Women on Mumsnet

[BunnyInTheRavine]

I'm on maternity leave and have been using Mumsnet since the beginning of my leave.
I have been quite shocked at the way that women speak to one another on this platform. For context I'm 38 and was dragged up by older brother so throughout my life have often been quite blokey for want of a better word. In my 20's and 30's due to my work I have worked with people often quite a lot younger than me, and the best thing I have learnt from the younger women is non judgement and to raise each other up! It's been wonderful. I'm so thankful that my line of work enables me to be able to learn from younger generations ( I'm not suggesting they don't have faults, they can also be overtly judgemental, but when it comes to this one topic I find them great) their bringing up of women is truly fab!
So I guess it's
Yanbu- women on Mumsnet seem to appear quite harsh/ haven't learnt to raise each other up yet!
Aibu- women on Mumsnet feel they are in a safe space so say exactly how they feel no matter if it seems harsh or not.

You had me in the first half and then came your own weird misogynistic bit.

This seems like a great example of what OP means...

Definitely like to know when I'm being a twat 😂❤️

The internet in general is where people feel more able to say what they think without prettifying it. Hence all the threats of rape and violence on male dominated forums.

The internet is also where people take out the frustrations and aggressions they can’t, or don’t have room to express IRL, and grind the political and ideological axes their friends are tired of hearing about.

In my experience, MN is where women give one another the tough love and cautionary tales they wish they could give their younger selves (‘Leave NOW! It will only get worse!’)

But, in a tale as old as time, younger people are full of idealism, and hypnotised by delusions of romance, and convinced that we’ve achieved full gender equality in everything, and driven by a perverse inclination to rehabilitate hopeless men because for some reason it’s misandry not to give them chance after chance after chance to fuck up and take you down with them.

And for people like me who’ve been around long enough to lose the rose tinted spectacles, it becomes so intolerable watching generation after generation of women sleepwalking into the meat grinder of awful relationships with selfish men, that we can’t be arsed being gentle and polite with our advice anymore, and can’t stifle our irritation when posters seem hellbent on driving their lives off a cliff to pursue a cursed romance with an obvious wrongun.

If we seem harsh or grumpy, it’s because we’re furious with our younger selves for landing us in messes that we’ve spent our 30s and 40s desperately trying to get out of. We’re furious at the impossibility of helping others avoid the pitfalls we fell into, because we’re all doomed only to learn by experience.

Most people on here mean well but come across badly, or are full of rage with no outlet IRL.

And the smug judgemental ones are
riddled with anxieties and insecurities so unbearable that that they can only cope by splattering them around onto everyone else. These are the ones that wind me up most.

Oh fuck off with your idiocy.

Come back from your mum's cellar when men actually stop murdering and raping women.

Misandy my arse.

You think young women raise each other up?

How so? And what are their opinions on older women?

How can you complain about women being mean, then in the same post be so mean yourself? Read your own last two sentences again. Do they sound like the sort of thing someone trying to uplift other women would say? Women hate men because they have crap husbands, and that's their own fault? You think that is a kind, uplifting thing to say about other women?

Your observation is correct OP. There's a really annoying trend for tearing down anyone who starts a post on MN lately. And also people starting really goady posts designed to deliberately rile others up. I'm not saying i think we should all patronise each other and be disingenuous, it's possible to make alternative points without being a snarky cunt about it.

Go sister! Wooo!
You got this girl!
Some other meaningless platitudes about your hair and cute outfit.
Better?

It’s the anonymity. There’s a difference between giving tough love and just being mean for the sake of the thrill it gives them behind the computer screen. I’ve made threads about relationship issues and was absolutely torn apart by people who clean hadn’t read the whole post and just wanted to make me feel like shit. People can say it’s good to have a space for honesty but it is a fact some posters on here just want to be mean anonymously.

