To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

That’s so lovely of you and I do agree that so many people are selfish and rude nowadays.

Same as when I am in, I just ask people what I want them to bring it just seems less game playing

Or they had text and asked for things to be brought in?

Your response was childish/bratish. They came to see you and care about your health.

Agree. When someone isnin hospital they arent their usual self due to pain or grogginess etc . The first few times mum was in i would take her usual favourites without being asked.... and theyd go off or be left uneaten, melted weeks later in heatwave

Now we are both more experienced, she just tells me if she wants something.

My DH recently had major (unplanned) surgery. I barely left his side during visiting hours and didn't take him food the first couple of days because, well, I didn't really know if you could. I knew he was being fed though. Eventually I took him cups of tea but he was so unwell he couldn't eat much.

It's a weird thing to be mad about, at least they showed up for you.

Many wards now don’t allow flowers in there, so I wouldn’t take flowers.

When my DH was in hospital, a lot, I just used to phone and ask, before visiting, if he needed anything else - but food, treats etc often went to waste.

The visits really mean more than what is bought in.

Threads like this, and their responses from other posters only serve to remind me how unfortunate some people are to have zero support and how fortunate I am to have such generous, kind and supportive family members and friends, of which we seem to be in the minority, sadly!

I’ve said I understand why Op felt a bit disappointed but I think this post is OTT in the context of this thread.

I mean are you suggesting OP or anyone who have family and friends visit have “no support” or are not kind just because they don’t bring gifts to a hospital ? That sounds very materialistic and narrow minded to me.
In OP’s case her daughter taking unpaid leave and visiting IS a massive support and very kind.

Surely the visit is the main thing and bringing a gift is surely just a bonus? And also people can show their kindness in various ways. They can be generous with their time and effort. Personally I definitely value presence over presents.

Each and everyone to their own. I bring back books and magazines that are read etc. majority of my visits are in HDU or intensive care and then wards so they have been unable to do much for themselves. Feedback has always been positive

I see, every hospital I’ve interacted with in the last two years has had very good food. I’m sorry your experience has been different.

No visitors is a very different scenario to visitors who have taken unpaid leave to visit and then care for you who just didn’t bring in a pack of chocolate with them.

I never visited my DM without a parcel of some sort. Usually sandwiches as she wasn’t keen on hospital food.
I hope your recovery is smooth. Keep things in perspective. You’ll be feeling sensitive after the surgery. Best of luck.

You say the shop was almost closed, so it was still open...probably because you've always been independent they just brought what you asked for but
at least they came to visit you... I would have just told them what to get me, if I wanted snacks. Hope you feel better soon 💐

”the hospital feeds you enough food to prevent you being hungry”

Haha, you wouldn’t be saying this if you’d been an inpatient recently.

OP, what a nasty and cold response you’ve had here. I absolutely understand why you felt hurt. You are alone, scared and vulnerable in hospital and the people who should show you unconditional and spontaneous kindness did not. You have every right to your feelings and some of the replies you’ve had are borderline sociopathic.

It really, really isn’t. I can testify from as recently as a few days ago.

I think it would have been nice for them to bring something but if I were you I would have just asked.

True. At this point I would have been happy to see anyone, regardless of if they had come empty handed or not.

Seems it varies by trust.

Why would she be scared? She’s an adult on a safe ward with nurses caring for her, visitors and it was a scheduled surgery. Would you really be shivering in terror at that?

And they did show her unconditional love by coming to spend time with her… what’s conditional is OPs love apparently, and yours, which requires presents.

My mother in law was inpatient for 10 weeks this year. She had a big tray of food three times a day with a main, dessert, side and fruit. Then at 4pm biscuits and tea or hot chocolate. It was far more than she’d eat in a day on the outside. And she had a snack menu she could ask for any time of day with fruit, yoghurt, cake bars etc.

It seems my local hospital is ahead of the curve but she was absolutely well fed and turned away some of our offers of extra food.

I have had a few operations. I wouldn’t call them major but I had an abdominal hysterectomy and part of a lung removed. To be honest for the first couple of days afterwards I didn’t want much to eat and was quite sleepy, then I was home after 4 days ( agreed to go home and come back to have the stitches out). Many hospital admissions don’t give you time to be over worried about the food. I’m also wondering what care OP will need. It was nice to have meals made but I could have made a sandwich if necessary. I know some operations are worse and some people have a diagnosis that requires more emotional support but all that “it’s too late if I have to tell you “ business is annoying.

Yeah I feel a few people are confusing two issues.

Having no visitors and having visitors come with no presents are completely different scenarios.

Your daughter sounds like a good girl. Thoughtless of step mum though.

I've had a few hospital stays in the past few years and none of the hospitals have provided books or magazines! I'd say magazines are an ideal hospital visiting present.

The blankets are also not great in hospital, I can definitely see why people bring extra blankets and pillows.

Passive aggressive? I don’t think so. She just wants her feelings and invalid situation noticed. I’ve been in hospital and it’s natural to compare yourself to the patients in the other beds. It’s what people do. I find it very odd to want to name call someone for having feelings tbh.