To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

This was clearly intended - not a missed name off by accident situation.

Your DS are named not children of and there were years to add this cousin if that was wanted.

You back you kids here and tell them to ignore the unreasoanable pressure from ex family. It's not up to them what this relative did with their estate and it could be seen as disrepectful to deceased to redistribue ie ignore thier last wishes.

ex-MIl can make if fair with her own estate -- ie her money not other family members.

Refused to engage and tell eldest that's an option for them as well - it's not MIL or his dad money and people are always fair with other people's time and money IME when it has no cost to them.

I must admit if I were in a similar position and had considered sharing the money, the minute they started to pressure me would be the minute I changed my mind and kept it all for myself.

I've been executor for several wills during my life and any time something like this has happened my reply has been "why do you want to go against your dead relative's wishes?" (And this even before I say "..and by the way I couldn't even legally do what you're asking"). But families are different and YMMV.

Everything else aside -

Your youngest can’t touch theirs. So why on earth should the even younger excluded cousin end up with more (spendable now) money than even your eldest would be left with?

I’d have felt it was fair to give an amount to the youngest cousin - also in trust until they’re 18 as a goodwill gesture.

However being told I had to would absolutely make me swing the other way.

So insane that I'm considering campaigning for 100% inheritance tax...

You can bet your life, if your dc had not been left anything, but the current ‘missing out’ cousin was left ‘x’ %, no way would his family be saying “ooh but you must share this with your 2 cousins”. Absolutely no way at all.

As has been previously said, the deceased had 10 years, fully compos mentis to the end, to change his will. He clearly didn’t want to do that.

OP, I would get a copy of the will as soon as is possible, do everything to ensure the will is carried out lawfully, and ensure your dc keep all their inheritance, as per the wishes of the deceased, and Will instructions.

You can't possibly agree to this suggestion for all sorts of reasons. Not least because your eldest doesn't want to, secondly your youngest may not agree when they come of age. Step back.

I know it’s caused an issue but I want to offer a chef’s kiss to the deceased. I have a will and if it needed to be amended to take care of a new family member, it would be amended.
This person knew exactly what they were doing and with good reason. Otherwise they’d have left the other part of their estate to their sibling and this younger cousin and not to charity.
But they didn’t.
They probably knew that OP had been at the end of a shitty stick attached to this family, and clearly had a warm relationship with the DC involved here, who were just been lovely kids. They weren’t doing anything here for their own gain, they are just good kids.
So I would say support your own kids and leave this nest of vipers to their own mess.
Is this will a big middle finger to this family? Absolutely it is.
Let the ex MIL sort out the cousin. And maybe it’s a lesson in playing silly games, and getting silly prizes. Or in this case, no prizes.
I only wish the deceased had left a letter of wishes to the OP, saying there was provision for her DC as fabulous kids, and the rest was going to the nearest cats’ home as who would want to leave a penny to this gang of fuck wits?

When my Nan died she left money 5 ways. To my mum, me and sister and 2 grandchildren. Her will had not been updated to included my 2 children ( her otherv 2 grandchildren). We agreed to split the money 7 ways instead of 5 to make it fair .

So why didn't they write their will accordingly if this is the case?

They can butt out, nothing to do with them, and not their money to have an opinion on

@IfIHadAHeart you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. You are supporting your children including your eldest which is how it should be. The relative left the money as they wished and that should be respected.
What others would do is irrelevant.
Your children sound like caring individuals who looked after others and are a credit to your parenting. Your ex putting pressure on them is a sad reflection on him.

I get it but… what would you havedone if dc1 got all and your own dc2 got none? Would you have tried to balance out? Or told dc2 that the person preferred the eldest kid..?

Or assumed that the person wrote the will ages ago and just forgot re dc2.

i dont know what you should do. But bear in mind that
1 cousins may be resentful
2 if mil have a house etc it maybe that they decide to completely leave your 2 dc out of their wills. Or give the cousin the difference now or extra pocket money.
3 the interest on the money. So if you made dc1 give cousin the money now the interest is lost for them. Dc2 gets the interest. Though you could try to just split all at 18.

obviously if was 33k or 50k etc could mean difference between lifelong student debt for the kid or a house.

One of my kids was left out of their ggm will and because it was only a very small amount it was may up by the remains in the will.

However a very youbg child say 5yo has a lot of time for parents/grandparents to make up the money or for any money to grow. Whereas an 18+ may need for uni. Or your eldest might just waste it or decide to pay the uni fees so its all gone.

The law is clear. The will is clear. No-one has to do anything or give any money to anyone else. The children have inherited and it is theirs. Everything else is emotional manipulation.

