To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

NHS Yorkshire Hospital food...I think I often had to request the cheese to go with the jacket potato. The idea of a protein to go with the salad just defeated them, the sausage roll was the entire meal. I had made enough if a fuss for freshness to be given a salad as well. ...you can see some of the thoughtful gifts / resources I was given too in the photos.

You weren't being unreasonable to think they could bring something or certainly that they could not eat your supplies without even asking. I take frivolous treats when someone is in hospital as I know it's depressing. They may not be as aware, but I think this also comes from taking your independence for granted and assuming you'll be capable like you always have been and will have everything sorted. Don't be afraid to say - cheerfully - to your daughter that you won't be your usual self for a bit and will appreciate her help. Hope you get some sleep tonight and feel better tomorrow 💐

That looks boring more than anything. But yes, a bit of butter on the potato so it's less dry and some protein with the salad would be much better.

Your daughter lives with you, I guess she didn't think you needed ' gifts ' - maybe ' gifts ' are at birthdays and Christmas etc. ?

Are you 100% sure the other patients visitors were direct family that live with the patient/s - or maybe they were actual visitors and don't see these patients every single day ? hence the ' gifts '

If you actually wanted ' lovely fresh fruit ' you should have told / asked her to buy you some ? do you eat a lot of lovely fresh fruit every day at home ?

as for sweets you have already said you had brought snacks in with you along with squash so didn't need 'drinks etc. ' brought in.

@BurnoutGP I obviously wont hold it against her and am very glad she has taken the time to help me. I will try and be selfish and needy and explicit in what I want/need the next few weeks. I am not very good at asking or allowing help.

For the sake of both of you during this recovery period it’s vital that you do indeed allow her to help. Today’s visit has shown you she isn’t a mind-reader and it is really really hard to look after someone when you can’t get it right. It may be something of a shock to her to see her strong capable mother like this for the first time, so quite the adjustment for both of you. Expect that she might need some guidance but tell her you aren’t necessarily always going to know what you want either… it’s complicated, but that last sentence of yours that I quoted is key: you need to ask for and allow her to give the help you need.

Certainly not good enough to rebuild shattered bone...I had to battle to get this...these are the after advocating for myself pictures 🥰 I feel for OP...the feeling like you matter is important

That's the thing - people in hospital need good nutrition. Hence I can't agree with all the bringing chocolate and cookies and other such 'treats'. Something small maybe, but the last thing someone recovering needs is sweets and junk food as general snacks.

When I visited my grandma twice a day for 3 weeks I didn’t take anything, no. The financial burden of driving 60 miles a day was already challenging, I couldn’t afford magazines etc on top. I don’t think that makes me a bad person, and I know my grandmother appreciated my company more than she’d have appreciated a magazine.

The other patients probably asked. I asked people to bring things when I was in hospital. If you want something you have to ask, or at least accept their offer when they say they will go to the shop.

They made the effort to come & visit you together on a Saturday evening and your daughter is taking unpaid leave to care for you afterwards. How lovely of her. Young people don't always do cards, gifts as older people do but she dedicating her time and will be their for you in your return home which means far more than a bunch of grapes OP

Especially when they feed you well in hospitals

This all sounds like an attention seeking childish situation

Dear @BurnoutGP ,I remember so well that feeling of hopelessness after an op and the feeling of being all alone and uncared for while in hospital. I am so sorry for you. And I'm sure that your dd loves you and you won't feel this way forever. Sending all good wishes.

Your fierce independence has created this situation. You now need to learn to ask for help. Don’t be sarcastic- you trained people not to help you. You teach people how to treat you

I'm very grateful to the thoughtful friends and family who visited me 1hr / 5hrs away and always brought something with them..a treat or a distraction

same. As a young adult you don't magically know all social norms until you experience them for the first time.

Also they might have been bearing in mind that you might not have felt like eating, lots of people don't after major ops, or might have been told to only eat certain foods by the doctor.

Or if this is the first time they've seen you post-op perhaps she just wanted to check on you so came straight to you rather than wandering round the shop first!

tbh I'm struck by the fact that she's taking time off work unpaid to look after you. Even on minimum wage that would be £500 a week she's losing. Sulking about not getting some percy pigs seems a bit ungrateful in light of that.

Yes she lives with you almost rent free but that's very normal for young people nowadays. Losing all your income for a few weeks/months isn't.

I had beautiful things from M&S full of good nutrition and treats...one for the body, the other for the spirit...or to share with others.

The need on here for people to validate their thoughtlessness and the arrogance that the visit itself is the treat ..just astounds me.

Different perspectives? I have visited people in hospital so I know that it can be a big effort to get there in visiting hours, find parking (can be a nightmare), pay for parking (often high), then battle home in often heavy traffic and then still having to feed the family not in hospital. So I'm entirely thankful for just the effort and for coming to see me at all.

My god you sound aweful im not being funny but if you had had major surgery you would be on painkillers and either nil by mouth or you wouldnt want food, if i was your daughter id be very upset and why does she need to take time off work,

Yes, I take “treats” in to hospital when I visit family. Might only be a newspaper - my Dad loves the Telegraph crossword - or fruit.
If it’s untouched when I go back I remove it.
Quite surprised by the responses. It’s just something to brighten a shitty day.

@BurnoutGP if you're "fiercely independently" they probably can't do right for doing wrong. It sounds like you saw others getting things and were put out you didn't get the same. I had major surgery in Jan, will get another in Nov. I honestly spent quite a bit of time sleeping. I had someone at home to look after the pets and gave them $ for groceries and hospital parking. They'd visit daily but not long hours as I was sleeping a lot. If I wanted eg a good coffee I'd ask. At home I'd ask for what I wanted. I don't expect people to be mind readers.

I'd say give them a break. If you want something ask for it, even when you go home.

I’m in hospital after a c section been in since Wednesday. I got things brought up to me yesterday because I asked for them and then the odd little sweet treat. I wouldn’t have got a thing had I not of asked for a few things.

Most people dont want food or snacks after major surgery,..they want to be left alone given drugs and be home asap,.

It is stressful having a family member in hospital having surgery. I’m sure your DD knew that you brought snacks and are independent. She probably assumed that you had enough. I’m sure they’ll bring something tomorrow.

She was wrong to eat your snacks and probably also wrong not to ask if you wanted entering bringing in but I think most people would assume bringing things like flowers would be more of a hassle than anything else? I think you are slightly expecting too much from her OP, it’s ok to feel vulnerable but she clearly cares a lot about you to take time off from work (unpaid) to look after you. Could that not be enough? She is showing how much she cares for you by doing that. Anyone can bring in a bunch of flowers and chocolates but not everyone would take unpaid leave from work to care for a loved one.