To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

Well I had my daughter at 19 and thought my 40s would be great. I find it lonely and wish my daughter was still at home

IL had DH young and only him - meant by 40s they were parenting and mortgage free due finacial winds and trading up when that still worked. They've gone out and travled loads in 50s and 60s.

Some of DH in HE students have done similar - have kids while still studying and working - it doesn't look easy or come back few years after kids to get further quaifcations.

Also knew a mother who had first two at 18-20 next two 31 and 32 and crammed in another 4 before menopause - all with same father. Knew a few more who had first one or two then a huge gap in one case of 22 years and then new partner and another one.

I met DH at 18 at uni - married 26 had kids 28 and everyone seemed to think it was too soon and we should wait. No-one really said what we should wait for - we weren't living a high life of travel lifestyle more saving for a house.

I think generally teeangers not having kids these days is a massively good thing for them and wider society - but I do think there a lot of waiting for no reason suggested then almost surprise when then means closer to retriement ages and still have dependent kids.

I think most people are still settling down late 20s early 30s with outliers either side with more pronounced pro and cons.

This is one of those things that is just very individual. There's no better or worse way, only different people and circumstances.

Personally I'm glad I did education/ enjoying myself first and then became a parent later on. It was right for me. It's not right for everyone.

This! Just what I was going to say. It seems that she was exceptionally lucky with the guy she slept with at 6th form. My friend had a similar experience, but she was just 16 (and is still happily married to him decades later).

That is the problem with doing things that way round - how many of us would want to spend the rest of our lives with someone we fancied at 16?

But that is exactly what I did. We’ve been married 55years. I fancied him then (at 16) and still fancy him now. He’s my absolute hero. However, we made a conscious decision not to have children until I was past 25. Having 4 siblings much younger than me I had my fill of babies before marriage and wanted some freedom and fun. No regrets.

‘The guy she slept with at sixth form’ was her boyfriend.

I feel that there’s been at least two posts strongly suggesting it was just sex ‘the guy she was shagging,’

It sounds like it’s worked brilliantly for her.
I was in a stable relationship at that age, but we split when I was 24. In hindsight I’m very, very glad we didn’t have children and settle down together.
My mid-late 20s was the time of my life. I lived abroad, climbed the career ladder and overall just had a brilliant time before settling down at 30. I wouldn’t want to have missed out on that.

It wouldn’t have been for me. I was living abroad and earning a fortune at 25, kids were far from my mind! I’d have been an awful mum then.

Most 16 yo kids are not having serious relationships though, that is very much the exception surely.

I’ve been with DH since we were late teens but didn’t become a parent until I was late 30s (not my choice).
If we’d have had children young we’d have struggled less with the tiredness and energy requirements but we would also have been less able to provide a stable home as we didn’t have any money.
We probably weren’t as resilient as a couple then as we are now because we’ve been though stuff but you never know, we may have pulled together.
We got to enjoy our 20s and most of our 30s and now (happily) have limited freedom as our LO is young.

On the flip side, my mum had me young so by the time she was my age (early 40s), me and dsis were 19 and 22 and she had the freedom to work less and enjoy life more - but it meant she spent her 20s tied down by 2 young kids.

I don’t think there is a ‘right’ way to do it but I do think young mothers are harshly judged when actually, there’s a lot to be said for having youthful energy when you’ve got a child.

I think if you can make it work, have a supportive partner and family and are ambitious it can be brilliant!

one of my dsis had her first at 19 when she was at uni. Went on to have her 2nd at 25 (finished uni and working ft by then). Same dad, they married when she was 24, bought a house when they were 23. She just turned 40 recently and her dc are nearly 21 and 15. Both kids are super smart, were/ are at grammar school. Oldest in 2nd year at uni studying medicine. Her dh took her away to Caribbean for her 40th. Oldest dc, plus grandparents helped look after the 15 year old.

my other sister had a dc at 17. Dad didn’t stick around but she met someone else and married a brilliant guy at 23. Bought house at 23. Had second at 24. Ones just started uni and she’s only 36. She continued studying (took a bit longer), went to uni and is now a senior social worker (8 years qualified).

im very proud of them both! Their lives are fab! Their kids are almost grown and they’ve so much freedom. If they’re lucky (well lucky imo) they could be around to see grandchildren and great grandchildren even.

I think if you can make it work, have a supportive partner and family and are ambitious it can be brilliant!

At age 16??? 😳

All my hubby's mates are under 40 and I bet they're all well clear of £40k. Mostly trades, self-employed.

