To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

Not necessarily if I hadn’t waiting 10 years before DC I could have wasted a lot less time with him, couples of all ages spit up after having kids.

I did similar, although didn’t travel in a long session, but took lots of trips. uni was free at the time. I took a gap year and worked (living at home) to fund fun (two jobs, one office, one bar work) and travel and uni living expenses. I didn’t have a child that I had to pay for or look after which meant I could basically spend all my time working and having fun. And then uni and having fun.

I think most people change emough from their teenage years that it probably wouldn’t work out so well.

You may have wrote this before I added this part to my post but yeah I have acknowledged it can go wrong for any age of people :

I mean my mum went to uni and graduate school and married at age 30 before having kids and it still didn’t work out with my dad but the difference is she had at least some qualifications and career experience and had a marvellous time in her 20s.

Ditto, first at 36. In your 40's is too old I believe, for me anyway.

I never had children but always said if I did I wanted my first at 28 and haven’t changed my mind on that. My mom had all 4 of her kids by 22 and it was hard. She said if she had her time again she would have her first in her mid 20s.

You don’t have to be in a relationship to bring your children up to thrive in the world

My cousin, someone I worked with and my sister's SIL all had children very young and it worked out for all of them. The key thing was, I think, that at least some people in their lives were very positive and supportive. It's not ideal to have children very young but I hate the automatic negativity that people sometimes spring to - the sense that it'll ruin your life and it's the worst thing ever. All things being equal, having a baby is a positive thing. There are better and worse times to do it, but it isn't a crime or something to be ashamed of. As for the long term outcome, I know quite a few people who waited till the 'right' time to have kids, who still ended up in very difficult situations, bad relationships etc.

Can I also make another important point about teenage motherhood. I can only speak for myself, but at the time I genuinely never felt that I was missing out on my youth. I wasn’t jealous of my friends and their nights out, or holidays or uni experiences. I never wanted those things. I wanted a good night’s sleep. I wanted the money to pay the gas bill. I wanted the DCs to shut the hell up for half an hour! The bigger things weren’t even on my radar.

People imagine that teen mums sit wistfully longing for all those things. It’s actually only now, 30+ years later that I look back and feel like I missed out on those things.

Not so much the age but the waiting, not that I’m not saying get pregnant in the 1st year of being together but if it’s going to break you it will so go into it willing to do it alone if needed.

yeah I am so happy for the ones who did make it work but statistically speaking relationships/marriages that start at age 18 or younger with kids are more likely to split up than someone who is 25. I mean it’s a serious decision who to have kids with and it makes sense to wait until you’re at least 21+ to make it even if you think you’ve fallen in love at age 16. And preferably a decision best made after having been out there in the world a little - study, travel, work.

It’s depressing seeing women age 25 left with 3 kids and struggling because they had zero work experience or decent qualifications before their first teen pregnancy.

If you come from a wealthy and /or generous supportive family it’s a lot easier as you have that cushioning and will get lots of help but not everyone has that.

So subsidised by parents by living at home. Not the same for youngsters who have to move out and support themselves even without kids

I have a very similar story. Met DH at 17, and had three kids by the time I was 25. We struggled but I waited until the youngest was in primary, and then I trained as a teacher having studied for my degree through Open Uni in the evenings.

By 32 I was working F/T, my kids had the benefit of me being at home for those first few years and I was able to have a good run at career progression without any mat leave gaps.

We're both early 40s and looking ahead to them all having left the family home in a few years time.

I'm sure everyone thought us mad, but it worked for us.

Most “youngsters” don’t move out before 18? Do they even move out at 18 ordinarily? Mumsnet is full of older teens at even children in their 20s living at home. I obviously paid rent.
but yeah, if course I was in a better position than if I had to move out (especially if I needed to move out because I had a child and partner to fit in too)

Yeah but if you meet the love of your life at age 16 and you don’t have kids until 25 I feel you’ve still had those 9 years to do things that’s important for young people to do without the limitations of being a parent. Yes you can do uni etc with a child but it’s just not the same experience.

As I said, I have friends who met young and they still did everything I did before their mid 20s (degree, placement abroad, travel, living with friends at uni ) despite being in a relationship with the now husbands. IMO they had the best of both worlds really!

Why rush straight from childhood to parenthood/marriage? If it happens yeah great deal with it - I am all for people making it work, but no I don’t think it’s ideal.

It worked out well for her despite the obstacles placed in her way . Maybe the circumstance her and her husband work harder and be committed to each other and they clearly both supported each other to make it work . What works for one womr work for all . But good on her for being a successful young mum .

I think 25 is the optimum age to be honest.

I had my first at 20, 2 by 25. Not with a good man. I’m now late 30s and am happy with my life, but it’s been a really difficult (almost) 20 years and it’s not a path I would recommend to anyone. The happiness I feel now is purely through gratitude for things most people would consider normal, because I went so long without them. The financial struggles are soul destroying, and it’s been isolating never having friends at the same life stage. I’m now looking forward to the things I’ll be able to do in my forties, but there are certain things I’ll probably never get to experience, like living abroad for example. I don’t regret it, because my kids are truly brilliant people, and if I’d waited they wouldn’t be them. And I wouldn’t be me. But I would not wish the life I’ve had up to now for someone else.

@Timeforachange26
After uni, went back home, I got a telesales job for 6 months, saved up. Went travelling for 7 months.
Came back home, applied for 'a job' in London, whilst also applying for 'career' jobs.
Got 'a job' quickly, moved into a house share.
Got my 'career job' about 10 months later.
Once I was being paid regularly, I could travel and go out more. I didn't have a lot of money but I made it count

You can't generalize from just one example. I'm sure there are plenty of people who've had children very young and then had unhappy or unfulfilled lives.

I don’t agree. I was born to a 17 year old Mum and she’s 50 now and caught up to most of her peers. In fact some of them will probably be jealous of her because they are still child rearing and bound by those responsibilities.

She tried her best but she simply could not provide the life for me as a teenage Mum that she would have been able to provide for me had she had me years later. Obviously there’s no guarantee you’ll be at a certain place in your life by 30 but I still remember her not eating because she couldn’t afford to feed us both.

I definitely did not have the same upbringing or experiences that the children of her friends who waited will have.

I kind of share your sentiment and was prompted to a similar reflection when talking to a friend not long ago. My boyfriend and I had an unexpected pregnancy when I was at university, married and went on to have more children. Now we are still young and our children are increasingly independent I received the comment of how lucky I was to be married with two teenage children by my age etc and all I could think to say back was "not the tune that was being sung when I shared the news back in university!" There was a lot of judgement all around so its funny to hear how now we are being seen as a success story. I guess because we are still together.

Such an interesting discussion but there's no right answer for everyone. I have people close to me who've done it both ways, early parenthood and last chance saloon, and I can see the ups and downs with both. Interestingly, both found it hard at the time of having kids but now look back and say it's the best way 😃

My sister had 3 kids young which meant finishing her education at A levels as she became pregnant unexpectedly and kept it. She never got her career started. She settled down with her partner and he did fairly ok for himself but they have struggled for money the whole way through. They can't afford holidays and she was quite sad watching me enjoy a gap year and a university experience that she felt she'd missed out on being young. I imagine the ideal age is probably around 25-30 maybe for a young family but even then it's so hard to have established a secure place to live by then.

For you, maybe.

But you really cant speak for everyone. I was nowhere near emotionally ready to be a parent at age 25. I was still enjoying being carefree in my 20s.

I had my first at age 31 and that seemed young to me as I was the first amongst my peers to have a baby