Aibu to think this household bill split isn’t fair? Can someone suggest a better way?

[Namechangedforthisagain123]

Can somebody go through this income split with me please? It’s between dp and me. I really don’t feel like it’s fair but whenever I try and bring it up we go around in circles and end up arguing. If anyone is particularly mathematically minded could they suggest a fairer split? Numbers are approximate as I’m worried about it being outing.

So income, mine is higher. Monthly around £3000. His monthly income works out to be around £1350. It can be more as his hours change on a weekly basis but it’s never really lower than that. He is also paid weekly which often factors into our arguments. Apparently it’s harder to budget in bills when it’s weekly and not paid in one lump sum.

There are four children, two of which have disabilities. One is severely impaired and will never live independently. Specialist school, can’t communicate, still in nappies at 8, you get the idea. All children are under 10. Only one child is dp’s. The other three are my children from my previous marriage.

We rent, the house is in my name but dp is listed as an occupant here. He pays no money towards the rent so that cost is totally on me. Currently he pays £340 towards the bills. This is half of the electricity/gas, water, council tax, car finance, insurance and vehicle tax.

This is where I struggle. That £340 isn’t touching the sides. I’m left paying all the rent, the other half of the above listed bills, all food shops (really not cheap for 6! Disabilities mean there’s a lot of branded food due to sensory issues and very restricted diets). Food shops are regularly over £230 a week. Then there’s internet, Netflix/amazon prime/disney+, tv licensing, kids swimming, holidays, kids clothing/transport to therapies, fuel for the car, pet food and vet bills. Just general life costs. I’ve also got some credit cards that I’m paying down but I know that’s on me to clear.

Dp will pick up some bits from the shop if we’ve ran out or I’ve forgotten something but he’s started complaining about that and expecting to be reimbursed. He will put in enough fuel for whatever he’s using the car for but if I need to go anywhere or want him to take me anywhere it’s expected I’ll pay it. I don’t drive. I’m just sick of stressing about money. He seems to think I’m paid more than enough to cover all costs. Trying to talk to him about it results in him throwing a toddler tantrum where he proclaims ‘fine, I won’t have anything and be miserable’. I’ve told him that this bill split isn’t fair. The problem is I don’t know what is fair. I know half of all bills isn’t fair either but this really doesn’t feel in any way equal.

Who’s reasonable here? If you genuinely agree with dp I’ll accept that. I’m just trying to work out a way that’s fair.

If you don't drive then he needs to run his own car. None of those costs should be down to you. And of course he should still give you the occasional lift.

On the rest of it, you seem to be responsible for 4.5 of the 6 people living there and he's responsible for 1.5, so I'd probably split it on that basis to be honest. Usually I'd say adults drive more of the food bill, but it sounds as though your child's sensory needs drive a lot of cost. Also, I'd probably just put an online shop in for delivery every week and not include all the crappy snacks.

And if he whinges or says he's not buying you birthday presents as a result, just dump him. He sounds awful.

I work part time due to major health issues and I contribute a lot more than your partner despite earning less. We're a team and shared expenses come first. We have an equitable split of bills and I can't believe he's moaning about it!
He should be doing more at home too...how is this at all fair?

If resentment sets in you'll just end up seeing him as another child you're mothering who has yet to join the real world.

Has his lack of contribution impacted your relationship with him? He is taking the mick.

Having a fourth child with a new man on a low income was a bold choice, given the circumstances you were already in with a very high needs child.

You make up 4.5 of the household, he makes up 1.5 of the household. He shouldn’t be paying for the extortionate food shop, but should contribute to cover himself and your joint child, and the bills will be higher due to your kids so I’d say paying half the bills is generous. He needs to pay some rent, but that’s about it.

The holiday - you pay 4.5 and he pays 1.5 as long as he was involved in the decision and budgeting of it. He also needs to pay towards half the clothing and activity costs for your joint child.

If a woman moved in with a man with 3 kids, she’d be told not to put all her money towards paying for his kids.

Where are people getting £4135 from? Do you earn £3000 or £3000 more than him? If you earn £3000 then he earns 45% of what you earn. Since three of the children are only there 50% if the time and him and your shared child are there 100% of the time so I presume they eat more of the food, use more of the electric etc. However, the larger home and CT is needed due to your extra children so I'd expect he'd see it as fair that you pay more. Also because you earn just over double. I would say if you two really love each other, you shouldn't have to ask strangers to sort this out though and perhaps, I suggest gently, that there are deeper issues between you two. How strong is your bond?

