Husband forcing his son to hug me causing tension?

[Freezingupnorth]

I’ve been arguing with my husband for loads of different reasons and we’re basically at a crisis point. We’ve never argued in front of his child (boy,6), but he probably senses we’re not as close as we used to be. Me and my husband went to bed without speaking after an argument because I spent the day watching my series in bed because I’ve been feeling anxious and depressed. His little boy was here so he thought this was selfish.

He kept his little boy up until 10 last night even though he knew I was struggling and wanted some support. I sat with them otherwise it would’ve caused tension. I said to him quite calmly I’m happy to do movie nights but can we start them earlier so bedtime isn’t moved so late? He started shouting at me saying I didn’t want to spend time with his son, that he never gets a day off and is exhausted. I said if you’re exhausted why did you make bedtime later? He said cus I wanted to and I will, if you don’t like it, go to ‘your’ room.

This morning I walked into the living room and they were on the couch laying down together watching a film. His little boys not done anything wrong and he’s just a child, so I said a breezy “good morning” to which he responded. Husband then told him to give me a hug, he refused. Husband kept pushing him to do it saying he wasn’t being kind, wasn’t going to finish the film… ffs? He’s 6? I think it’s wrong to make a child hug anyone.

His little boy starts crying. I say to my husband “me being here’s caused an atmosphere, I’m going to my room”

Aibu?

Your OP said you’re feeling anxious and depressed. I’m pretty sure a psychiatrist will not have prescribed a day in bed watching box sets to help you with what turns out now to be significant mental illness.

You wanted him to be in bed by 10, by your own admission, so that you could have his father’s focus. Your priority wasn’t him, and you don’t get to hide in bed all day and then make out that you are being a concerned step parent because a child is having a late night on a Saturday.

The suggestions of getting out in nature, being active and doing something with your family would have been much more beneficial for all of you.

In one paragraph, you up are your own arse. In another paragraph you are a person who can’t cope at all without your DPs attention.

My 7yo is in bed at 7:30. If we have a 'film night' he's still in bed by 8:30. So yes, 10pm seems quite late to me although different parents do things differently. He is never forced or pressured to hug anyone though and this seems fundamentally wrong.

Separately, is this relationship making your mental health worse? You talk about having to do certain things otherwise there would be tension.

Why does your husband think he should get a day off from parenting his own child, or that it's your job to facilitate it?

No, because the default description of this child is ‘his child’. You clearly see no need to have a nurturing relationship with your stepson. Poor kid.

She's not his step mum though he lives with his actual mum still 50% of the time.

Staying in bed all day is not conducive to good mental health. I feel desperately sorry for the child caught up in this.

Unfortunately there’s a fundamental divide between you and your husband. He wants you to act as a parent to DS while you feel you are a step parent so don’t have to parent the child. This angers him because he doesn’t actually want to parent his child and expects you, the woman, to give him the breaks he thinks he deserves as a father.

It won’t get better because you’re both coming at the relationship from completely different angles. He thinks you’re a crap step mum… you think you’re just step mum so why does it matter what you do.

At the end of the day, your DH is a bad father and he’s also likely contributing to your mental health issues because he’s a bad partner and resentful.

Poor little boy. You both need to sit down and talk properly about your expectations. Can you not carve out your "me time" when your DSS is with his mum?
I agree with PP, a long walk in the park and a bite of lunch out is far better than you lying in bed all day gawping at the telly while your DH and his son are slumped on the sofa all day. You both need to step up and have some proper family time

This

What??

Do you think step parents are only step parents if they live with their partners children 100% of the time?

Weird.

Are you a mental health expert then? Psychologist? Psychiatrist?

I think a lot of people arent understanding this level of poor mental health. Perhaps she can't just get up and go out without having a massive panic attack. Perhaps watching box sets is the pnly way to keep her mind off having a panic attack? Panic attacks are literally terrifying, not just feeling a bit anxious

Edit: sorry, didn't mean to quote anyone

Are people commenting that I should get up and do some exercise really understand severe depression and anxiety? That you don’t get referred to a psychiatric team or the cmht if you can just manage it through self care? I sleep around 2 hours a night, so yes, my psychiatrist DID say, rest whenever you can. My bmi is 17.5, I have no energy whatsoever. As I said, in all the years I’ve been in DSS life I have never had a day off parenting.

posting here has made me feel even more of a shit person, that might be justified, but I’m stepping away now

Your DH sounds like a terrible Dad and partner, however you were quite passive aggressive in your response to the hug and that’s always confusing for children who usually feel like it’s their fault. You should have just said “no he doesn’t have to hug me”.
Staying in bed all day is fine if you weren’t feeling well.

You have no idea what you're talking about

I disagree. Staying in bed with a good book can do the world of good. As long as it’s not all the time. Sometimes checking out from the day-to-day drudgery is a fantastic use of time. It’s why we go on holidays isn’t it? So why not now and again at home?

I don't blame you. Mumsnet is AWFUL for having no understanding of mental health issues. Its upsetting me just reading some of the replies

Do whatever gets you through the day x

Of course he isn’t, because that’s his actual issue. That you’re not parenting his son enough for him to have a “break”. You haven’t been performing well enough yesterday, he punished you and his son for it (in a weird attempt to emotionally blackmail you) and guess what? He got what he wanted. You seriously need to reassess this relationship.

Don't listen to the haters OP they are just, well haters!

This!

Some of these replies are shameful. Replies from women terrified of the day they hear the words 'I've met someone'.

I assume you do the bulk of day to day care for your SS when he is with you @Freezingupnorth ?
Your dh was quick to say he wasn't going to the park wasn't he?

Leave this man. He will just expect more and more from you without giving anything back.
Imagine sticking up for a man who lets his 6 year old stay up till 10pm and tries forcing said 6 year old to cuddle someone who is visibly struggling.

He sounds like a terrible father.

He sounds abusive to me. You are allowed a duvet day for illness mental or physical. Your DH seems a my way or you will pay kind of bloke. From controlling whether you can have a duvet day to the time of movie nights to forcing his son to hug you. It screams controlling to me and his behaviour might be why you are anxious (walking on egg shells) and then depressed (doesn’t matter what you do, you are in the wrong according to him).

@Freezingupnorth would your MH improve if you left this relationship?

It's something that should be considered.