To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

I don't believe anyone should ever expect, or feel entitled to, any form of inheritance.

It is clear, however, that this was not an "obvious" inheritance, such as parent to child or grandparent to grandchild.

There maybe is a feeling of unfairness, but ultimately the cousin isn't being "done out of anything" here. More a case of your children receiving an unexpected windfall. Would the cousin expect to receive a share if grandparents had bought the 3 of them premium bonds and one of your children's bonds won the £1m prize?

I think PlL wouldn't be unreasonable to redress the balance via their own wills (well, they're not unreasonable regardless, as they can do what they like with their wills!) But no one has a right to ask/demand that your children do anything differently here. And to do so is to disrespect the wishes of the deceased.

Agreed.

I'm in the position of having no children of my own.

I'm closer to some family members than others. My nephews through marriage have been lovely. On my own side of the family, I'm closer to some cousins than others on my mum's side; on my dad's side, I'm closer to my first cousins once removed than I am to my second cousins.

I think that - particularly as you get older - you are more inclined to think of leaving your estate to those who have been supportive to you.

One family member excluded my husband from a significant family celebration stating they didn't think he 'would want to come' when he asked about his exclusion after the event. (It was clear that they didn't want to accommodate his disability.)

On the other hand, when the first nephew married, one sourced accessible accommodation for my husband and prompted the photographer to take a family photograph where my husband could remain seated and the bridal party stood next to him.

When the second nephew married, he mentioned my husband in his speech and thanked me for attending.

I'd been fairly recently widowed at the time and the first nephew and his family looked after me - I was seated at a table with him and his family, plus the groom's aunt and uncle.

There will probably be damn all to inherit once my care costs are paid for, but I'm making sure that the nephews through marriage aren't left out.

Agree.

Well given the nastiness in the family I can see clearly why the relative didn't bother to include these relatives and their children. And now they're trying to coerce children? (By the way, the only reason Emily is crying is because they are manipulating her into believing she would get some money that she is not entitled to.) This is despicable.

I'm coming to the thread late and hence have the benefit of all your posts, OP. Well done for extricating yourself from the relationship with ex and his family, and doing so with your head held high and leaving relationships at least possible for your DC. Based on all you've shared, that is some achievement.

One of my parents was a Wills & Probate solicitor. I'm not qualified at all, but working for them for a long time gave me some insight. A lot of people have understandably speculated that the Will was just 'written badly' and should've been written to include the younger cousin. I'd have to say that it seems unlikely given the Will has been written relatively recently. Allowing for the birth of more children/ grandchildren in the future is pretty standard stuff with Wills. It seems far more likely that the deceased made very deliberate decisions about what they wanted to happen to their money when they died and given the nightmare that family, particularly some parts of it!, is, it's not hugely surprising.

But whatever the position, as many have said, the Will represents the wishes of the deceased and should be followed. I can't help feeling somewhat sorry for the cousin since at 10/11 they have clearly done 'nothing wrong' yet there is a case to say they've missed out on a sum of money that is, realistically, life changing given it means a different/ better education/ deposit on a house/ whatever (if spent like that, anyway, rather than frittered away). However that is not your concern and given the deceased was of sound mind when they made the Will (which you have to assume they were if a professional was involved) then they have made their decision and you have to trust they knew what they were doing and had their reasons.

What I can say is that my parent, when writing somebody's WiIll, in a situation where they could be perceived to be 'disinheriting' somebody. would often suggest they write a side letter ("Letter of Wishes") alongside the Will. In this case they could've written a letter explicitly addressing the reasons why your DC were given an inheritance and the cousin wasn't (e.g. "I always admired the way IfIHadAHeart conducted herself throughout the relationship and divorce and having become well acquainted with the DC I would love to help them out financially, whereas DC's Cousin is well provided for already"... or whatever the rationale actually was). That way it doesn't become part of the publicly available record but it does provide a contemporaneous record of the deceased's wishes and rationale, thus reducing the risk of their wishes being overturned in the future. Of course, that does rather depend on executors a) receiving the letter and b) not 'burying' it. If solicitors are named as executors or co-executors that's one thing but if only executors are part of the Nightmare Family from Hell, them executing their legal obligation may not be reliable, let alone taking into account their purely moral obligation to consider anything in a letter of wishes!

