Fed up with ex working at my workplace

[OneGreyBiscuit]

For context - split with ex march 25, was told he would be working in my dept at work where I've worked for ten years as he'd applied for drivers job there. Understandably I wasn't happy but just asked if he could be kept off my shifts. This worked to begin with but lately he's been in on my shifts more and more. Im finding this really unfair and am still angry they took him on in the first place, knowing the history. The two in charge who took him on couldn't care less about how this would affect me, so I feel like I've got nowhere to go and have to accept this. Would anyone else feel the same?

I would hate that and would look for a new job.

He has clearly done this to do your head in @OneGreyBiscuit

So you can let him continue to affect you or face it out

Stop looking at driver shifts until you need to
Look through him - he’s just a new driver you don’t like much at work

I understand it affects you

But you can’t let it show

Tell people the basic truth if they ask (regarding child maintenance)
or apply to CMS - you know his employers now

Shut him down if he tries to speak to you about anything but work

He’s a knuckle dragger grunt male who doesn’t even pay for his child
He really isn’t worth a moment of your mental energy

I wouldn’t well I might your employers clearly don’t give a hoot either.

I would be looking great, going fuck you (silently) you utter prick.

Grey rocking as much as possible under professional boundaries.

I'd absolutely hate this too OP and I totally understand your discomfort.

But as previous posters have said, this isn't your employers problem to solve. They don't care about your history with him, as long as the work gets done.

He's a twat and has clearly done this to upset you - but he can also see that its working, why would he leave when he's getting the exact reaction he wants?

Go through CMS and get maintenance for your son, and otherwise completely ignore him. Literally act like he isn't there at all. I think that will bother him more, and eventually he'll get bored and hopefully leave

They're bound by employment law, and unfortunately your personal feelings don't come into that.

Did your ex take this job to get at you?

You said he pays zero maintenance, well now you know exactly how much he is working then you can make a CMS claim.

I think you're confusing the issue- of course most reasonable people would find it crappy and likely deliberate he chose there to work. What most of us are saying is that your employer doesn't have to not employ someone because of your previous relationship.

You're confusing things. He is a deadbeat, but it isn't up to your employer to manage or even care about. That's life.

So he's a driver, what's your job? How are you on the same shifts?

There’s nothing your employer can or should do about the fact you used to be in a relationship. But there are things you can do.

If he’s dodging maintenance then apply to CMS and ask for an attachment of earnings so it’s taken from his salary. If he really is a deadbeat dad then he’ll likely resign. You won’t see him but you’ll still have the problem of no maintenance. Or he’ll stay and you’ll get some money to support your DC which should help you to feel at least a little better.

I wonder if you do claim CMS he will leave the job anyway?

You need to look for another job, if it's making you stressed and anxious. They've already shown you that they have no loyalty. Why stay? Take the higher ground and release yourself from all this tension.

I wouldn’t leave as there is every chance he might follow you to your new place of employment if that is how he is getting his kicks. I would also refuse to be driven out from my place of employment of 10 years if I were otherwise happy there. I would do a combination of grey rock and refusing to speak about any non-work matters - ideally avoid speaking to him at all if possible. I’d try to reframe it in my head to consider just how sad a case he is that he has so little going on in his life that he will rearrange his life just to focus of trying to be a problem to his ex. Tell yourself he doesn’t matter for long enough and one day you’ll believe it.
Keep an eye out for any unprofessional behaviour you can report (this type always let themselves down eventually) and do follow up on CMS.

I mean this gently OP, but this is why you should never bring your whole self to work .....

So you wanted them to reject a qualified applicant for the job because he is an ex?

I totally understand your discomfort but you are asking your employer to review job applications for personal lives which isn't realistic.

Choices at this point are accept it or move job.

I’d pursue the CMS angle. Probably the quickest way to get him to leave his job.

Is he causing trouble in your department ? Intimidating you? If so you could make a case for harassment. As for him not paying child support thats not down your employers. You need to get onto CMS to force him to cough up

Presumably, those people are your friends and family and not your employer though. They are going to agree and empathise with you because that's partly their role in your life.

If it's colleagues, they don't actually care either way but a bit of workplace drama helps to make the day more interesting for them.

People who are suggesting you get a new job are just pointing out that you are the only factor you can control in this scenario. Another option would be to stop checking the rota to see if he is in at the same time as you.

Do you actually have to cross paths/interact when he is also working?

