To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

Yes I know people who have done similar!
A friend from school had her first child at 18 (with an older man, shock horror!) but they are still together now and did have a second child. She was able to get into work once her first child started school and worked her way up into a good management role, no university fees either. Myself went to uni immediately after school, didn't have kids til nearly 30. Did have a career as a teacher but felt too exhausted by it all that I quit teaching and became a TA. So my route has gone backwards and I have become less skilled and lower paid.
I also know someone who's teenage daughter had a baby but again now has a better job than me as they went back to college (as didn't have A levels) did an access course, got into the local red brick uni and then did a masters. Better skilled, better paid and definitely has more energy!

She's not being a lawyer though. Working for a legal advice company But the fact she can get that kind of degree and still earn so little makes it hardly worthwhile with the effort and expense of a non mickey mouse degfee

NC for this

I think there are pros and cons for both and it depends massively on your own personal resilience and mental resources. If you have high levels of personal resilience and mental resources you will do well whatever age you have kids. If not, people struggle regardless of their age.

I was a teenaged mother. I was also a single parent by the time my child was 2, with no contact from the father and never had a single penny from him.

Life was hard, we had not much money, clothes and toys were often bought from charity shops.

But I did A levels at night school and went to uni when he started school. I am now 50, a Dr, mortgage free, work part time and spend a lot of time traveling. My friends still have pre and/or school age children (due to going uni later, most of my friends are in their 40s).

So for me, it turned out really well and I have a work life balance I am happy with. But I have the mental capabilities, both intellectually and emotionally to have coped with being a single mum and having a challenging and successful career. Not everyone has the capability for that, so it might not have worked out so well for them.

I don't feel like I missed out on anything by having him young. We went on adventures together and have had all sorts of experiences, and been to lots of places around the world.

If I had my child when I was older, sure he wouldn't have needed to have clothes from charity shops and car boot sales, but I don't think he really cared about that when he was a young child. He was fed and loved and didn't go without. I was incredibly resourceful with money. I used vouchers, clubcard hacks, got travel lodge rooms for £10-20 a night. I am really good at making a little money go a long way. I still try my best to make my money go a long way now, even though I am in a stronger position financially.

I am not sure that is sensical. She has a good degree (I don’t know if you said what uni, not all 1st degrees in law are considered equal), but that means nothing if she doesn’t get a job. Law is extremely competitive and it sounds like she’s working to gain experience (probably with the hope of getting a better job?). You tend to have to commit a lot of time and financial resources at the bottom end of the legal career ladder but then the earning potential is huge. Trainees in US firms in London start at £180k+. Obviously they are extremely competitive and you’ll be selling yourself to the job for a number of years. it’s very variable, and saying one person with a first class degree doesn’t earn much 2 years out of uni doesn’t say much at all about anything 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wonder whether it will be increasingly attractive as the financial benefits of uni feel less certain.

My children are doing it different but ds has 2 at 21. One baby and one ‘step’ son but he is the only dad in the picture and they are marrying next year. His partner is older and he is knee deep in footy practice, night feeds, reading eggs and loves it all. He will be buying his first house next year having reaped the savings of working and living at home for a few years. His siblings won’t make the same choices but he is very happy.

I think there is a lot of middle class judgement about travel or parties or sex and what they should mean and when they should happen but actually I think equally interesting and dynamic types make different choices that suit them. As for things not lasting… well indeed that’s true and at any age.

Just need to correct the people insisting she was 16. This was Y13; her birthday is this week so she was 18. Not that it makes a huge difference emotionally but from the standpoint of being legally an adult, it does.

Well, he sounds like a son to be bloody proud of irrespective of his age

What a lovely post (sorry I am just catching up now.)

I guess there are always going to be pros and cons to whenever you have a baby.

Would I want my teen ds or DD having a baby? Well no, it would make their life difficult. But would it be the end of the world? Also no.

My 1st was a contraceptive failure as an undergrad. We chose to continue with the pregnancy and we both finished our degrees. But it wasn't easy and our friends around us were continuing with the carefree student life, travelling and then getting on with careers. I felt lonely and left behind.

The flip side is we decided that rather than have a big age gap if I was trying to establish a career we would continue having more babies and I would stay home while my bf/now DH got his career going. So now I'm in my 40s, my DC are working full time/on the cusp of leaving home and I've been able to establish myself at work without needing to take maternity.

I have peers from uni who had DC a few years after us so are around 10 years old and some who have only recently had children so are in the toddler trenches. I can't imagine doing that in my 40s!

Swings and roundabouts though. They had a long time to earn money, be financially stable, travel the world and so on before children and were more settled when they had dc. We winged it and we've basically never had adult life without children. But soon the DC will have left home and we will be able to travel then. And we are happy with our life.

