Husband forcing his son to hug me causing tension?

[Freezingupnorth]

I’ve been arguing with my husband for loads of different reasons and we’re basically at a crisis point. We’ve never argued in front of his child (boy,6), but he probably senses we’re not as close as we used to be. Me and my husband went to bed without speaking after an argument because I spent the day watching my series in bed because I’ve been feeling anxious and depressed. His little boy was here so he thought this was selfish.

He kept his little boy up until 10 last night even though he knew I was struggling and wanted some support. I sat with them otherwise it would’ve caused tension. I said to him quite calmly I’m happy to do movie nights but can we start them earlier so bedtime isn’t moved so late? He started shouting at me saying I didn’t want to spend time with his son, that he never gets a day off and is exhausted. I said if you’re exhausted why did you make bedtime later? He said cus I wanted to and I will, if you don’t like it, go to ‘your’ room.

This morning I walked into the living room and they were on the couch laying down together watching a film. His little boys not done anything wrong and he’s just a child, so I said a breezy “good morning” to which he responded. Husband then told him to give me a hug, he refused. Husband kept pushing him to do it saying he wasn’t being kind, wasn’t going to finish the film… ffs? He’s 6? I think it’s wrong to make a child hug anyone.

His little boy starts crying. I say to my husband “me being here’s caused an atmosphere, I’m going to my room”

Aibu?

Oh and @Freezingupnorth you are perfectly entitled to a day in bed or doing whatever you need to do to stay well.
You should not have offered to take your SS to the park as you have done exactly what your dh wanted. At least the little one will be getting out through.

OP please don't feel worse... even bio parents need time out from time to time from their kids so you even more have the right to do this. Look after yourself please.

How are you pretty sure? What a nasty snooty thing to say. OP if you are In antidepressants, anti psychotics and are seeing a psychiatrist it wont be mild symptoms. Take the day and recover and watch TV in bed. My husband has bipolar 2 and is on antipsychotics they are powerful medications and he absolutely has days where he struggles to get out of bed and I tell him to rest up.
your husband is unsupportive and sounds like the usual selfish entitled man who believes he deserves a break from his own kids. He cab rest the week he doesnt have them or pay a babysitter. How are you now stuck taking your step son to the park but your husband has opted out? I would opt of being in the relationship

I think your husband will see that as a win for him - he can then have the lie down that he didn't want you to have.

I've a feeling your depression would miraculously lift if you separated from this man.

How much of childcare do you do? I’m getting the impression that your H has you doing the bulk of it while he opts out.

How have you decided this? Yes nature is good for people but people with serious mental illness who are on multiple medications are allowed a day of rest in bed. They dont have to be guilted into going outside if they need rest

I'm sorry OP, I wasn't suggesting you could exercise your way out of bad MH, jist that sometimes a walk helps. I have a relative with similar problems and meds to yours and thry are encouraged to remain active.

I hooe you have a nice time at the park.

If you are on antidepressants and antipsychotics and under the care of a psychiatrist then having a total rest day in bed can absolutely positively be the best possible thing. OP dont listen to the people trying to guilt you into sitting in the sunshine at a bloody park. Listen to your body if you need a rest day in bed you need a rest day in bed.

As a mum with my own biological child, I’d still like my child to be in bed at a reasonable time: 1) for their own wellbeing; and, 2) to have some adult time/space.

seems to be acceptable when it’s your own child but a view you’re not allowed to have if it’s a stepchild 🤷🏻‍♀️

They are here every Sunday. It was a birthday yesterday so they have had a sleepover - that happens sporadically. I decorated the whole house, cake, balloons, banners etc whilst he picked them up. I do that cos its my thing and I love fussing over them. Then we played a bit with legos and I did a bit of work. Im kind of in and out with what they are doing - I intentionally leave them to be with their dad about 70 per cent of the time. My DP remembers hating it that when his dad remarried he never got time alone with him again - and he didnt want that. I like that too as I didnt really want to be with someone with kids (it just happened) as Im an empty nester. I think they are lovely, but I still have my space. So our arrangement works well for everyone. I go when we have days out (which is quite a lot) if its something Im interested in like historic sites or animals, or swimming.

As for the hugging thing. I thought it was completely not the done thing to force a kid to hug. These guys dont hug me and I dont push it. I do wish they would (Im a hugger) but they are more reserved and I respect that. The older one barely hugs her dad so I cant expect that.

