Aibu to think this household bill split isn’t fair? Can someone suggest a better way?

[Namechangedforthisagain123]

Can somebody go through this income split with me please? It’s between dp and me. I really don’t feel like it’s fair but whenever I try and bring it up we go around in circles and end up arguing. If anyone is particularly mathematically minded could they suggest a fairer split? Numbers are approximate as I’m worried about it being outing.

So income, mine is higher. Monthly around £3000. His monthly income works out to be around £1350. It can be more as his hours change on a weekly basis but it’s never really lower than that. He is also paid weekly which often factors into our arguments. Apparently it’s harder to budget in bills when it’s weekly and not paid in one lump sum.

There are four children, two of which have disabilities. One is severely impaired and will never live independently. Specialist school, can’t communicate, still in nappies at 8, you get the idea. All children are under 10. Only one child is dp’s. The other three are my children from my previous marriage.

We rent, the house is in my name but dp is listed as an occupant here. He pays no money towards the rent so that cost is totally on me. Currently he pays £340 towards the bills. This is half of the electricity/gas, water, council tax, car finance, insurance and vehicle tax.

This is where I struggle. That £340 isn’t touching the sides. I’m left paying all the rent, the other half of the above listed bills, all food shops (really not cheap for 6! Disabilities mean there’s a lot of branded food due to sensory issues and very restricted diets). Food shops are regularly over £230 a week. Then there’s internet, Netflix/amazon prime/disney+, tv licensing, kids swimming, holidays, kids clothing/transport to therapies, fuel for the car, pet food and vet bills. Just general life costs. I’ve also got some credit cards that I’m paying down but I know that’s on me to clear.

Dp will pick up some bits from the shop if we’ve ran out or I’ve forgotten something but he’s started complaining about that and expecting to be reimbursed. He will put in enough fuel for whatever he’s using the car for but if I need to go anywhere or want him to take me anywhere it’s expected I’ll pay it. I don’t drive. I’m just sick of stressing about money. He seems to think I’m paid more than enough to cover all costs. Trying to talk to him about it results in him throwing a toddler tantrum where he proclaims ‘fine, I won’t have anything and be miserable’. I’ve told him that this bill split isn’t fair. The problem is I don’t know what is fair. I know half of all bills isn’t fair either but this really doesn’t feel in any way equal.

Who’s reasonable here? If you genuinely agree with dp I’ll accept that. I’m just trying to work out a way that’s fair.

340 per month isnt enough to cover him and his child. Both of your income shoukd be pooled where bills come out first and then equal access to whatever remains. It doesnt sound like you are a real couple though so he woukd be better to leave and pay his own rent and bills instead of cock lodging off you.

Or ask for his most recent p60 if he's been there for more than a year...

Over the long term your DP is in a vulnerable position financially. The house is yours and he has no rights over it. You could ask him to leave any time and he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Your financial split is made complex by the fact you have more children than him.

sounds like he has sleep-walked into this vulnerable situation. The loser in this is his child. One could judge him harshly for that, but that's kicking him when he's down so I won't.

I get that they arent his kids, but why did he move in with her and them if he doesnt see them as a family? Even then, if he moved out, he would have to pay all the rent, unitilities and food bills on his own. 300 doesnt touch the sides of any of that and he knows it.

@Namechangedforthisagain123Was money an issue before you decided to have a baby with him?

Hold on, so you pay the rent and a portion of car cost? A car that’s not yours? He should be paying some rent if he wants you to cover his car.

You don’t need a ‘fair split’. You need to kick the leeching bastard into touch & out of the house.

this man is bringing absolutely nothing to your life. Get rid

I don’t think it even matters what the calculation is. The fact is that your ‘partner’ thinks that £340 a month is enough to pay for even a roof over his head is comical. He’s a cock lodger. I have one by the way and they’re not easy to get rid of. I suspect that if you ask him to leave he will say no. He couldn’t even get a room in a house for that.

He should be contributing at least £600 a month. Tell him that's how it's going to be from now on, and if it doesn't suit him he can leave and see how he gets on trying to live alone on that. And remind him that he's not "giving you" anything: he's paying his fair share for the house he lives in, the food he eats, the utilities he uses and the child he fathered. And that a mummy who supports him forever and also fucks him is...not a thing.

You need a complete reset. He sounds like a petulant teenager saying he's "giving you" the money. He doesn't sound like a functional adult at all. He's not giving YOU anything! Its called existing. As has been suggested all income needs to go into one central pot then spends divvied up after all other expenses have been covered.

I think sit down with a spreadsheet and show him all the costs.

if he doesn’t agree to up his co tribute on he can leave - you won’t be wise off as all his food costs etc will go and you can then claim maintenance. Msybe he just doesn’t appreciate how much running a hiysrhokd costs having never done it before so seeing it in black and white makes it real. If he won’t discuss it then he’s not the partner for you xx

if he doesn’t agree to stay I’d start neal planning and do a weekly online shop - tgst will stop him adding all the littke extras into the trolley.