Anyway the whole thing sounds like by the time it's over, OP, you might be willing to pay £100k (or whatever the actual amount turns out to be) to be rid of the lot of them..! I hope things calm down soon, that your DC get enough money to make a real difference to them and that there isn't too much collateral damage.

And no... you're not being unreasonable. One of your posts talked about what 'fairness' is in this situation, and you're absolutely right - so much depends on context. I can imagine many scenarios where splitting the inheritance 3 ways instead of 2 and going for a Deed of Variation to achieve that would be the 'fair' way to go (although maybe not even possible in this case). I can think of others, as PP have explained, where the generation up collaborating to achieve an equal outcome for their children is 'fair'. But 'equitable' and 'equal' are not the same things and it may well be that the deceased saw a way to make things equitable in ways that you are wholly unaware of. You and your DC have no reason to feel guilty and those who suggest the only fair way forward is a 3 way split have very little imagination! (and to be fair, in some cases, also didn't have the benefit of the information in some of your later posts when they replied).

I agree with this. They are trying to bully your children into giving up their lawful inheritance. If they are so bothered about Emily then they can make sure she inherits what they have when the time comes.

I think the deceased has decided exactly who she would like to leave something to in her will and if that hasn’t pleased everyone then tough.

I would send a message to either your ex or the ones bothering you and say that you will not engage in any discussion about this matter and if they continue to harass you or your sons then you will report them to the police or get a solicitor involved. Keep screen shots of their messages. I imagine you are very glad to be out of that family.

@IfIHadAHeart Its very early days may I suggest an email, possibly from your eldest, that says it’s early days and probate can take 12 months+ before any money is distributed. Pushing DC to make a decision now is inappropriate and is distressing him. Please do not contact him about the will until probate is granted.

Sign up to the website I gave so you get an update when probate is granted.

If your DC does decide to share the money may I suggest your DC keeps it in an account until the cousin is 18. The eagerness to get their hands on the money so shortly after the person has died is a 🚩.

Sadly I have heard of cases where the trustee has spent the money.Edited to add cousins family would not be trustees another 🚩.

Even if wanted to share with cousin, by your elders DV giving up the 33k out of 100k ( numbers for eg), your eldest DC will lose out financially as they have to wait X number of years for their remaining amount from youngest DC, whilst the other 2 get their full amount for all the time,

so that is not fair, mathematically either as your eldest will end up with the least,

I'm amazed at the people who believe your DS should share/consider sharing. Wills don't have to be fair. My friend inherited a small sum from a beloved aunt. There were about 10 beneficiaries including a charity but not including her own daughter and granddaughter. This was because she had given plenty to the daughter during her lifetime and daughter never bothered to see her etc.
The executor write to all the beneficiaries asking if they would give up a sum to share with granddaughter. Some agreed.

Coming from a family that on one side has a tendency to be spiteful and unpleasant, I know an ugly family history when I smell one. You say you’ve kept a lot of this from your DS, but he’s 18 now and legally a grown ass man, you need to be upfront and truthful with him about it as it obviously very much coloured your relative’s views when she wrote her will. She left your DCs this money, and only them, for reasons, possibly entirely justified reasons. There’s nothing wrong with letting him know why this happened, and it may arm him against being bullied into doing something he doesn’t want to by your ex in-laws.

The consequences are all on the family members demanding money from the children against the wishes of the deceased.

To add - I suggest these family members contact the charity and demand from them Emily’s share of the money instead.

Yeah I read them. It’s all about keeping money they didn’t earn and the legal reasons they can’t be compelled to share it, as if that’s a justification for the mine mine mine grabbiness.

As for the deceased wishes being honoured, give me a break. They’re not going to be upset, they’re dead. As will you be, and me, when our wills are read so it’s not really a compelling argument, although it it is useful to use it as one when you’re the benefitting party.