Sorry you are getting such a hard time OP, I suspect most of those came from people not who didn't realise the extent of your MH issues. Of course you can stay in bed if you need to. If you had a physical illness and needed to stay in bed, nobody would question it. DSS should have been fine under the circumstances as he was with his dad. Unfortunately his dad sounds abusive and nasty, and this is where the problem lies. He was wrong to try to make him hug you, and unless he is trying to damage your relationship with his son, he should recognise that. I would make it clear to his son that he doesn't have to hug you/kiss you etc, that you are fine with whatever he is comfortable with, and you need to reinforce this in front of them both if the situation happens again. Secondly, your relationship sounds awful, unless DH has some redeeming features that you haven't mentioned yet. The relationship is probably impacting your mental health, and I would seriously consider if you want to stay in this marriage.

She is married to his father. That makes her his stepmother. The legal definition of stepparent is one who is married to or is in a Civil Partnership with a child’s parent.

Oh, poor you and poor child! My daughter is 5 and she’s picky about giving me or her dad a cuddle, yet always wants one when it’s not convenient like if he has just got a boiling hot cup of tea in his hand 🤣 it’s just a kid thing. And also he was probably grumpy as he’d been up so late…….. my dd would be, she always denies she’s tired come 7:30/8pm but she blatantly is 🤣

Im a mental health professional. People talk absolute bollox about getting outside, getting in fresh air etc - when people are suffering this much that is not going to help. The professional advice you have gotten sounds bang on to me. You are prioritising sleep, rest, relaxation, and self-care. Thats essential. You are absolutely NOT a shit person. You sound lovely, but you are way too concerned about others still. You really need to be selfish right now and focus solely on yourself. A BMI of 17.5 is very concerning, and I expect you are barely managing the basics - food, cleanliness, sleep etc.

If you are going through this, I am concerned about your DPs treatment of you. He should not be adding to your stress. The little boy in this situation will be fine - he has his dad there. You, however, sound like you are really struggling and absolutely need to be prioritising yourself and your needs - and anyone who doesnt support you in that is to be avoided. Id tell your DP that you need him to back off and give you minimal stress right now as you are white knuckling it. Tell him your psych has advised this (Im sure they will).

Take care of yourself OP. YOU MATTER!

There have been multiple posts on this site where women talk about looking after their step children and the husband coming out with similar comments like ‘I'm exhausted why wont you help’ and people leaping in with comments along the lines of ‘his child his responsibility’.

if OP had flu noone would expect her to make time for family time, it is clear her mental health is not good so why the lack of sympathy? She needs to rest on drs advice and like any illness this takes time.

I have a six year old and do not keep her up until 10 to watch a movie. I would also NEVER make her hug someone. Both those bits of behaviour are really weird and poor parenting. Sounds like OP was being punished via the child for having a day of rest. The shouting at her in front of the child is awful for everyone and unnecessary.

Sounds like this relationship has run its course.

Hugs to you, if can't believe the awful responses you're getting.

No, it don't think people do understand. If you'd said you've got flu and spent a day in bed, nobody would bat an eyelid but because its mental health people will jump on it and say you're causing your own problems and you need to go for a nice walk.

It would be different if you did it all the time, but you've said its a one off.

Do you get any support from your husband, or is he always shouty and abusive? Him being tired is not a reason to yell at you.

Agree he shouldn't be making the kid hug you, but it would be best to make sure the child understands you're supporting him, not angry with him - leaving the room probably came across to the child as his fault.

It all sounds really difficult.

I was one of the get out for fresh air posters! I absolutely do not think fresh air is a "cure all" I was more thinking the atmosphere in the house wouldn't be particularly healthy for the op and the little lad but mainly the Op just to get away from any oppressive atmosphere,

I'm sorry you're so unwell OP and totally understand the need for rest and self-care. It sounds like there are big problems in the marriage and your husband isn't very supportive when it comes to your illness? I can only imagine that the marriage difficulties aren't helping you get better. This is about much more than him making his little boy give you a hug.

You aren’t a nice person

Step mothers can't do right for doing wrong on MN.

Anything you do that isn't putting the step child front and centre, 100% of the time is 'wrong', regardless of whether anyone would expect that from a biological mum or dad, or stepdad.

This. I agree a child shouldn't hug if thru feel uncomfortable but your partner is probably overly anxious for his son to get on with you.

What an unpleasant post.

So many people here don’t seem to understand how debilitating anxiety and depression can be. They wouldn’t be so rude if it was a physical illness that was making you stay in bed all day.