He’s not bringing much to the table, personally I would suggest that he move back to his mother’s house and pay maintenance for his child….
He shouldn’t contribute towards your other children and it sounds like you have a good system in place with their Dad
He should be contributing towards gas, electric, whatever the extra adult costs on a council tax bill, water, tv packages if you any, food shops, car insurance, not, tax, fuel etc
How much would it cost him to rent a one bed studio in your area just out of interest?

Is he not embarrassed to contribute roughly £11/day to keep him and his child fed, housed, transported, holidayed, and clothed?

And are you not embarrassed that you’ve funnelled money away from the three children you already had, to subsidise a penis with a man attached?

OP - like your partner, I have a job where the monthly amount varies. We do our budget incl individual spends based on my guaranteed minimum and it's proportionate. Anything extra goes towards non-essential family expenses, like holidays, which can be paid off as and when, and we cut our cloth according to how much there is. He can contribute in this way too, don't ignore the times when there is extra income.

According to the CMS calculator, if you split and even if he had his child a couple of nights a week, he’d be paying you about £200/month. You, and your children, would actually be better off because there’s no way housing and feeding him is costing you less than £32/week so you wouldn’t miss his current £340/month contribution.

I think he should be paying 750 a month, That covers rent, food other bills, but he covers his own petrol and personal expenses. You do realise you have another child in the house, fuck that now. Send him home and get maintenance for your shared child

Hi @Namechangedforthisagain123

I dont understand why you ever let him pay so little- it is quite obviously unfair.

So he earns around £1500, pays you about £350, so is left with around £1150 a month for himself!

You're probably left with about 50p ...

Why isn't he paying for food? For the holiday next year? For clothes and other things for his baby? He "thought he didn't have to "pay for anything for the baby" - why?!!

OP, you need to write down absolutely everything that is spent in the house - rent, utilities, fuel, food, holidays, clothes etc for baby - everything.

Figure out a way to split bills, perhaps using the formula pp worked out - 1 + .5 + 1.5 =3 for you, and 1.5 for him.

Talk it through with him, and explain that from now on he has to start paying his way... or maybe he should go back to mama.

Using your figures above, the monthly spend is about £2600. (did that include the holiday payments?).
So his 1.5 share is about £866.
(£2600 ÷ 4.5 = £577 × 1.5).
Your share is around £1733.

Yes you're left with around £1300, and he's left with around £500, but that's because you earn more than him to start with. That doesn't mean you have to pay for everything.
Maybe he needs to work a few more hours (why doesn't he work full time?), or look for a different job.
And you could pay for a meal out sometimes, for example...

Honestly OP, if you chucked him out you'd get a reduction in your council tax, he'd have to pay you maintenance (though that wouldn't be too much) and you also wouldn't have to deal with his ridiculous teenage style food shop wastes of money........I'm not convinced you'd be that much worse off without him there- but you'd feel better in yourself as you wouldn't be carrying another adult!

He will either find life significantly more expensive or be forced to live with Mummy again.......let him try it and see how he gets on!

He should be contributing to the household - he is one of the ‘responsible’ adults in the household and his contribution does not cover 50% of his costs, nor 50% of the costs of his child.

Also, 1.5 + 5.5 is not 6.

My DH earns slightly more than I do so the fairest way we could see to do it was to each put in the same % of our income to a joint account to cover household bills (around 50% of our individual salaries). We each pay for our own car, petrol, insurance etc.

50% on living expenses is reasonable and average - your partner would still have 50% of his income to save or spend.

Kick him the fuck out, get your sensible head on and look after yourself first! He is absolutely taking the poss out of you and he is totally laughing. He has seen you coming and is doing a proper number on you. Please please leave him unless he puts ALL HIS MONEY in the pot and then gets half of what is left once EVERTHING is paid. He won’t agree with this which means he doesn’t give a shit about being fair. Get him out.

All of this is ridiculous but especially the car...if you do not drive why are you paying car finance/insurance and fuel? That is exclusively HIS to pay. What is he spending his 1000? If he keeps throwing toddler tantrums tell him to move out, good luck finding somewhere for 350!

Honestly, just break up. He knows one of your children will need help for the rest of their life, and instead of helping his partner put money aside for that childs future, he is demanding you use all your money to make his life more comfortable. It doesn't matter if he says he loves you, or that your youngest is his, his actions prove that he doesn't care about you at all.

Honestly, I'm struggling to understand what you see in him, you'd be better off, financially, as a single parent (amd probably emotionally as you wouldn't have the stress and growing resentment of him!)

The last para of this post @Namechangedforthisagain123 ! You are basically keeping him as a pet, and not a great one at that- he costs you money and stress and whinges at you.

Id give him one chance, sit him down with the bills and explain it’s mad he thinks he should be able to live without paying any rent and if he doesn’t get it and adjust his attitude out he goes and straight to CMS for you.