To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

I’m sure this wasn’t your intention, but thanks for making me laugh. In fairness you wouldn’t be far off the mark, were it to happen.

I suppose it’s progress that I can laugh about it now many years later.

Pretty much all inheritances involve the beneficiaries keeping money that they did not earn.

OP's ex-husband's family are obviously a load of grabby arseholes, and two of them, OP's ex-DH who stalked and harassed her for a year and her ex-BIL who actually physically assaulted her should probably be in prison.

The relative by marriage who included OP's children in her will and left the rest to charity was obviously well aware of what a toxic family both she and OP had married into and, in her own way, tried to put this right via these two legacies for OP's children.

How does anyone “earn” an inheritance.

How is that the case when the ex hasn't been left a brass penny?

@Ubbert Someone has something they didn’t earn so must share it with anyone who asks? May we then have an accounting of everything you possess? I’m quite certain you have more than us of something and it will need to be divided amongst us. Though obviously it won’t be wits.

The ‘truth’ is very easy to pull out when you are the benefitting party, as I’ve said. ‘Oh well, what can we do best just keep this lovely money and not think too hard about whether it’s fair’ seems to be the whole sentiment. The whole thing is hiding behind legality and how they don’t ‘have’ to share. The details of how it will be done - from the eldest or the youngest are simply details, the principle is that you have no intention sharing it whatever age your kids are.

I’ve said twice already that how PIL manage their estate is up to them, not me or my DC.

Yeah, you’ve said when it’s not a reality at the moment so very easy to claim you wouldn’t be bothered. I’ve said twice that I don’t believe that will be the case should it happen.

Wills are the intentions of the person writing them. They will be upheld as gospel by those they benefit and be argued against by those it doesn’t. They are not divine however - that is only the championed view of those that get the money. Of course you can share the money - dead people’s feelings don’t get hurt - but you don’t want to. That’s really all there is here and I guess you’re on Mumsnet to have people agree with you that that’s OK, and you have your wish.

Do not agree to changing things. No is a full sentence. Do not feel guilty. You did not create this situation. Stand firm with your son.

Having once been in a will war, it’s the blackest humour dug into trenches, buried, stomped on and dug up again.
You have the upper hand here and the law on your side.

I’m not suggesting the relative would be hurt if it were shared.

I think anyone would be hurt to think the beneficiaries of their will would be bullied and guilt tripped though. Where do you stand on that, I wonder?

I stand to gain nothing either way, and have no influence over what happens. That’s up to my DC, and my job is to look out for them.

As opposed to the family demanding money they didn’t earn?

No, not ‘opposed to’ at all - in exactly that same way that they want money they didn’t earn. Money shows everyone’s greedy side. Those that receive it, and those that don’t.

After reading the quoted message I think you should tell the executer (in writing)that pressure is already being put on your children to give up some of their inheritance and this money must be kept in trust until your youngest is 18 and it is released to them. Tell them if your child does not receive their full inheritance at 18 you intend to sue the executer as you have fore warned them that your ex's family cannot be trusted to safeguard this money.

Hi op I think it’s clear how the relative felt about the others if he’s left his estate to charity he cared more about charity than family which happens a lot so you or your ds is not wrong to accept his wishes. It’s not your dc fault he preferred them. Just say one more time to them my dc will not be sharing any of the money gifted to them the will didn’t include sibling or cousin so he obviously meant that to happen.

Agreed, and since the children don’t receive it until they are adults and there is no legal way to change the distribution before then, it will be up to the children and most certainly not their father.

I think the answer lies there. “We are unable to alter the terms of the will and so there is no reason to discuss it further.”

I was, by the way, little Emily in this circumstance and not one of us objected. My great-aunt left 1/4 of her estate each to her niece (my father’s sister) and to her two daughters. They lived in the same town and were very close. I lived far away and though she was kind and I am sure loved me, we didn’t receive anything. It didn’t cross our minds to even consider it should have been otherwise.

Funny / Sad part of the story was that her (nearly estranged) son, at the reading of the will heard he was left “a quarter” and went ballistic thinking his mother had literally left him .25 cents. Glad he was wrong! He may not have deserved more but he did get an equal share.

So now they are sending emotionally abusive messages to your son that ‘Emily is crying because her future is ruined’
What a load of rubbish and why does ‘Emily’ even know about the money/will if she is 11…
Just block their numbers, obviously you still need to speak to your ex because you have a minor child but tell him in no uncertain terms you don’t want to hear anything else about the will.
I suspect the percentage was left because it was your children that made the effort to interact with their Great Aunt, and no one else did…
I think they should keep the money and that their Aunt would probably be disappointed if they caved and gave in.
Don’t let them be manipulated by people who only care for themselves.
Sounds like you are well out of that family!

The OP said the person didn't die suddenly, so assuming they had cancer or similar I'm sure they would have reflected on what was in their will and changed it if they wanted to.

It's not appropriate to pressure and decide for your youngest as they are too young to consent. It's very greedy to take it that far, and could cause relationship problems later.

Only one ‘side’ is being greedy here, and it isn’t OP’s. They’re keeping money that is rightfully theirs. The in laws are demanding a share of money that has nothing to do with them.

I think they did in this case by actually having a relationship with the deceased that made that person wish to bequeath them something?

It seems to have had nothing to do with the family aspect. It wasn’t a matter of “I want to leave all of the great nieces and nephews of my deceased spouse part of my estate.” It was a matter of “I am leaving this to John and James, children who I developed a relationship with over time.”

The kids could have been neighbors or whatever. It was obviously about them personally, not about some obscure my-distant-family-by-marriage connection. Otherwise, why not leave it to their dad and Wife of the strangler?

Hahaha you're bonkers!! Are you the mother-in-law?

This is how craaaaazy people can get when money is involved.

I can only assume that Ubbert is an old-school hard-line Communist who thinks property is theft and nobody should be able to leave anything to anyone. It should all go to the state. I'm in my 60s. I remember the days of the Cold War and how grim life behind the Iron Curtain sounded, and how corrupt the regime was. No thanks.

The whole thing is hiding behind legality and how they don’t ‘have’ to share.

Abiding by the terms of a will isn't 'hiding behind legality,' it is fulfilling the wishes of the deceased as expressed in a legal document. Blimey, there's some real ignorance on here about what a will is and isn't.

And no, they don't have to share at all.

I get the feeling that this business of a will and 'sharing' is deeply personal for that poster.

Absolutely this. By definition the ‘legality’ is all about the expressed wishes of the deceased. Otherwise what’s the point of making one ?

OP couldn’t decide for her youngest if she wanted to. The money is in trust and can’t be touched until he is 18.

"Of course you can share the money - dead people’s feelings don’t get hurt - but you don’t want to"

Actually the OP cannot share the money. It isn't hers!