Put him in the bin, seriously! This is so unattractive. How do you share a bed with him, it would make me feel unwell.

He's earning less than minimum wage in a job with unpredictable hours, maybe he should apply for something else? He doesn't even sound like a good partner if he won't talk about paying more towards bills than an average adult child would pay their parents in rent.... its less than £100 a week its not even half the food shop and I bet he eats more than his fair share! So hes basically living with you without paying a single bill.

Unless he has a magic cock, I'd kick him out, you'd at least get a council tax reduction and with even a pitiful CM payment you'd probably be better off without paying for all his extras. (You'd probably be entitled to a bit of universal credit too as £3000 less DLA for your youngest is no where near enough for 4 kids including a child with a disability) He's not grown up enough to play house. He's acting like a bloody teenager.

What a mean loser.
Tell him go home to mummy and do 50/50 with him.
You will be far better off.
What a waster.
How can you find an adult living off you attractive?
You need to wake up to exactly what you have living off you.

I’d look at it another way. What would DP be paying for bills and rent if he paid for a flat for him and his DC? Or even a 1 bed flat? Sounds like he is not contributing enough for his share.

My DH and I have a similar split in reverse, him £3000 a month and me £1200- £1500 after the costs of running my business. I pay for my own car, (we have 2) half the food, netflix, tv lisence and half all holidays. We don't have joint accounts- easier because I run a business. I also cover house insurance and wifi. I would expect your DP to be picking up a bill in full, like the car and car insurance and half the food. Its very unfair that he has approx £1k left at the end of the month! £300 for his own spends is enough.

Why shouldn't he? She's literally said he adds things to the trolley willy nilly with no thought to the cost and it's all junk food snacks.

@Namechangedforthisagain123

Wtf is he spending £1000 a month on himself on???

Just dump this loser, he’s a total waste of space.

TBH it sounds like you’d save more than £340 a month if he left…

You are paying this loser to live with you, OP. You'd be much better off without him, both financially and in every other way.

If you say the rest is OPs cost how is that fair to her DP? If he pays the amount you say he should, the remaining cost of household bills is £498.50, so you think OP should contribute that and then pay for fuel and the extras? She earns almost 3 times more than him so why is he paying more in your calculations?
Your working out is all wrong. If you’re doing it based on what each person costs then surely you’d take the amount of the household bills etc then divide that by 6… not use their combined income and divide that by 6?

I’d say £500 tbh. You have a lot more income than he does and you have four children he only has one. Obviously one of your four children is his so he should share the cost of that child but you have three children to solely provide for so you should be paying more than him

OP got her own sums wrong. It now tally’s £2500 per month plus clothes and holiday payments on top. Basically OP is saying she has no money left at the end of the month.

The only fair way to do this is the way I suggested.

Joint account. Partner puts in £252.91 pw and OP puts in £2737.50 pm. They are both left with an equal amount of £262.50 to spend as they wish. Some months the partner will have more if he earns more than £1350. The extra should be split between the two of them.

If you dont drive and he's expecting you to pay when you need a lift why are you paying anything else towards the car? If he expects "taxi" payment i wouldn't be paying for his car payment, insurance etc. Me and my ex had our own cars and didn't pay anything towards the others, we split every other bill 50/50 ish

@Namechangedforthisagain123 presently your DP is freeloading. He has at least £900 to himself every month. That’s not normal for someone with bills and a kid especially when only earning £1350.

I’ve made my suggestion further up. He should be paying £1087 pm and you should be paying £2737. Leaving roughly £262 each for yourselves.

I would get rid of him if he doesn’t cough up!

You are not in the wrong but it also appears you had a kid with a manchild. Best of luck.

He is paying nowhere near a reasonable amount even on his low income. I'd be re-thinking this relationship.

Not when you count the large food shop bill though and other DC costs - clothes etc including their joint child. £1580 (I think it was?) is just basic bills. Apologies OP if I’ve misremembered that. And her income includes DLA which is technically for the disabled DC. He’s left with at least £1000 clear based on his minimum monthly income (some months more) after food for one person.

ETA so if they did the “equal spends” route it would have to be based on all costs coming from the joint pot before personal spending was factored in. I’m not saying that’s the right approach, it’s a complex one.