At the moment, this has become an unhealthy coping mechanism you have developed as a way of self soothing in an uncomfortable situation. But it has also become a habit. So even on the shifts he is not also working, he is at the forefront of your mind. He is there is everything you do.

It will be a huge effort to begin with to break that habit but if you work in the shop and he is a delivery driver (I'm assuming a supermarket or something?), will your paths even be crossing that often. Or is it more that mostly what happens on the days you know he is in is that you are angry he is also working that day But it doesn't actually impact on how much time you do or don't spend together. Or how much you have to interact?

Yanbu to wish that he didn’t work there but Yabu to think that your employer shouldn’t have hired him because he’s your ex. Unless your employer is your parents or something, hiring around relationship breakups is far too complicated and a lawsuit in waiting. Your friends are rightly sympathizing with you as most people don’t want to see their ex at work. They probably aren’t thinking that your employer should accommodate it. It is unlucky that get picked him over another candidate - your friends will rightly sympathise over that. Is it the sort of driving job that is easy for a normal car driver to do or is it a more technical one involving HGVs etc? Maybe there weren’t many applicants? My local supermarket is constantly advertising for delivery drivers so I suspect that people get a job quickly there.

People are saying that you need a new job because you can’t force your employer or ex to
change their behaviour but you have control over yours. Is it the sort of employer where there’s say day and night shifts and you could do the night shift as there aren’t any drivers?

And this.

A quick google AI search which could be useless and false advice but something to look into perhaps:

Workplace Risks & Legal Considerations

• Duty of Care: Under the Health and Safety at Work etc. Act 1974, you have a legal obligation to protect your employees' mental and physical health. Knowingly introducing a source of severe emotional distress or trauma into an employee's immediate environment could breach this duty.
• Constructive Dismissal: If the established employee feels forced to resign because the workplace has become intolerable or unsafe due to this hire, they could potentially claim constructive dismissal at an Employment Tribunal.
• Team Disruption: Personal drama, manipulation, or intense friction between the two individuals will inevitably spill over into team dynamics, tanking productivity and morale.

Strategic Framework for Decision Making Consider these options depending on how far along you are in the recruitment process: Scenario / OptionStrategic ApproachKey Consideration If you haven't hired them yet Evaluate objectively against rigorous professional and behavioral standards. Ensure rejection is based on merit, skills, or lack of cultural fit, rather than marital/relationship status alone. If you must hire them (or already have) Implement strict operational separation. Move them to different teams, shifts, or reporting lines so they have zero daily contact or cross-over. Establish behavioral boundaries Enforce a zero-tolerance policy for personal drama. Clarify during onboarding that personal conflicts must stay outside the business, and any workplace manipulation will trigger disciplinary action. Recommended Next Steps

1. Consult HR Immediately: Document the situation confidentially. HR can help you navigate the hiring process without triggering discrimination claims (e.g., ensuring you don't unlawfully discriminate based on marital status) while protecting the business.
2. Speak with the Current Employee: Check in with your established employee to understand their perspective. Validate their concerns, gauge the potential impact on their well-being, and discuss what internal safeguards (like team separation) would make them feel supported.
3. Prioritize Behavioral Assessments: If the candidate is still interviewing, lean heavily on behavioral and situational interview questions. Ask how they handle conflict, teamwork, and professional boundaries to assess their actual fit for your workplace culture.

I imagine he may have got a job there originally to be a dick, but if hes been there 2 years it must have gone beyond that now.

The maintenance is another issue of course, are you onto CMS (I am in a similar situation so know how shit they can be) If direct pay and collect and pay hasnt worked, can you suggest deduction of earnings?

Of course you hate seeing him, I wouldnt be jumping with joy either, but sadly your options are to leave or to put up with it, its already been done now.

I've never worked anywhere where my opinion would have had any impact on a hiring decision. All of my employers would have thought I was massively overstepping my role to even expect to have any imput.

In your shoes, I would just start job hunting. Not for them. Or for your ex. But for your own peace of mind.

In life, the only person we can change is ourselves. It makes life a lot easier if we just accept this. It also takes power away from those that would really like to hurt us.

This: great he’s working and he can pay CMS. By the sounds of it he’s done it to fuck with you. Cool, give him zero reaction or satisfaction. Be polite, give him no ammunition or drama to feed off. Literally give him zero head space both in work and outside work. As someone else said: he’s a new driver at work you don’t like. End of

He’a started the actual job -great! The quicker he can quit or be sacked. If he’s a deadbeat he won’t go the distance anyway. Fingers crossed he’s gone by Christmas