To be annoyed at MIL

[lefdlx]

My MIL and her partner have been together for a couple of years. During that time we have only met her partner a handful of times and our DD ( 21 months old ) has spent only a little more time with him than us.

There has being a couple times where we have asked if she can watch our DD, a few times she has suggested us leaving her with her partner until she is home from work. We declined on each occasion and just said we’ll drop her when she is home.

We asked if she could have her overnight for the first time a couple of weeks ago. She agreed and was looking forward to it. We dropped her and all was fine.

I was then woke to a message at 5am saying “ just to let you know childsname was fine when I left for work at 4, she hadn’t woke up once “ we was obviously shocked because there was no mention to us at all about her having to go to work early hours. We’d of picked our child up after our meal if we’d of known.

AIBU to be upset by this , and I am in the wrong for calling her out ? Our daughter still has nights where she wakes and is unsettled. MIL is completely adamant that she has done no wrong, and that we are in the wrong.

3 weeks later and my partner has only just heard from MIL again, starting off with “ I’m not apologising because I’ve done anything wrong but I think we need to clear the air “

She left your child with a bloke you hardly know?! Wtf!!

I just could not trust her again. He might be perfectly nice but you barely know him and weren't made aware who was looking after your child. Outrageous.

Bloody hell, I’d be absolutely furious! You barely know this man. You left your DD in MIL’s care. Sorry but I think this is unforgivable and such a huge branch of trust

While you're not wrong OP, she isn't the one doing the asking. She's not in a position to meet your needs.

Ignore till the New Year. Actions have consequences and she may realise this - in her own time.

Jesus if my mil had done that to me she’d be out, I’d go no contact! Yes she’s known him 2 years but you’ve only seen him a handful of times!

I'm going to be blunt.
you mil hasnt done anything wrong. reading your op I was 😲 wtf were you thinking asking her????????

You are unreasonable Stop giving a strange man access to your baby...Which is what your are doing by letting her have any unsupervised access.

Your mil does not need unsupervised access. She isnt even asking for it. You are....

If you need childcare she comes to your house solo and you check thats the case (ring or similar and ve prepared to bail on your nights out) or you pay for childcare like everyone else

After I called her out , I received a extremely confronting phone call from her with her partner yelling in the background “ what do you think I am - A fing nnce!?”

I don’t even feel comfortable with my own Dad having her over night yet. And that’s mainly because of how she is as child , not because of my Dad. I told them it wasn’t personal to him.

Even if you knew him a great deal, you never really KNOW anyone, so yes, your MIL left your child at risk.

She doesn’t understand because she doesn’t believe her partner would do anything sinister.

And unless you clearly state to her that you don’t trust him with your child she’ll not understand your reasoning for having an issue with what she did.

Stating this can cause issues though. Like ‘how dare you think that about xyz’. You’ll be made to be the villain so I would simply say ‘I don’t trust anyone but xyz to look after DC, it’s nothing personal’.

Why would you leave your dc with a lady who's living with somebody you hardly know.
This is why I always went with creche instead of in house childcare
I didn't want the husband or neighbour or whatever minding my kids if childminder got called off in an emergency

That would be the last time MIL would get any alone time with my child as you simply cannot trust her.

If he's shouting like that in the background it tells you a lot about him.

Yet you sent your child to your mil house where an unrelated unknown male was staying overnight and presumably changing her nappies....

Honestly hes probably not a paedophile but he might be... as a parent you need to protect your child.

He is also not unreasonable in being offended that after minding your child FOR FREE and changing her nappies etc instead of thanking him for free childcare... you imply he is a sex offender and paedophile.

In your shoes I'd apologise just to smooth the waters and quietly make your own arrangements going forward.

Agree He sounds like a horrible angry arsehole btw.

I think you are totally correct in your feelings and its important to be proactive protecting your child but you have gone about this horribly.

It’s very difficult because you don’t know if he is or if he isn’t, and you certainly do never want to find out if he is, so you have to err on the side of caution to protect your DC whatever the cost.

3 weeks later and my partner has only just heard from MIL again, starting off with “ I’m not apologising because I’ve done anything wrong but I think we need to clear the air “

This would be the bit that pissed me off…why would she start from such a defensive position. Whether or not she thinks she is wrong, she upset you so unless you are being wildly out of line she should apologise.

It would be like a red rag to a bull if someone said that to me.

Don’t back down. Stupid cow of a MIL. Not her child, not her decision. Don’t let her have her alone again.

I don't understand why you asked Mil to have DD overnight if she starts work very early in the morning. Who did you think would be looking after DD?

And now that it gets worse I think I would just go no contact. Not worth it

This ^
Unfortunately your MIL can’t be trusted so I won’t leave DD with her anymore.

No more unsupervised visits

I'm sorry this happened OP, I'd have been really upset too. It's a shame that your MiL and her partner can't seem to reflect that it's not even about whether you think he's a 'f'ing nonce' or not, but about if your DD had woken up what would the experience have been like for her to not have someone she knows well to comfort her. It's about meeting emotional safety needs as much as practical care eh.

Personally I wouldn't trust MiL to have her again anytime soon, I hope your DH feels like he can hold whatever boundary you agree as well.

We wasn’t aware she was working. Like I said if I’d of known this I’d of collected my child after the meal. She doesn’t usually work Sundays, she must have picked up overtime.

This reaction is also unreasonable from him. If they both can't understand why you don't want someone you don't know very well looking after her then they definitely can't be trusted again.

YOU are the one asking her to babysit OP. You know her work patterns suck. She's trying to meet needs and you dont get to dictate the terms.

If you want babysitters then they'll have to come to you.

She has used this “surprise” additional work to orchestrate a time for her partner to be alone with your child, why else wouldn’t she tell you that she is working early shift on a Sunday?
this sounds dodgy and disrespectful. I’d go no contact over this, it’s outrageous.