Fed up with ex working at my workplace

[OneGreyBiscuit]

For context - split with ex march 25, was told he would be working in my dept at work where I've worked for ten years as he'd applied for drivers job there. Understandably I wasn't happy but just asked if he could be kept off my shifts. This worked to begin with but lately he's been in on my shifts more and more. Im finding this really unfair and am still angry they took him on in the first place, knowing the history. The two in charge who took him on couldn't care less about how this would affect me, so I feel like I've got nowhere to go and have to accept this. Would anyone else feel the same?

I had to work directly with an ex for 3 years after he very painfully dumped me and made sure everyone knew I was dumped (rather than just saying 'we' decided to split).

I certainly didn't expect my employer to cater to my heartbreak. My manager knew and was understanding, but his job was to manage the office efficiently and see that we did our jobs. I was lucky that (unbeknownst to others in the office) I was given a 'quiet preference' by my manager when a position opened in another branch of my agency and transferred there with the explanation that 'it was closer to my residence'.

So I'm sorry and I understand your pain, but in these cases, barring DV being involved or the ex violating workplace standards in his behaviour towards you, if you don't want to work with him you'll have to find another job or request a transfer to another department or facility if that's possible.

You will get over this. By the time I got the transfer I really didn't give a shit about him anymore. But the boss didn't know that so I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. It cut my commute in half.

Its nice that your manager was understanding. My manager blatantly favours the driver's so that didn't help either.

Gosh I agree, who would do that at work! The OP would get a complaint from her ex.

It doesn’t matter, that’s the point, no matter how senior or well regarded you don’t get to decide hiring and shift patterns due to your personal life.

I threw my teddies out of the pram and said I would only work until 2

You might want to be careful there ...

but when I thought about it I thought why the hell should I lose an hours pay because of him, so I stayed til 3

Probably for the best.

How is he conniving and sneaky to tell them his son works there, when his son does in fact work there?

Or was that a lie and he's actually left?

Yes, it was nice. But the fact is, nice or otherwise, a manager can't fire your ex or (I assume) reassign him simply because it's painful for you. I'm not denying your pain! Just that your manager doesn't have to do anything to ease it. And it did take 3 years before was able to transfer me. Until then I saw my ex every day 8 hours a day and had to work directly with him all day. If your ex is a driver, hopefully he's gone on part of the day on deliveries or whatever.

I don't know exactly what you mean by your manager 'favouring' the drivers. Are you a driver and he gives your ex better routes than you? Obviously if your ex harasses you then you should complain, but him just 'being there' in the office/warehouse isn't wrong. My ex would 'too loudly' speak about who he was dating when he knew I would overhear. Why he had to do that I have no idea since he dumped me but there was nothing to be done about it. I just had to learn to tune him out.

You will get over this. But the first step is letting go of emotions that aren't hurting him but are hurting you.

I don't agree that it's absolutely nothing to do with your employer, because I have had employers where some relationships were prohibited, (e.g. different levels in the same reporting line,) and I would at least have to report this relationship (being an ex) to my current employer. However, your employer is aware.

How much do you actually have to work with him? Do you need to speak to him, hand over work to him or receive work from him? I am assuming that if there's a canteen and shifts, it's not a tiny workplace.

It might be that there is little practical option over his shifts - I am involved in organising rotas at work, and if we have people off sick or on leave, there's very little room for flexibility. Also, if he's been there about a year and no problems have come up, such as you openly disagreeing with each other in the workplace, they're probably thinking it isn't a problem any more.

Make it not a problem. Don't worry about when he's on shift - just do your job. Say nothing to him other than what is required for the job. We all have to work with people we don't like at points in our careers - just be adult, polite and professional, nothing more, nothing less. If he taunts you or anything, then you can go to HR for harassment- in which case it will be important to be able to show you haven't put a step wrong, not wound him up in return. He might have applied just to rile you - don't let him. He's not worth the headspace. If he did join to annoy you, rising above it and behaving serenely as if you don't care will probably be the best way to get back at him.

If you want to stay, you need to find acceptance of the situation- otherwise, your only option will be to leave.

Do go for CMS (you know he's earning.)

@EBearhug

"Make it not a problem."

I really like that saying! It empowers us to do what we can to either fix the situation or adapt to it with coping techniques if we can't.

I'm going to remember it!!

I've decided to not say anymore on the matter. The more I moan to them the more they'll see me as a problem and want rid of me and he's not having the satisfaction! In the nearly 11 years of being there I've never asked a manager for a private word though so it's not like I make a habit of it.

I don't agree that it's absolutely nothing to do with your employer, because I have had employers where some relationships were prohibited, (e.g. different levels in the same reporting line,) and I would at least have to report this relationship (being an ex) to my current employer. However, your employer is aware.

That's company policy though. Not employment law.

