Husband forcing his son to hug me causing tension?

[Freezingupnorth]

I’ve been arguing with my husband for loads of different reasons and we’re basically at a crisis point. We’ve never argued in front of his child (boy,6), but he probably senses we’re not as close as we used to be. Me and my husband went to bed without speaking after an argument because I spent the day watching my series in bed because I’ve been feeling anxious and depressed. His little boy was here so he thought this was selfish.

He kept his little boy up until 10 last night even though he knew I was struggling and wanted some support. I sat with them otherwise it would’ve caused tension. I said to him quite calmly I’m happy to do movie nights but can we start them earlier so bedtime isn’t moved so late? He started shouting at me saying I didn’t want to spend time with his son, that he never gets a day off and is exhausted. I said if you’re exhausted why did you make bedtime later? He said cus I wanted to and I will, if you don’t like it, go to ‘your’ room.

This morning I walked into the living room and they were on the couch laying down together watching a film. His little boys not done anything wrong and he’s just a child, so I said a breezy “good morning” to which he responded. Husband then told him to give me a hug, he refused. Husband kept pushing him to do it saying he wasn’t being kind, wasn’t going to finish the film… ffs? He’s 6? I think it’s wrong to make a child hug anyone.

His little boy starts crying. I say to my husband “me being here’s caused an atmosphere, I’m going to my room”

Aibu?

Eh I don’t get the pile on to the op! It’s not her kid and she is entitled to stay in bed watching tv if she wants to. The dad can have a day with his kkd

i have my own 2 little kids and I’m currently in bed hungover and I don’t plan on getting up at all tbh

the 10pm bedtime thing - I’d have just left them to it tbh and went back to my room - probably not the best idea keeping the kid up late but the dad can chose to do what he wants I guess

why are they lying around watching tv again this morning - does he not take his child out anywhere ?

You spent the day in bed watching rv , what age are you? Your husband needs to realise that you never get a day off from being a parent.

There’s nothing wrong with it, but this is Mumsnet - anything a Step Mum does or doesn’t do is wrong.

I think the issue is actually the DH is a prick and annoyed because he had to parent his own child so kept him up till 10pm out of spite then tried to force his Son to hug her for no reason.

Deffo a DH problem here.

Who’s minding your kids for the day?

Your husband doesn't sound very nice at all.

If I'd been in your shoes I'd have probably tried to diffuse the situation for the child's sake and said something cheery "aww he doesn't have to hug me if he doesn't want, how about a fist bump?!" Then taken it up with the husband later.

Poor child...it sounds like a horrible atmosphere

You married a man with a child 50% residency. Lying in bed all day ‘feeling anxious’ is a bit much. You need to get real help if you can’t manage a bit of a normal family day.

He had no business trying to force his son to hug you.

Do you feel like a family?!

She is seeing a psychiatrist, so clearly is getting real help

I do have real help. I’m under a CMHT. I’m on antidepressants and antipsychotics and have PRN diazepam. It’s not a bit of anxiety.

The marriage isn't working, start planning your future once the divorce happens.
Life is for enjoying, you don't need to live like this.

He is clearly not taking your mental health problems seriously, and for that reason alone I think you should split up

I was just going to say the same thing. “Don’t worry Max, I hated being forced to give people hugs too when I was six. Give me a high five instead!” with a smile.

Does the dynamic in your marriage change significantly week to week?

I can’t imagine living 50/50 with my DP’s son in that pattern, as it’s very intense when he’s around (older than your DSS but with SEN) and would mean for a week at a time I barely get any attention from him.

My DP is besotted with me when it’s just the two of us. But he is (rightly) focussed on his DS when he’s there. It’s usually only for 2/3 days a time except during school holidays and he’s made it very clear that I am to do whatever I wish during that time and that he doesn’t need me there to help parent his son. If this were the case for a full week at a time with a week of a ‘normal’ relationship in between I would find it very disorienting.

Presumably their father? His dick won’t fall off you know!

And btw fuck the judgey twats saying that laying in bed is lazy and that you all need to go out for a lovely family day in the great outdoors. You need to do whatever you need to do to feel ok, and if that’s mindless TV for an entire day, that’s absolutely no less valid than yoga or hiking.

The atmosphere must be thick! A pp suggested going out for a bit can you suggest to your to take your step son out for fresh air.?

@Freezingupnorth its quite simple for your H to keep both you and his son happy. 1) let you lay in bed all day if that’s what your MH needs and 2) look after his own son.

To achieve this though, he shouldn’t be annoyed that you are not participating in family life and you shouldn’t be annoyed that he can’t give you his time - so no complaining about bed times etc..

Either join in completely or stay out of it completely and do your own thing.

@seanconneryseyebrow are your step daughters with you 50% of the time? I can understand a stepmother not wanting to get particularly involved in family life if it’s an “every other weekend” arrangement. But if a child lives with you for half of their life, you really have to behave almost like another parent.

OK, sorry, I missed your post about your psychiatrist. Your OP made your MH issues sound much more minor.

Maybe you and DH need a calm talk about how you all function together to make sure everyone’s needs are met and agree some common frameworks: DSs is in bed by x o clock, make some joint family time, e.g one meal together or one movie together, be clear about when you need withdrawal time, not sure what can be done about DH’s tiredness but that’s parenting!

I’ve said I’ll take him the park, so going to get him ready and then take him. Husband said he’s not coming.

Wow!

Yeah he definitely isn't supportive. He sounds selfish. Have you got kids of your own? I love watching TV and will find as much time as possible in my life to binge watch series!! Nothing wrong with that OP (Just finished Vigil 3)😁

Sounds like he wants you to be the one taking care of his son instead of him.
This is very common with men. Nanny with a fanny is the crude yet accurate name.

He sounds insufferable but maybe .going will lift the atmosphere for a bit,

So he doesn't actually want family time then, he just wants you to take the load off HIS responsibilities.

I agree with @OffTheMap . Oyu need to ahree some boundaries with your DH.

Your MH issues are not trivial, though sometimes gentle exercise is more effective than sitting.

I'm glad you are taking your step son out. Can you walk there and back? A lot of the time with young childrem it's about finding things to occupy them.