To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

But you can be in sound mind and it not occur to you (particularly if home written will kit) to add a clause to include future children.

What if the third, youngest child, now age 11 was OPs. It would be pretty clear that their omission was only because the 13yr old will hadn't been updated since their birth.

If I'd intended my will be be split amongst the children in the family, then my wishes aren't being honoured.

If I'd written my will with the 11yo alive at the time, then I have clearly chosen them not to be part of my inheritance and my wishes are being honoured.

Just two direct bequests to OP's two children and all the rest to charity? It's obvious that the deceased had the measure of OP's ex-husband's awful family and actively did not want them to benefit from her estate.

OP has put up with stalking from her ex-husband and physical violence from her ex-brother-in-law. Why on earth would she take steps to give away her sons' inheritance to pass it over to a violent family of arseholes?

No one has a right to someone else's money. If a married in uncle made a decision to give his money to your children, his decision should be respected and adhered to. It was his money, not the in-laws. This man clearly didn't like that branch of the family and didn't want to give them his money. Don't dishonour his final wishes by undoing what he specifically said he wanted doing with his estate.

If you caved on this, you would be failing your own children. This money is theirs and if I were you I'd be keeping a very close eye on my eldest, to ensure he wasn't being pressured from mil etc. She needs to be very firmly told to keep her sticky beak out of it! If she feels that strongly, she can adjust her own will!

Don't be rushed into a decision and make it clear any pressure to do so won't go down well. Legally you don't need to do anything. Morally I would at the very least want to do some digging to try and understand why one cousin was cut out. There may be a good reason. I take it no accompanying letter explained? If I couldn't find a good reason I would probably split it equally but only give it to the cousin IF they are of age and you can be sure his mother can't access. This is all a moot point however because it's not your money. It's your DC's and ultimately up to them. Your job is to protect them from attack from the disgruntled cousin and his mother.

OP says in an update that it was FiL’s brother and that he died. PiL stayed close to SiL after he passed.

The relatives are money grabbing. The rude emails just confirm they are not interested in building better long-term family relationships.

Spot on.

Stick to the letter of the will. If either of your DSs choose to share any of the money at whatever stage then that is fine, but pressure from relatives should be ignored.

This. They sound controlling and they are never happy with what anyone does anyway 🤷‍♀️

I think MiL is jealous she didn’t get some! Just ignore all of them. I’d be pissed if I wrote a will, and then when I was dead people decided to change what I wanted!

Well the relative is now deceased so they’ll never know. Since there’s a clear will, assumptions aren’t legal in the distribution of the estate, so l don’t see how they have any other option but to follow it.

The cousin is now about 10 I understand so deceased had 10 years to update will , knew they were dying and didn't. Ignore the noise from ex-family. Suggest if they want money they go after the charity, after all what relation are they to the deceased, how dare they have their money. They won't - and why - because its nuts but exactly the same. Is anyone here saying to the charity be kind share your money? No! People have just seen a chance to be grabby and try and take advantage of your childern's good natures. Fuck them off.

OP, from what you’ve described of the will, a reasonable interpretation would be that because the deceased relative a) did not leave any other relative (including a sibling) any money except your two children, b) made sure under 18 inheritance is in a trust and c) chose to leave the remainder to charity, that the deceased wished to restrict the inheritance. So, you are not being unreasonable. It’s a pity there was no letter with the will, with the increase in challenges to wills, leaving a letter explaining choices was recommended to us.

You need to re-read OP’s posts. The father of the cousin (her ex-BIL) assaulted her in public. That is not the same person who has left the DC money.

Two requests because potentially they were the only two alive at the time

Yes, totally agree it sounds like they've skipped the adults, for whatever reason. Maybe they felt it more important to give the younger generation a boost. Maybe they didn't like the adults.

OP is only interested in answers that allow her DC to keep everything regardless. And they can. But pretending you're "honouring wishes" when you suspect it's because of a timing technicality that would otherwise include the youngest child, is very disingenuous.

If the will was post 3rd child's birth, then there is no discussion to be had. They were deliberately omitted and it is honouring the wishes of the deceased to stick to that.

Why are you even engaging with her over this? If she wants to take it up with anyone and be told to mind her own business it should be your ex, her son, not you.

Exactly this. This is not OP's relative and therefore OP role here is to support her DC. That's it.
Questions of fairness and reasons for why the will was done in x way are none of OP's business. That is something the family of the deceased can discuss amongst themselves. They could have, for example, approached DC and said "hey Xx forgot to update their will since little Emily was born. Do you think you can consider giving Emily a contribution from your inheritance?".

But no, they've said none of this. Demanded a patently unfair solution and then texted OP to tell her the DC are selfish. OP hasn't made the decision! Her DS has and she is supporting them. All these posters demanding dates of when it was written etc - pointless. None of that is relevant. DC has chosen not to share. OP is supporting her son and that is all that OP needs to do.

Yep, apologies, just re-read. Mixed up the now deceased relative of PiL with the parents of cousin. My bad.

You’re reaching further and further to justify this. The only two people in the family to benefit are OP’s kids. The rest went to charity. That suggests that the beneficiaries were carefully chosen and the rest of the family intentionally left out.

Her ex is on board with it.

If the will was written before the birth of dc3 then the only two people to benefit are the children in the family who were alive at the time of writing.
Sorry if you find that a reach to understand.

I don’t. But given what OP has said about the family dynamics l don’t find it difficult to believe that the relative carefully chose the beneficiaries before pointedly leaving the rest to charity.

None of us have seen the will, including the OP, but it's sounding very much as if it was worded something like this

80% of my estate to go to the Home for Wayward Dogs
10% to go to John Bloggs, 1 Anytown Lane, Anytown A1A 1AA
10% to go to Peter Bloggs, 1 Anytown Lane, Anytown A1A 1AA

As opposed to 'And the remainder of my estate to be divided equally between the children of my husband's nieces and nephews', which is surely what the deceased would have written if that's what she wanted.

Im not suggesting she ask them to share rather to just to think about their decision and reflect before deciding and support them either way.

Young people will of course hear inheritance and think "mine" but this decision may impact their relationship with their dad grandma aunty and cousin.. and they have to be comfy in what they want. Its not OPs fault they were asked but they have been and their choice unfortunately has consequences so Id want mine to be sure they were sure this was what they wanted.

A will is a legally binding document. You can't come along and make up what's in it after the deceased has gone. It's like me saying 'Yes I know my marriage certificate says DH, but that's because I hadn't met Tom Hardy at that point - so really his name should be on it.'