudes he's sucked up online.

Parenting teens is challenging but what you're experiencing is really hard work and I'm glad you're reaching out and asking for help.

He will get bigger and stronger and angrier so now is the time to get in there and make the changes. It's too hard to do this all on your own, especially as he seems to lack respect towards you as his mum and as a woman.

Are you in contact with his friends' parents in any way? I mostly see my teen boys' mates' parents at their sports games so it doesn't have to be another whatsapp or school mums.

First stop for me would be school. They SHOULD be able to signpost you to local support and they'll know your context.

I agree that councilling would be a good route but I worry that he's so disengaged and disrespectful of you that any suggestion that comes from you won't be something he'll go for, that's why I think talking to school and other local support could help you get to a point where counselling is an option.

This.

It's really hard to be resilient and stick to boundaries when you're experiencing abuse. Yes, there may be reasons why he's abusing you but it doesn't make the abuse go away that there's a reason he's doing it.

Agree with internet ban. Yes there is a real risk to this, though - males who've been through puberty have 150% the punch power of adult women. He won't be quite there yet, but he'll probably be stronger than you. So it is a risk, if you think physical harm is a real risk please try and talk to someone (e.g. social services) first before you do anything. Also the ban ideally should be for everyone in the house so firstly he can't just nick his brother's or your phone and secondly so he's not singled out. I know this will make things difficult for you but I think it's needed for a time. You'll have to go out to use the internet or only have it on when he's in school.

It might help also for someone else to be the one making this decision so you don't get blamed e.g. someone else is in control of turning the internet on and off in your house, if possible. Do you have any family members who could do this for you?

Please speak to the school. Get Early Help involved. Specifically say you want this. Say you're concerned about who is influencing him and his attitude to women and girls - one would hope that they're a bit more clued into misogynist hate online these days. Apart from anything else, if he's treating you this way he'll also be prone to the same behaviour towards girls (and maybe also female teachers) in the school - they should care about it.

You need outside help OP as you know and are trying to get.
He has been radicalised and has no respect for you or other women.
Please keep pushing anyone you can for help - school, GP, counselling - tell them he is being violent towards you and the worst things he says. Good luck.
You are a good and caring mum and are going through the mill. Keep going. Your son is crying out for help. Good luck.

Get rid of the phone and Xbox, get parental controls at least and change wifi password.

You need assistance and family therapy. Please contact social services and say you’re desperate and scared he's growing up to be violent and misogynistic. They should provide support, signpost to family therapy and offer solutions. Good luck OP; this sounds so hard.

Please do go to social services though, else you risk sending an abusive man out in to the world.

If you are frightened for your own safety ring Women’s Aid.

I don’t know if this is good advice but personally, I would’ve pulled over the car and he’d probably kick off and say what are you doing etc and I’d say right, I’ve come to collect you from school and drive you home and you are talking to me like a piece of dirt. I’m not going anywhere until you stop giving me abuse. I know it’s not very nice and it’s confrontational but you can’t keep taking this abuse. I agree he needs counselling and that he’s dealing with grief and trauma but you’ve got to get back some of the control here.

Just because your son is well behaved and respects women doesn't mean they all are. Do you think an angry teenager who is already displaying signs of misogyny is going to care what a female says when he clearly hates them? Common sense here! Don't compare this story to your own.

You need to get some structure to your parenting and stop taking things personally. I have two teenagers so i know what its like and im a single mum too. You need to be strong for him.
You need rules for behaviour and language. What i do for example is to take away screentime for cussing or insults or throwing things. I have family link on their phones and lock phones in extreme situations or take the whole ps5 to work with me. Doesnt happen often, but when it does the tantrums are epic and i just have to suffer them. You can not give in and not not follow through. Ever. Sticking to your own rules and enforcing them is LOVE. The kind that they require at this age.

This is easy to say and very difficult to do if you're worn down and worn out, being abused and at your wits end.

It's why I said she needs someone else to make these decisions, like the internet. She needs help. She literally says she's trying to do this but she can't anymore.

Feeling scared about being raged at and called names like bitch all the time in her own home is not 'taking things personally' it's objectively abusive behaviour.

I know how difficult it is to do because i do it Every Single Day. With 2 sons. On my own.

Change the WiFi password today and don’t give it him. Confiscate his phone. You also need to speak to professionals and take him to see them. He sounds like he’s being groomed by incels. Can’t believe you gave him your bedroom! He knows he can control women and this is a slippery slope.

Sorry but if you’re unwilling to go through taking the phone away, you will get nowhere. You’ll have a terribly few days and then he will eventually give up. Giving in reinforced and exacerbated his behaviour. No one can help you if you if you don’t do this sadly

There is a strong chance he will just go and get money from illegal activities like county lines. He already doesn't have friends apparently but is going out in the evening and the mum doesn't know where.

This family is way past the point of taking away devices.

Sorry lots of responses and haven't had a chance to read them but my first thoughts were reaching out for support and getting some good male role models. Perhaps try some different sports and groups like scouts? Get more physical and outside.

Also did a quick search and came across these

Would absolutely talk to your child's school and look into the VAWG initiative and see if anything is happening local to you

Forgot to attach

Another thought. Complaining, anger and refusal to so anything can be signs of low self esteem. He might feel insecure in himself and it shows up as attacks and disinterest. Hope you can find a way of connecting with him as well as establish some ground rules.
You should not accept being insulted in your own home. But it requires you never to cross that line either. Is it ok in your home to cuss and call each other names? If you as a parent dont do it, he should not be allowe either. Just because he puts up a fight against the rules doesnt mean the rules dont stay.
But try find a way back to him. Even when it feels hard, find ways to connect. Keep on saying you love him, make his favourite food, ask to join him to watch something, give him a stroke pr even a hug. He needs the positive care too.

Agreed.

You know deep down OP that its happening because you give in/give up / don't see out the consequences.
What you have to understand is that this won't get better - and it wont stay as it is now either - if you carry on as you are. It will only get worse, and it has the potential to get SO much worse, with him getting aggressive/violent towards you, destructive in the home, engaging in petty crime outside the home, stuff like school refusal.

You're burying your head in the sand because you can't cope with the confrontation and arguments but you have to see that only you can start the process of fixing this, you are the parent, its on you, and you have to toughen up and start seeing stuff through. You can't ask for help expecting others to do the hard work because you dont want to, its your child and your responsibility. You know you have to toughen up and yes you'll have a rough time initially but i think you'll be surprised how quickly stuff will improve if you are firm and hold the line.