Husband forcing his son to hug me causing tension?

[Freezingupnorth]

I’ve been arguing with my husband for loads of different reasons and we’re basically at a crisis point. We’ve never argued in front of his child (boy,6), but he probably senses we’re not as close as we used to be. Me and my husband went to bed without speaking after an argument because I spent the day watching my series in bed because I’ve been feeling anxious and depressed. His little boy was here so he thought this was selfish.

He kept his little boy up until 10 last night even though he knew I was struggling and wanted some support. I sat with them otherwise it would’ve caused tension. I said to him quite calmly I’m happy to do movie nights but can we start them earlier so bedtime isn’t moved so late? He started shouting at me saying I didn’t want to spend time with his son, that he never gets a day off and is exhausted. I said if you’re exhausted why did you make bedtime later? He said cus I wanted to and I will, if you don’t like it, go to ‘your’ room.

This morning I walked into the living room and they were on the couch laying down together watching a film. His little boys not done anything wrong and he’s just a child, so I said a breezy “good morning” to which he responded. Husband then told him to give me a hug, he refused. Husband kept pushing him to do it saying he wasn’t being kind, wasn’t going to finish the film… ffs? He’s 6? I think it’s wrong to make a child hug anyone.

His little boy starts crying. I say to my husband “me being here’s caused an atmosphere, I’m going to my room”

Aibu?

Your husband is prat.

Sorry, that's not a particularly helpful response. Is it possible to sit down with your husband and find out what's really going on? He's borrowing problems for both you and his son, why?

Your husband sounds an abusive arsehole, does he have his son full time ?

No, he has him a week at a time, split custody

Sounds like the marriage is miserable.

I think sitting in bed all day watching box sets because you're feeling anxious is wrong when you have a young child in the house. It sends out a very poor message to that child.

Making the little boy give you a hug is also wrong. His dad should never force him to hug someone he doesn't want to.

Your husband is unhappy. You're unhappy. Either talk to each other like adults or end the relationship. This isn't fair on the child.

yeah the red flags are you were laying around in bed all day and YOU wanted some support from your husband so we’re annoyed that the little boy want packed off to bed. You sound manipulative as well

I don't really know what might be going on if you suffer depression then do you find the boy stressful? Lying in bed all day seems to be the cause of some of the tension, but your husband isn't really helping

I was told by my psychiatrist to carve some me time, as I’d been giving a lot of support to other people. I’m having panic attacks which aren’t nice for a child to see. In the 4 years I’ve been in the little boys life I’ve never done that, but maybe I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t trying to pack him off to bed, it was 10pm.

why am I manipulative,

Poor kid, what a horrible environment for him to be forced to live in. You both need to sort yourselves out, lying in bed all day is not going to help you feel any less depressed.

Who have you been supporting?

Your relationship with your husband isn’t working. He’s using his kid as an excuse and a weapon , you’re also using his kid as an excuse. It’s the adults here that are the problem. He’s not giving you what you want or need so what will you do about it?

There’s an awful lot of film watching and lying in bed going on here, I can’t help thinking it would do all 3 of you the world of good to get out of the house and do something together in the fresh air? A bike ride in a local park ?
Speaking as someone who is having anxiety problems at the moment but has no choice than to get up and look after my disabled daughter.

Him saying he never gets a day off is a bit suspicious. He comes across as one of those dads that, when they have their kids from a split relationship, expect their partner/mother/anyone else do the bulk of work and take care of/entertain the child/children. Is this the case?

It does seem off you lying in bed all day, bit if this was truly a one off, I'd say he's more pissed off that he actually had to look after his own kid with no help.

I'd say yanbu to have taken 1 day for yourself (whether it be your own child or step child). Also, yanbu to force a child to hug you.

You are both BU for creating such an awful atmosphere for the child.

To concentrate on your specific question everyone should be aware these days that you never try to make a child have physical contact with anyone if they don't want to

But it seems that this is only one of many issues in your relationship

Are you working OP?

You both sound as awful as each other to be blunt.
Poor little boy.

I think you could have said "No its fine, he doesn't need to hug me 🙂" rather than probably making the boy think it was his fault you left

I think you need to split up with his dad though

There are much bigger problems here than your DH trying to encourage a hug.

If you’ve 50/50 contact with his child then you should probably try and carve this me time when your young step son isn’t around. There is no need to be quite so negative about him having a late night. It might not be ideal but you can’t check out of the family and then come back and tell the other parent what to do.

This pretty much says what I feel.

There very much are two of you in it playing your part in the destruction of your relationship.

Staying in bed watching a box sets all day is on nobody’s list for improving mood. Getting exercise, getting out in nature, good social connection improves mental health.

You are very much part of your problems and it is a fantasy to think your husband needs to support your destructive behaviour any more than you need to participate in his.

“The little boy” you refer to is your stepson. You’ve known him most of his life and you’re behaving as if he’s an annoyance and an inconvenience.
I don’t get why his DF wanted him to hug you, but that’s not the real issue here. Your role as a stepmother is.

Because I thought he should be in bed by 10pm?

Whats wrong with lying in bed all day? My step daughters (10 and 12) are here now. I have just planned to spend the day in bed in PJs watching shite. I need a lazy day (well want rather than need). I will pop in and out seeing what they are doing - we get on great - but they are here to be with their dad not me. Hes in the other bedroom with them now playing minecraft. I dont see the issue.

What a horrid response! This lady has been honest
she's struggling with mental health yet throughout her post she mentions the little one and the effect this situation is having on him.
God I'd never go to a friend like you for support....

@Freezingupnorth because you’re putting pressure on your husband to choose between you and his son at the weekend. Removing yourself during the day and then acting like that in the evening.Even if it’s not your intention, that’s the consequence of your actions.

I agree it does sound like a miserable relationship and not healthy for the poor child, who needs to come first in this. You need a partner who can give you the support you need. Your DH needs to prioritise his son.

If DC was mine there’s no way I’d want to send him into that environment at a weekend. Ultimately you might push your husband to make a choice and he will probably choose his child.

How long have you been married if you’ve been I the boys life for 4 years?