Husband forcing his son to hug me causing tension?

[Freezingupnorth]

I’ve been arguing with my husband for loads of different reasons and we’re basically at a crisis point. We’ve never argued in front of his child (boy,6), but he probably senses we’re not as close as we used to be. Me and my husband went to bed without speaking after an argument because I spent the day watching my series in bed because I’ve been feeling anxious and depressed. His little boy was here so he thought this was selfish.

He kept his little boy up until 10 last night even though he knew I was struggling and wanted some support. I sat with them otherwise it would’ve caused tension. I said to him quite calmly I’m happy to do movie nights but can we start them earlier so bedtime isn’t moved so late? He started shouting at me saying I didn’t want to spend time with his son, that he never gets a day off and is exhausted. I said if you’re exhausted why did you make bedtime later? He said cus I wanted to and I will, if you don’t like it, go to ‘your’ room.

This morning I walked into the living room and they were on the couch laying down together watching a film. His little boys not done anything wrong and he’s just a child, so I said a breezy “good morning” to which he responded. Husband then told him to give me a hug, he refused. Husband kept pushing him to do it saying he wasn’t being kind, wasn’t going to finish the film… ffs? He’s 6? I think it’s wrong to make a child hug anyone.

His little boy starts crying. I say to my husband “me being here’s caused an atmosphere, I’m going to my room”

Aibu?

hrt patches helped my panic attacks - have a blood test to see if needed you may be happier single

stopping the film was an extreme punishment for not hugging , hugs should never be forced

Did that make you feel better?

This is very true. Mental health issues are incredibly complex and difficult to overcome.

However, no matter what issues the adults are going through it's no excuse for a little 6 year old boy to be caught in the cross fire.

Being completely honest, if I was the boys mother I would not be happy for him to be spending so much time in this environment, it's very dysfunctional. I can't help but wonder if she knows the full extent of the issues and the impact it could be having on the child.

This. I agree a child shouldn't hug if thru feel uncomfortable but your partner is probably overly anxious for his son to get on with you.

Op has known the boy 4yrs.

One refusal to hug won't ruin the relationship!

Op if you're still reading, look after yourself & have a good think about how your husband really makes you feel.

Don’t put that on OP. Her only concern should be herself right now. I’m sure the boy is fine and it’s his dad’s job to make sure he is. His dad needs to sort his behaviour out. OP has done nothing wrong other than to not centre herself enough.

Your husband clearly expects childcare from you, like lots of men who marry quickly with children and have 50/50.

He is abusive to both you and that poor little boy.

You are not well and need to see can you stay with family or friends.

Your marriage is toxic because he expects you to parent his child.
Do not have children with him.

Is this a relationship that you really want to waste your life away with?

Your primary function is childcare and hence he is nasty when you withdraw it.

Time to wake up.

Literally shit for brains

Please ignore the spiteful, ableist judgemental horrible horrible unnecessary responses you have received here. No doubt the same brigade with "be kind" on thier profiles. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm sorry you are struggling and your partners behaviour is unacceptable. I imagine recovery is difficult for you in the environment. No one should make a child hug anyone.

She’s ill, she’s seeing a psychiatrist, what else do you expect her to do?
OPs husband should be able to solo parent for a day and tell the child that OP is poorly so needs to stay in bed today. OPs husband is the one in the wrong IMO, telling the child to hug her is just weird.

Your SS really does not need all this drama and awfulness in his life. It's not his fault you have MH problems. It's not his fault his father is an asshole. Yet he's on the receiving end from both of you.

Is the mother aware of just how bad it is in your home? If I was her, I would be trying to reduce contact with the pair of you. It must be miserable for the poor lad.

I’ve done what to SS?

had a day to myself?
said to his dad that he shouldn’t be awake at 10pm?
tokd him he doesn’t need to hug me if he doesn’t want to?

Who, the poster yu replied to or OP ?

Your husband is being unreasonable, there is no such thing as a day off from being a father- being a parent is a 24/7 365 days a year thing, it is in the nature of the beast- he wants you to stand in for him because he doesn't really like being a father.

Your husband is being unreasonable, there is no such thing as a day off from being a father- being a parent is a 24/7 365 days a year thing, it is in the nature of the beast- he wants you to stand in for him because he doesn't really like being a father.