In an ideal world probably yes.

but its far easier in your situation when you are already comfortable, it's a clear cut one (eg. child significantly younger born post will and all others included bar them...) and it doesnt cost you much.

In your circs you were looking at a max 14.29% reduction which was then further reduced to what? 7% or 4.5% as your contribution was being matched by parents / aunt&uncle.

This is a 33% drop (vs your 7/4.5%) which for the eldest is even lower and we dont know if its 2 years or 10....Then there is the issues of time in market and money now vs money later...

Inheriting 150k at 20 is infinitely more useful than 400k at 60.

OPs eldest needs and wants it now not in x years..

@IfIHadAHeart YANBU

If the will is clear and the maker of the will had full capacity what your ex-MIL believes is completely irrelevant- that's what the deceased wanted, that's what they should get.

It can be awkward around cousins and inheritances...

It's potentially coming in my own family... My mum is fairly wealthy, and while the vast majority of her estate will go to my sister and I, she also plans to leave a couple of £10ks to 5 of her 12 great-nieces/nephews. The 5 who will get something are children/teens she sees multiple times a year and has had a lot to do with them since birth. Of the other 6, 2 are almost grown men, who until very recently, she'd only met twice. 2 more are aged about 9 and 5 and she only met them for the first time this summer, when a family bereavement bought us together. The next two are about 13 and 11, and she's only met them once, at a wedding about 6 years ago. The final one is about 3, and she's never met him.

Of course, she fully understands that distance is a thing, roads work in both directions, and everyone's busy, but she also doesn't see why she should leave any money to children she's barely ever met and doesn't know.

I just know it's going to cause ructions, especially as she's including ALL of the grandkids of one of her sisters, and NONE of the grandkids of her other sister. My sister and I are just putting our heads down and hoping for the best!

MIL can adjust her will to compensate if she thinks there’s an imbalance. Your children can do what they like with their inheritance.

Stick to your guns, OP. It would not be fair to disrespect the deceased's wishes. I would be furious if my specific requests in my will were disregarded.

No one has a right to inherit. No one. People should be free to bequeath to whoever they wish. This lady clearly held OPs DC in high esteem. They’re maybe lovely young people who cheered her up when they visited. It’s entitled and disrespectful of exDHs family to plough in wishing to override the deceased’s wishes. OP you’re doing right imho to support your DCs. Where there’s a will there’s a greedy family and this lot should be ignored. ExMILs suggestion is preposterous. TF you have little to do with them.

Encouragement is not coercion.

Thanks for everyone’s input - it’s appreciated.

I’ve spoken again to eldest DC this morning. He’s unaware of the wider family dynamics - as I said I’ve never badmouthed the family to my DC and have supported them in maintaining a fairly decent relationship with exPIL without my involvement. I have not told him about the increasingly unpleasant messages I’ve received as I don’t want it to colour his view.

He feels the will is the wishes of the person and that it wouldn’t be right to go against what they wanted. He’s still young really and can be naive, and so he’s a bit confused as to why anyone is even asking him to go against what the relative has said. He’s had messages telling him that “Emily” has been crying about it because her future is ruined. I don’t get the vibe from him that it’s about greedily clinging onto an as yet unknown amount of money. More that a will is just that - the persons will/wishes. If I thought he was acting from selfish or greedy motivations I would urge him to think carefully, but it’s not like he’s mentally spending the money and debating whether he values buying a nicer car over his relationship with the cousin (as an example, he hasn’t mentioned anything other than saving any money).

I don’t intend to engage with any of the in-laws. If the messages continue today I will likely send one text to exH asking for all communication in relation to the will to stop, without being drawn either way on what I think DCs should do.

DC is being guilt tripped and I’m just receiving outright abuse over my parenting, morals and raising cruel and selfish children. My only priority really is to protect my DC, and that has more to do with their welfare than money they didn’t even know they were getting this time last week.

If either DC has a change of heart in the future I will support that, if it is genuine and not due to being pressured or guilted into it.

Your son is absolutely right. If somebody tried to change my will I would be very upset. The will needs to be respected.

That’s awful that they are putting pressure on your son!

What gives you the right to give away £17k of somebody else's inheritance?

In what way does that make you "a good person"?

Bearing in mind the ex's family are all "terrified" of one of the parents of the excluded cousin I suspect the testator had very good reasons for excluding them that you are in no position to second guess.

Treating people equally isn't necessarily a route to fairness

Fairness is carrying out the testator's wishes

It is quite odd that someone would think they're even able to give away bequests made to their children, much less that breaking the law in this way would make them a good person.