It worked out - for many it doesn’t. I wouldn’t encourage my daughter to have a baby while doing her A’Levels. If it happens accidentally it’s not the end of the world - but it does make life harder - university becomes much more difficult and she won’t have had the same life for those years as her friends.

I Don’t think you can take one persons experience and suggest that’s the right way to do it: the statistics for teen pregnancy outcomes don’t make great reading - that’s why governments across the globe have invested in trying to reduce the rate of young pregnancies:

I had my first baby at 18 with DH. We’ve had three more children and are still together and in our 40’s.
We are very happy and have been incredibly fortunate financially.
I wouldn’t want any of my DC to have children so young though.

OP, you've touched on something I've thought about often as I've got older.

It seems totally crazy that women are expected to somehow slot in having children in the sliver of time between establishing a career post-uni and starting to run into problems with conception. (Yes, I know that many women can conceive at 40-43, but not everyone can, and you don't know which group you're in.) This is especially true if you want more than one child.

The whole rhythm of uni to marriage-and-career to childbearing does not fit in with women's biology whatsoever. Much like the 9-5, these social norms are NOT created with women in mind. I suppose that back when women were fighting to get out of the kitchen and into the office, we just needed to prove to men that we could do the same as they did. It probably would have been a step way too far to try to join the workforce in ways that accommodate our biology.

Anyway, you're definitely on to something, OP. I have felt for a long time how unfair it is to women today that we're expected to get a higher education, marry, have a few years of marriage and building a career and THEN, when everything else is in place, try for children. It might be a good idea financially, but not so much biologically.

No wonder the birth rate is so low. Our society is not set up for women to have children. Much is demanded of us before we get to that stage; marriage is an unstable institution these days; and governments have allowed the cost of living and house prices to rise out of control with no salve, such as rent control.

Women need to feel somewhat safe and free of heavy worries like housing or relationship woes in order to have children, and I never did. Men don't want to commit and have families at younger ages, either. (Many of them think they're Adonis and as many women as possible must benefit from their golden penis before they eventually settle down. 🙄)

For me, I had an unstable marriage, and then my mum became terminally unwell, and I just became more and more tired and beset by worries, although I was still thinking of babies until I was about 41.

There's something to be said for having babies in the first half of your twenties, before the heavier things of later life overwhelm you.

I wish it was the norm for women to have children between uni and starting a career. Of course, that depends on having the right partner, I know. But being a family man is not valued in our society, so men don't want to settle down at 25.

I don't know what the answer is. I only know that society has failed in creating good conditions for women to have children in their earlier years.

Of course, there are many advantages to having children later. But I feel that many women are pushed into it being later when they'd rather have had them earlier. As it turned out, my uni boyfriend wasn't the right person for me, but if he had been, and he'd wanted the same as me, I'd have married him out of uni and tried for a family a year later. I'd have had two and then started my career in my late twenties. The IDEAL time to have kids is after uni. So much energy, few worries. (For most; I know that some deal with sick parents and other issues much earlier in life.)

Also, I think that if you have children early, it's nice that you potentially get to see more of the future generations that you would otherwise. And also your children have you for longer.

That's nice for them

Does that not depend on the friends though? I had my eldest when I was 20. Most of my friends had babies or even 2 kids by then

And if you think that's adequate compensation for spending your teens and/or twenties knee-deep in nappies and reading bands, rather than roaming around the world on a shoestring with no ties or responsibilities, then I suppose that's the kind of person you are, and it seems like a worthwhile trade-off.

I did my roaming round the world when I had the money for decent hotels. Nothing would have induced me to go backpacking when I was in my 20s, I’ve never liked roughing it.

I guess so. I've never been close to £40k a year as an employee but I've only got a degree, I should have learned to plumb houses instead. But £40k isn't a big deal these days, it's £20 an hour. That's what I charged when I was personal training and doing care work but I never got anywhere near FT hours in. I'm sure the going rate for a skilled job is way higher than that.

I know a graduate from 2024 who has a first in law. She's earning 50p an hour more than minimum wage

If she graduated 2 years ago she won’t be qualified yet. A law degree in itself doesn’t earn you a lot of money, being a lawyer (depending what type) can.

Is she working in law? Law is bad like this though, always has been from what I'm told. I had a friend at uni who did law and she was on minimum wage for her training contract, not even a penny more, and that was after 3 years undergrad and 1 year at law school which I think is even more expensive than uni. Even after qualifying as a solicitor she wasn't on much of a salary and put so many hours in. Once she had three years under her belt she went out on her own and does well now. But you can still do very well in law if you can find a training contract.

AI is going to be brutal for entry level professional roles. Even my hubby is using it for structural engineering calculations and things like that.