To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

Fiercely independent eh! Public sector employee there im guessing...

Op, you have just had surgery and are probably a bit more sensitive understandably. Some treats would have been nice but I have visited hospital enough to realise that so many people don't even get visitors. This isn't just people without family. You just happened to be in a bay where the others were getting gifts. You could have easily been in a bay where the others had no visitors and were left watching you with your lovely daughter and step mum visiting feeling so alone.

Gifts don't equate to love.

I hope you heal well and all goes smoothly with your daughter helping you.

Well we don't all live in the UK. I loved the hospital meals here (well, not so much when I had to go on the low fat diet after surgery) and there was a fridge in the customer lounge with fruit and drinks for patients. I certainly wouldn't have wanted any of the things your friends brought in to you, I would have just found it all a bunch of stuff I didn't want or need. However, I am very laid back and don't expect a hospital stay to have all the comforts of my home - and I actually enjoyed my 8 days there.

I found this a little late. But I understand what you mean exactly!

I am the eldest of siblings, and if I ask absolutely they would do anything for me. But sometimes (ie being in hospital) I would like for them to take initiative and realise I would like to be treated once in a while. Like I do them, ALL the time.

I get it OP, even if MN thinks you have put and shut up all the time.

I'm hope your surgery went well and you start to feel better soon.

You are probably not feeling great right now, so I really hope that what I say doesn't sound unkind - but you have asked for our opinions.

I think the main thing is that your daughter is taking unpaid leave to care for you. This is a big deal and yes, it is absolutely what she should do, but still, many wouldn't. So be proud of her for that - you have clearly raised a kind young woman who is sensible if her responsibilities.

She came to visit you, which is another positive.

Yes, ideally she would have bought you a gift - I always take something when I visit people in hospital unless they explicitly ask me not to.

But I wouldn't have castigated my child for not doing so. Not when she was already doing a lot for me. I imagine she felt humiliated and hurt, especially as you did this in front of another family member.

As for her eating a couple of your snacks - is that really a massive deal. She was visiting you and had made the journey & maybe she was tired after work or whatever else she had been doing, didn't have time to get food, whatever. She offered to replace them when you raised it - so does it really matter?

You make a lot of comments about how independent you are, how you can't accept help from others etc, yet you sound in this instance quite keen to receive help from others to be honest (which is fine - no woman is an island). But maybe she is sensible or the dichotomy between your words and behaviours and finds that tricky to deal with? I could be wrong - it's just a suggestion.

I am not suggesting for one second you are wrong to want and need support, or in any way unusual. The vast majority of people are pretty independent - few of us rely heavily on others to get through day to day life. Except when we have to - when we are ill, or whatever. Then we have to. It's totally normal and totally fine.

I truly hope you feel better soon. Maybe get some sleep and you will feel better in the morning.

I was in hospital for 10 days after emergency surgery and I messaged DH and DC daily to tell them what I wanted brought in. The food was vile and the ward had a fridge for patient’s food so I had things for my lunch in there then they’d bring me something nice for my tea. If I didn’t message them they assumed I didn’t want anything although they usually brought me a treat in anyway (sweets or fruit or whatever) but those treats got shared between the four of us in our bay and the nurses

Times have changed! They don't even allow flowers in most hospital wards these days.
OP if you want something, ask for it. Or get one of the HCAs to take you to the hospital shop in a chair and buy whatever you want.

You sound like you are 5. Maybe they didn’t know what you could eat after surgery and didn’t want to bring something you couldn’t enjoy.

They came to visit and she is taking time off work unpaid - what more ‘love’ do you need OP? I’m beginning to worry about what your poor DD is going to have to put up with when you get home, frankly, if you’re like this over M&S flowers and edibles.

And just because people show up bearing gifts doesn’t mean they love the people they are visiting - it is often ingrained politeness, a public display of generosity unbacked by kindness or love in private, or to offset feelings of guilt… because they WON’T be taking time off work to help look after them.

Do you generally treat them on special or different occasions? If so, then I think it’s very thoughtless of them. Most people know you don’t rock up to visit someone in hospital empty handed.