Realistically though, not many people stay with their teen boyfriend/girlfriend and young pregnant women are vulnerable. Neither the OPs story nor mine would look so good with a boyfriend who legged it and a single mother dropping out of education because they didn't have the support to juggle it all.

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea i think that feeling out of sync with others is perhaps the hardest part, whether you’re the older mum around friends who’s children have left that stage or the young mum with friends still carefree.

For various reasons my NCT group mostly stayed at one child; some through choice and some not, but when I had DD I felt a bit out of sync, I was going back to nappies and sleepless nights and weaning as they were leaving that particular stage and going to the next. I remember feeling quite upset once they walked off with their three and a half year olds as I struggled with a toddler and a pram. But it doesn’t last forever.

I got married/pregnant at 21. I found motherhood extremely easy, partly because I got lots of support off family (I was seen as young and vulnerable ) and partly because I had so much energy. Had I have left it at that by the time I was 40 I would have been Scott free.
However I had another baby at 39, found it extremely hard (mentally and physically. )Had little help as it was assumed I was fine and my parents were in ill health by then. And now I will be nearly 60 before I am child feee.

I sometimes wished I'd had my children sooner so I'd have longer with them before I die. Having children at twenty rather than in my thirties means at least ten years less by the time I pop off.

The chance of seeing grandchildren grow to adulthood with families of their own is reduced too, although I know I might never have had any!

Your first paragraph hits the nail on the head. And you are proof of that. Well done!

This is a lovely story.

Did you find it challenging to combine medical school with motherhood?

I also trained as a teacher in 2011. I found the PGCE year and the NQT year pretty brutal as it was, I couldn’t really imagine doing them with three young kids to focus on as well. I also would have been very sad to miss out on my university years with all the fun and freedoms they brought. Having children that young wouldn’t have worked for me.

Surely it depends on the person, I had no maturity, terrible self esteem and was completely off the rails at that age. Age 35 I was only just about sensible enough to become a mum.

I would not want to miss my 20s… the traveling, the parties, going to uni, studying abroad, festivals, that carefree time when it doesn’t matter much that you have little money, few responsibilities …
I don’t think you get the same uni experience at 30

I met my husband at school. Left 1st year uni as pregnant (accidently), quickly had 2 more. 3 children under 5 at 23. Started work at 26, feeling behind my peers. Quickly rose through a career path and now 55 and a Director for a number of years. 3 grown up kids and assorted grandchildren, money to spend and health to play with them. Love my husband to bits, and the peaceful time we get is precious. I have colleagues with kids the same age as my grandchildren and feel sorry for them!

No, you get a better one.

I know a lot of couples who were teenage sweethearts and had a teen pregnancy abd are still 30 and 40 years later.

Their lives is similar to your friends and are successfully.
I know people will say they are likely to divorce or split up but I can equally name dozens of people who got together in their late 20s or 30s, had kids and then split up.

I really hate it when I hear people say a young person has ruined their life if they get pregnant young.

Not everyone wants to travel or go to uni. My best friends dd is 23 and has 4 children under 5, her husband works and she goes to uni and is living her best life.

Thing is, a lot of people don’t have that anyway. I didn’t.

I had my son when I had just turned 21 so not as young, and I did not stay with the dad. My son is 14 now and I'm 35. But I am glad I did, it forced me to grow up and make something of myself. I have a good job now, a lovely partner, two bonus kids, lovely house and a great life. And I'm looking forward to our 40s when our kids will be grown and we can have our freedom again as we have never experienced that before!
The cons however is that most of my friends are only just having families now, they are all either pregnant or in the baby/toddler years and so I feel I don't really have many people to do fun things with as they don't have much free time, whereas I do. I would of loved to have gone through the baby stage with a group of friends so there is that side to it as well.

I don’t think there is any right or wrong way in all honesty. I had kids at 37 and dearly wished I had them younger, but I guess someone younger might wish they had waited.

It worked well for your friend but hasn’t (IMO) for my cousin and her DD. Both started breeding young with chaps who should have been sterilised at birth. Lol.

seriously neither have the drive to better themselves or encourage their children to do too. It’s actually a sad state of affairs with the grandchildren in that they are not encouraged to attend school but have free rein to trot around with other delinquents.

no good will come of that.

I met my DH at 14.
engaged at 17.
bought first house at 18
first son born when I was 20.
married at 21.
2nd house bought at 21
2nd son born when I was 22.
3rd house bought when I was 23.
46 now and about to celebrate 25 years marriage.
id say your friend did it right for them like I did it right for me and my husband . It’s not always the case though.