Please ignore all the posters who are dismissive of how debilitating anxiety and depression can be. People are very quick to say they are understanding of mental health problems until they encounter someone who is behaving mentally unwell.

Taking time for yourself is not wrong and you are not a shit person for doing so. I'm sorry you are having a hard time at the moment.

You absolutely don't know that though and cannot make that determination. You only have one side of the story and one version of events.

What we know for sure is that there is a 6 year old boy stuck in the middle of this. He is the most important person in this situation because he has no agency and no control of the situation. He cannot walk away, he cannot change the behaviour of the adults and he has no power to say stop. He just has to witness and absorb the fallout of the arguments.

Both adults need to be mindful of the impact of their actions on him and what that will mean in terms of his anxiety going forward.

I agree that his dad does need to step up and make better choices about parenting his child and that includes the environment he's allowing him to spend time in.

But if were the boys mum, I would absolutely want to know what my six year old was in the middle of.

You have had lots of comments - not all helpful.

The strange thing is that your husband did not model the behaviour he expected of his son - if he felt that hugs were needed, he could have apologised for the atmosphere, told you he loves you and asked if you wanted a hug...

This 100%. I was coming on to say much the same thing but you said it much better. So many threads castigating men for using their partners as a nanny with a fanny, and yet despite this clearly being the case here OP is the one getting the flak, along with a pretty 1950’s level of understanding of mental health.

Your home sounds toxic, you have an awful marriage and you are hardly suffering from a touch of anxiety and depression given you're on antidepressants, antipsychotics and diazepam! Yeah, you're going though a tough time but so is this poor kid. He should be home with his mum if you can't cope and his dad's just plain nasty. The kid is the most important. He can't look after himself can he?

Sorry if you think this is harsh but genuinely, this is utterly dysfunctional.

Poor kid, most of all. Poor you too. The issue here is your DH. He is a dickhead. Poor kid is stuck with him as a dad for ever. But you however, are not stuck with him as a husband. Get rid.

I feel you’ve been given a really hard time on here. As an occasional thing taking a mental health day and spending the day decompressing and resting with a child in the house is absolutely ok. If your were physically unwell everyone would have sided with you. I think it’s important we also teach children about mental health too. The thing I feel really uncomfortable about is the forced hugging, it’s so important to teach children that their body is their own. I hope you’re ok.

Agreed. Who says stuff like that in front of a child. Sort yourself out or split up

Stepmothers generally get treated like something all the perfect mothers of MN trod in, OP. Don’t take their words to heart.

It seems that you have an awful lot going on right now. Trying to manage your own health must be very difficult. Your husband sounds very unhelpful, too. Does he take your health issues seriously? He sounds unpleasant and dismissive, from your description.

Have you thought about the future and how you see your life going forward? I appreciate that’s difficult when you’re so ill and I wouldn’t recommend any hasty moves, but maybe you can start looking toward the future and think about whether your husband is part of it.

Sending you a hug.

OP, this part really stood out for me

''Me and my husband went to bed without speaking after an argument because I spent the day watching my series in bed because I’ve been feeling anxious and depressed. His little boy was here so he thought this was selfish.
He kept his little boy up until 10 last night even though he knew I was struggling and wanted some support.''

I'm sorry, but it's all 'me, me, me' from you here, though I'm sure it's not how you meant it to sound?

I get that you were having a hard time, but it's simply not reasonable to expect your H to prioritise you, when he has a limited amount of time to spend focussing on his son?

It's reasonable for you to want time alone, but not to then expect your H to apologise for focusing on his son during that time?

It's appropriate for him to prioritise and focus upon his child during visits, and that's just something ALL parents should do when they actually don't see the child for long periods?

The child simply has to come first, and your adult problems have to be on the 'back burner' until your H has free time to support you?

Hahaha what a load of rubbish, now you're blaming OP for her DH being a useless Disney dad???

It's his job to set proper boundaries and routine for his son and if OP what's to lie in and chill for a day she cjs bloody well do so. You expect stepmother's to jump in when you want and do what you demand but then when it comes to discipline or major decisions you shout how she is isn't his mother so she doesn't have a say. Really???