I just feel like on the posts that I've read people are very quick to judge. I do often feel people post stupid shit TBF,and are just looking for validation. But there doesn't seem to be much balance in people's responses. For example I've come to the conclusion that I am of a much lower wage than a lot of posters on here, but when I give a response I try to put myself in the posters shoes, or what I believe to be the posters views. Rather then have a knee jerk reaction to the fact that I can't relate literally.

what is the point of this comment? It’s not funny or edgy. Just unnecessary.

As someone who has been on MN for 22 years, I don't really understand why posters hang out on a site they hate.
Wouldn't it be easier to go to a bloke's site- which are famously supportive- or indeed a site for women who 'raise each other up'?

and the best thing I have learnt from the younger women is non judgement and to raise each other up!

And yet you are here being judgemental.

Do you think it's only women who post here?

Ok I won't, thank you!

Very well written 👏🏻

You need raising up? What does that even mean? It kind of implies you’re a little bit pathetic and want constant reassurance that you’re nothing of the sort. I don’t know if it’s anyone’s job to raise you up.
Posters on here being snarky are just as likely to be sad little incels beating down women the only way they can. Or they might be women who are just not nice. They could be anything really but what they don’t have to be is kind. That bollocks can get in the sea.
Someone being a twat is very easily ignored. Threads can be hidden. Engagement is not mandatory.

Is netmums (nethuns) still a thing? You never hear about it on here anymore like you used to

YANBU and you seem to have opened the floodgates with this thread as well! 😬

It's definitely not all or I'd say even the majority of posters, but there's a level of vitriol on here from some that I find quite baffling. Like people come on looking for an argument. I think it's similar to how road rage supposedly increased since COVID, people see it as a safe space to let their worst sides out.

And no, I don't think you or anyone else is saying this is the most pressing problem in the world today; I also know the difference between giving someone firm or blunt advice that they could do with hearing, compared to just getting needlessly nasty and/or wilfully misunderstanding people as some do.

Tbh I am still unsure what about that has shocked you. People can be quite bad at putting themselves in other people's shoes and commenting without judging them. I don't think that's a MN problem or a women problem.

Have you ever read the comments sections under news articles on sites that allow commenting? MN is a joy and a delight in comparison!

Good question about Nethuns. Is it still a thing? Wasn’t it the case that you could get banned for not being ‘nice’ 😂
They probably just dissolved into a slimy mess of glittery farts and insincere hunning.

You are definitely being a twat. I manage to lift my friends and inspire my children to be the best they can. I do it all by not dumping on women of a different age or generation.

Can you not just think to yourself that the women you work with are lovely? My team (mostly women) are great. All age from 20
to 70.

You see two schools of thought. The first is that men are killing women and Mumsnet is a better alternative so stop complaining (I don’t entirely disagree) and another is that who cares if you’re a women and I’m a women, you need to be brought down to earth with a sharp tongue and no shits given. Women are often the most critical of other women, possibly because they have to deal with shit so you should too. There’s often a lack of women speaking to other women with empathy and manners, giving them the benefit of the doubt or trying to see something from a different perspective. I agree that there’s so many challenges women face, we should be sticking together as much as possible and trying to be kinder.

Sorry I am new to it, I am not trying to be mn is so mean. I guess I have just found a lot of the stuff I have read to be unnecessarily rude and obviously not well informed given that people only ask a questions that are fairly short. For context this is the first Aibu I have done so it isn't from a grievance that I have written this. And as another poster has written it isn't just women so I was wrong on that note. But I feel like people forget that their life experiences may be dramatically different to others, so maybe some caution should be taken when responding.

AIBU can be harsh, well sometimes it sounds harsh but often it's harshly spot on. There are many, many other threads that are supportive and often lots of very, very funny stuff. I think you do have to factor in that online and anonymous forums do lend themselves to people saying things they wouldn't say in person because it feels anonymous and
safe.

Some unsolicited advice: don't post on AIBU and don't judge MN by AIBU. Go to the various sub-forums. Plenty of support to be had there.
I remember when we had no AIBU and the most controversial subject was Gina Ford. Good times.