As it is OP’s DC cannot be forced to do anything with the money so the whole situation is moot. Trying to claim they have any moral superiority is tedious.

We don’t know the financial situation of the ex in-laws but I fully suspect the story would be different if they leave everything solely to the cousin and she ends up with a lot more, further down the line. Large sums of free money tends to really get people going.

I was going to suggest it was probably an oversight and that the fairest thing would be to somehow compensate the cousin. However given that they were the only two named and that the majority of the estate went to charity, it seems they were named because they had an established warm relationship with the deceased which they wanted to acknowledge. Presumably the cousin and his parents didn’t. Stick to your guns.

I’m not sure you’ve read my posts then because the only legal thing I’ve really mentioned is that my youngest DC can’t agree to a variation or have anyone agree it on their behalf because they are under 18. It’s not sugarcoating or a justification, it’s the truth. It’s not even the point really as it’s my eldest DCs share they want.

I haven’t claimed to be morally superior, and I’ve said twice already that how PIL manage their estate is up to them, not me or my DC.

I’m intrigued to know what you think the point of a will is though, in general terms, if you think there’s no need to stick to it because the deceased can’t be upset due to being deceased. I mean that for any will, not in my specific scenario. Why do we bother with them at all if the “right” thing to do is actually follow the wishes of whichever surviving family members shout loudest?

To be fair, the 'good person' comment was made before we had the full story. The poster probably thought it was a grandparent who'd failed to add the youngest cousin to their will.
Now we know it's a great aunt through marriage who had a closer relationship with one set of grand nephews than the other it makes much more sense to just respect the will. The money was left because of the actual type of relationship they had with help and contact, not because of a blood or marriage relationship only.

No no and no to sharing.

There is zero chance that if "Emily" had been left the money she would be giving two thirds of it away to your boys. Zero chance.

Your boys were left this money because the person was fond of them. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less and that's the right of someone making a will. It should be respected.

It isn't even legal for you to agree or pressure a child with money in trust to give it away. It is their money, in trust and no one has the right to decide what they should do with it.

I think you and your older son need to say you won't discuss the will further/block them. Anything after that is a police harassment matter.

As opposed to the family demanding money they didn’t earn?

So what if it’s money they didn’t earn? That’s entirely irrelevant, unless of course you hold that weird belief that only money that you’ve explicitly earned can be considered yours. It was given
to them, it’s theirs. They hold the high ground both legally and morally. Keeping their own money isn’t greedy, the only ones being greedy here are the relatives that think they’re entitled to it.

True. Everyone else’s will be earning years of compound interest whilst DC1 holds a small pot of the cash—this will add up to a lot.

OP I’ve read your updates and it seems likely that the will was intentional and didn’t accidentally exclude the cousin. If relatives are going to insist the cousin gets something, why not the deceased’s sibling? They are obviously being unreasonable.

Who’s the executor? They can’t legally do anything other than what the will says, but I feel bad for your DC who are going to be badly pressured. I hope it’s someone who’ll protect your DC from these vultures!

If I wrote a will and then people not beneficiaries were bullying others to hand over money but I couldn’t be upset as I’d be dead….. what’s the fecking point of a will at all?
It’s like someone making funeral plans and then ‘loved ones’ just tossing the body into a skip to save money. Mum won’t be upset she’s not been buried, she’s dead.
A will is a legal document and that’s it.

This. Emily’s parents need to take the sob story to the charity.

I’m sure they handle it beautifully by going in and trying to strangle the receptionist.

Certainly got you going, even though you're not in line for a payout.

Also to add if "Emily" is upset that's entirely on the adults. Why would a 10/11 year old know anything about it? Only if she has been told. There was no reason for her to know anything about it.

Yes, that will go tremendously well.

'Emily's only 10 and her entire future has been destroyed by this evil will!'
'Could I just establish how well Emily knew <consults notes> her grandfather's sister-in-law?'
'Extremely well!'
'Emily, I have some photographs here. Could you pick out the picture of your Great-Aunt Pat? And describe how to get to her house from your house?'
[prolonged silence]
[Emily's dad lunges for the charity representative]