To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

Yes.

I'm fairly certain that someone took advice on the possibility of contesting my husband's will, only to find that they couldn't. (In fact, they were given a bit more than their legal entitlement.) I think that they had assumed that his estate was larger than it actually was.

They would have been told that they had no grounds to contest the will.

How is it fair that 2 children have to give up their money because older relatives say they should? Why is it fair that 2 children then have to start their futures in a worse off financial position because other people deem this a ‘fair’ solution? Are the relatives asking the charity to give up a portion of their inheritance too? Do you think they should? Of course not, so why should the children? Honestly …

But if she had no relationship with the cousin while she does with the OPs son's it's perfectly understandable. She has no biological relationship with any of them.
And she gave the rest of her Estate to charity so she obviously hasn't got a close relationship with her adult in laws.

If I was me and it looked like my child had been accidentally left out, I’d hope their cousins would split the money.

However, I wouldn’t be handing over the youngest child’s third right now anyways; they wouldn’t get it until they were 18 and I wouldn’t be handing it to exSIL to spend how she wishes.

If I'm understanding correctly, the deceased is a great-aunt through marriage? The other relatives know that that they have no grounds to contest the will, which is why they're trying to bully the recipients.

They can go whistle.

Was thinking exactly this - either completely made up to try to guilt trip your DS, or even worse, the parents have been putting these type of thoughts into the mind of a child- ruining her life- what young child thinks that?

Exactly. When I was 10, not going to Disneyland was “ruining my life”, not missed opportunities on the future housing ladder.

A will is someones wishes and should be abided by. If the relative wanted to leave money to this other child then he would have included them in the will, he hasn't so therefore they don't get a penny.

Having read OPs updates I don't think OP's children are under any obligation to share anything. The behaviour of the in laws is terrible .

I assume that 'Emily' is the cousin that isn't mentioned in the will? If she is younger than both your children, why on earth would anyone even tell her that she isn't in the will but her cousins are? They are deliberately causing drama and division to guilt-trip your son into doing what they want.

I'd block them all and tell your son to block them too. You divorced your awful husband so don't let you or your kids be pulled back into his toxic family dynamics again.

I suspect this is very true.. good point.

The problem is, the implications are very far reaching. It's likely to completely fracture the relationship with that side of the family. Would the eldest DC be ok with never having contact again with his grandparents, aunt and cousin in the worst scenario (assuming the father would remain in contact? Is it worth £17K (or whatever the amount actually is) to keep the family contact going?
If it is, then it shouldn't be distributed in the way they suggest, as it's unfair to the eldest.
I would ask to see a copy of the will, or at least ask when it was written, to ascertain the date of it. if it was written after the cousin's birth, I wouldn't support making a payment to them. If before, then it may be fairer to redistribute in some way to give the cousin a donation- and it IS a donation.
In the long term, assuming that the there is money to bequeath, the grandmother is likely to rewrite her will in favour of the cousin to redress the balance.

@IfIHadAHeart , having read primarily your own posts, it sounds as though you have your shit together and your priorities straight, and it sounds as though this has not been easy to achieve, so I just wanted to say, well done.

I would actually encourage eldest not to share it as how does he know younger sibling will even share later on?!! He is correct the deceased wished it to go to these two boys and no one else! Honor those wishes and tell eldest that sometimes people can become greedy when they hear about inheritance so best to block any negative messages.

I come from a family with very little drama going on, and I am glad of it. I can't imagine it would be a devastating blow to see very little in the future of a man who can pin a woman against the wall by her throat in a public place because he thinks she's disrespecting his brother or brother-in-law.

I'm getting the impression that everyone in this family, including the deceased, live(d) fairly close to each other. In that case, I would be amazed if the deceased had not heard about the incident in the pub. She probably decided there and then she didn't want a penny of her money finding its way into that man's hands.

It’s always interesting that this is always framed in a way that suggests it’s the beneficiary’s fault for not sharing, and not the fault of those that think themselves entitled to money that isn’t theirs. It’s always the beneficiary that is expected to be frightened of the prospect of the loss of relationships too.

If the OP’s DC have to give up money that is rightfully theirs in exchange for relationships, then they’re arguably not relationships worth maintaining.

I think you've been very wise to keep your Ex-Inlaws at arm's length @IfIHadAHeart because the more you write the worse they sound. I doubt "Emily" is sobbing over her ruined future when she's 10 or 11, it's just pure and simple emotional blackmail which comes as no surprize after the stalking, verbal abuse and the physical violence from your Ex BIL.

It is a WILL. A legally binding document.
OP has been absorbing the ‘far reaching’ tentacles of this family for years. Years of abuse and horrific behaviour.
If the money had been left and there was a close family involved who were fair and kind, there MIGHT be a conversation to have.
The Will did not say ‘I am leaving my estate to OP’s kids and to charity but by the way OP feel to cave in when the fuck wit family come for you.’
The deceased knew these were bad people. A will like this has a clear message - I am
leaving my estate to people who deserve it.
If these ‘people’ had expected more, maybe they should be nicer people.
It is FAFO in action.

I wrote my previous post an hour or two ago then got interrupted by a visitor and actually posted it later, without realising how much the thread had moved on!

Why is is shitty? This is a great-aunt through marriage. She's chosen to leave most of her money to charity.

I suspect that she's given bequests to the two young people with whom she feels she has some form of relationship.

When one of my aunts died, she left the bulk of her estate to the nieces with whom she'd had most contact - no, I wasn't one of them. This seems perfectly fair to me. (One family member was upset, but the rest of us understood.)

Wills bring out the worst in people. When DH's ex's partner died, he left all of his estate to DH's ex. This was what most people expected.

The one person who complained bitterly was DH's son-in-law who - he declared - had expected something to be left to his child because the child had called the partner "Grandad." I was somewhat baffled by this: the child would receive an inheritance from the ex in the course of time (and was already receiving reasonably generous gifts from the ex/grandmother and from my husband and myself).

But a really shitty thing for the deceased to do

The deceased left the money - HER money, not a family resource to be tapped into and shared around after her death - as she wanted.

Oh good lord, no, the deceased has stated their wishes and those should be respected. It was up to them who they left their estate to.

I feel quite comfortable saying this as when both my parents died it transpired that they'd left my sister out of their wills. There are 3 of us, i.e. sisters, in total. We suspected that they hadn't updated their wills from a million years ago when they had some beef with the guy my sister had married - you know, the same guy who was so adored by them towards the end that they wanted him to give their eulogies. We split the money 3 ways, i.e. me and the other sister gifted the money to the left out sister. It was the right thing for us to do because we felt that it more properly represented the wishes of our parents.

Easily done! This thread has pulled a lot of us in.

This is between your children and the person who bequeathed them the money. The rest of them can mind their own business. I'm sure your ex husband also inherited so if he has such a strong opinion, he can share his with the cousin.

I honestly think this is very serious.
This is an attempt to thwart a will.

The law of Protection from Criminal Harrassment 1997 comes into play here.

Please take screenshots of everything and email the solicitor involved executing the will.

This is really shocking.
Your son is a young adult being harrassed, as are you.

Hand it all over to the solicitor.