To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

Hope you get/got some rest OP, and hope you get home soon and are appropriately looked after.

Ignore the unpleasant people. I don't know anyone who doesn't bring SOMETHING when they visit someone in hospital, even if it's just a card. It's basic manners and you shouldn't have to ask. At the very least they could have asked if there was anything you particularly wanted or fancied from home before they left.

Last time I had a planned overnight stay, everyone brought fresh fruit, bar one who brought me a nice shower gel which was really thoughtful.

Is your daughter familiar with the social rules of hospital visiting? Flowers, cards, treats, magazines are all something she has to learn somewhere. Ask for a nice treat next time.

The consideration was visiting. However, I think she is rightly upset they were eating her snacks.

I normally ask, before I visit, "Would you like me to bring something?" "What about a decent coffee?" If they tell me they want something, I'll go out of my way to get it. If they say they don't want anything, I won't bring food or anything, but maybe a magazine or three for them to relax with. However, I think just visiting is the main gift.

I hope you recover well, OP.

Because its her mother and asking the sick to plan for their needs is uncaring

I’m a bit taken back by some of the comments on here. I have done a lot of hospital visits with parents and friends over the years and automatically tried to put myself in their position and think about what would make their stay more comfortable. On one occasion the food was so bad I took evening meals to my father. I always take easy to eat snacks and fruit, books, magazines, blanket, hand cream, wet wipes etc it comes naturally to want to do that. It shows my loved ones I care and value them.

So you'd bring a magazine or some other distraction?

I wouldn't go to hospital to visit my mum/relative/friend without something, seems natural to take a little present - even if just a decent cuppa, magazine, puzzle book or a small treat. It's weird not to to be honest.

I don’t think YABU. If I went to visit someone I‘d ask if I can bring anything. A magazine, some snacks or a crossword book. I most definitely wouldn’t be helping myself to your stuff!

Snap ☺️

I think you’re being a bit sensitive. It was a planned surgery so I’d have assumed you’d planned for it and that the hospital feeds you enough food to prevent you being hungry. What are you all doing that you require reams of snacks on top of 3 meals and two puddings a day?

Flowers would’ve been nice.

I do agree it was thoughtless of them. I would text the patient before visiting, to ask what I could bring them. If they weren’t able to eat snacks, I’d still bring SOMETHING, maybe a magazine or crossword book, or a little tube of hand cream. A kind gesture goes a long way when someone Is poorly.

I was always told you don’t go emptied handed when visiting someone in hospital. So I don’t. My mum spent a lot of time in hospital over the last year and some days I’d go in twice a day but always took her something. Even just a hot cuppa. The nurses use to say to me they’ve never seen the same person visit someone so much. I was as much as they’d allow. I also have my husband who’s been in a few times and I don’t leave his side but if I go out the room for a walk I’ll bring him something back. I hope your ok op and recovery is quick xx

You are assuming the provided food is edible, it often isnt

You're presuming the hospital food is edible - and that anyone after major surgery can stomach a full meal. Quite often a small nibble throughout the day is easier to cope with when recovering.

UK hospital food is pretty good nowadays

Oh I would be specifying what treats I was after from MandS. One person’s treats might do nothing for another person. Be specific: ‘pick up Percy Pig and pals miniatures please’. And if you don’t want to ask for flowers: ‘something to brighten the place up please’.

It depends on so many factors. If I am visiting someone who is having problems with their appetite I would definitely bring in tasty easy to swallow deserts ie creme caramel,rice pudding etc
. Flowers are a complete no nowadays
Maybe a decent coffee from Costa .
Depends how long someone is going to be in hospital.
My son had appendicitis during his ALevels …I brought in his Maths revision 😂

No it isn't as is documented by my life experience and My Hospital Plate daily posts naming hospitals in the UK on Facebook

Poor you op, i totally get you. I always take little gifts to people in hospital, a treat they might like or something to keep their spirits up. It’s normal thoughtfulness. I completely understand why you are pissed off.

i hope you get well soon and get back to independence without murdering anyone. It’s so annoying when you give more than you get but sadly it’s often the lot of women and especially mothers.

YABU, you’re not seeing the wood for the trees.

Your dd is taking unpaid time of work to care for you. That’s huge. That would cost you hundreds or thousands of pounds in care.

Don’t cause an issue over some grapes or flowers.

My mum had major planned surgery, we visited the hospital for hours each day, moved in to her house for a few weeks, cleaned her house, cooked her favourite meals, helped her to go the bathroom and shower.

Did we buy her flowers? No.

Was utterly vile when I was last in! For example, asked for the vegetarian sandwich for lunch. A grated carrot (which was turning black) and raisin sandwich on cheap brown bread arrived, not even any mayo. I mean, ffs. Didn't eat any hospital food for 5 days. The stuff my late FIL was served up, well, it was hard to recognise what it was supposed to be or what was actually made from.

Of course, you're not being unreasonable. Small gifts and thoughtful food items can make a world of difference to one's morale during recovery. Little gestures that show that people care.

Sometimes, you do have to tell people. Everyone can be a bit clueless, sometimes. You can do so jokingly, gently, however you feel comfortable. Hopefully, they'll take the hint.

In your heart of hearts, do you feel that you're worthy of receiving? 'Fiercely independent' can be code (even to oneself) for always having to be the responsible one, fear of rejection, feelings of unworthiness, etc. Maybe look to past hurts and rejections for clues. You might be protecting yourself, and others are picking up on that. Just a thought.

Sending you some flowers and a big hug! 💐

I think you're right, they should have bought you something, who visits someone in hospital empty handed??!!!

OP ignore everyone who says you are wrong. We feel how we feel. But don't take this as any reflection on you or how loved you are. Some people are really good at thinking about people eg my MIL is forever buying nice things for people just to cheer them up or making thoughtful gestures like doing the washing up when we had newborns. My family on the other hand are pretty hopeless as they just don't think about things like that - they'd quite happily do it if asked and aren't selfish people but are often just wrapped up in their own thoughts.

Next time - though hopefully there isn't one! - forewarn them. 'I am going to be feeling rubbish so a couple of little treats would really cheer me up.' If they then don't do it you could perhaps infer they don't care. But don't feel down about how loved you are or not. Also often if you are more independent people don't think about your needs because they have never had to, whereas others who always rely on people their family will be used to thinking 'Oh aunt Susan is in the hospital she will be a mess let's take her some chocolates and offer a lift home'.