The quickest way to get rid of him is to lodge a claim for maintenance. If he’s that much of a deadbeat, he’ll make himself unemployed rather than pay you, and then problem solved. You don’t lose anything he’s previously been paying you and you don’t have to see him. And if he does start paying, then paint your nails and ask your colleagues in his hearing if they like your new nails. His little head will explode.

I would apply for maintenance, it could be the thing that makes him leave if he has to fork out a good chunk of his wage, it’s definitely worth pursuing, I know it’s a shit position but just do your job and ignore him, that will piss him off if he thinks you’re not bothered and why should you leave? Good Luck x

I would just be very careful about the allegations you are making.

Some of that could land you in a misconduct investigation.

You are coming across as extremely immature & manipulative.

I'm a supermarket manager & your workplace sounds very similar.

I would recommend you have a long hard look at how you are behaving as some of that could be seen as bullying & harassment. At the very least it's very unprofessional. Your personal relationships need to stay out of your professional ones.

I think you need to be careful at work as even if he did only go for the job to spite you, the company can't sack him or necessarily change his hours just to suit you.
The more fuss you make the more attention you are drawing to yourself. If he is getting on with his role in the company just fine, and you are actually falling behind/less productive then eyes will be on you. Also moaning to a manager could be viewed negatively - be careful who you speak to as things could be reported back and you could be the one questioned about your attitude.

That's true, but many employers do care.

(Mostly to protect themselves rather than thir employees.)

Find another job. It will take a while but if you don’t start, you’ll never find one.

I’d…… find another job. No I wouldn’t expect my employer to give my private life any weight in their hiring process. His child maintenance issues …. Also not a hiring managers issue.

If you do not like the situation you are the one who needs to go.

OP you need to learn to react differently to this situation now, work with it not against it. You say he got the job due to your ds working there .. well, fine, your ds got the job because you work there, so it’s no different. You sound really bitter, and I get it, but you can’t let it take over your life. Take back control, hold your head up high, take him to cms, let him do his shit at work, rise above it as that’s what will affect him most - when he realises you’re not bothered, he’ll soon move on.

And yet you are willing to act unprofessionally and, yes, immaturely. Ranting to a "new" manager to get your 'side' in and deciding that if 'he's there' you're not working your full shift.
It is becoming clearer that this is a YOU problem and your inability to put your head down and do your job is going to end up costing you because of this fixation you have that he's working to spite you somehow.
If you are going around ranting and complaining and questioning everyone about things that are really none of your business (ie. what he said in his interview, his delivery details etc) it really won't end well for you.
Rather than deciding to be the victim here, be proactive and look for a job where you feel valued and can start fresh without all the drama this seems to create 🤷‍♀️

On what you've quoted me on, I was told about him sitting in the canteen and his messed up delivery. I had a rant about him being kept off my shifts and he has also mentioned me in a meeting, but that's ok though? And I did stay until 3 in the end, so what have I done that's misconduct exactly??

And you already know the answer.

Employers generally seek to protect themselves/the business first and foremost.

If you are being vocal about your feelings about him (especially if he is not reciprocating with negative comments about you), you run the risk of being seen as volatile and problematic.

People go to work to do their jobs. The managers have a lot to contend with and generally won't be too accommodating of people they see as being troublemakers. No one really wants you go to work amd listen to you rant about your ex. They want to do their job and go home so you're potentially putting other people in a difficult and uncomfortable position too.

Your ex is a problem for you privately and in your personal life but if you bring it in to work, that makes you the problem for them.

I, and a couple of other posters, have given suggestions about how you can reframe it or change your behaviours so that his presence there becomes less significant for you. Have you read those amd taken them on board?

Ultimately, this is a feelings issue and it is your responsibility to mange your feelings around an uncomfortable situation unless he is actually targeting you at work.

You should also ignore suggestions from people who have suggested you make it known what a loser he is. That could very quickly backfire.

You could find yourself on the wrong end of a disciplinary for bullying and harassment.

This is the definition of workplace bullying my employer uses (large supermarket)

'offensive, intimidating, malicious, or insulting behavior, or an abuse or misuse of power that intends to or results in undermining, humiliating, or harming an individual'

Trying to manipulate which shifts someone works, insulting their work, trying to turn other people against them, being malicious, bitching, gossiping etc are all things you are doing which meet the definition of workplace bullying.

I would certainly deal with that if I had someone in my team behaving like that.

I haven't insulted his work at all, I was told about his cock up yesterday by another staff member, I don't need to turn people against him, he's already proved his unpopularity amongst his fellow workers by not helping and saying it's not his job, and everyone bitches and gossips about others where i work. I suppose you agree with the fact he was sat in the canteen for 40 minutes doing nothing and getting paid for it as well? I thought my manager was bad but maybe he's not after all.