To be annoyed at MIL

[lefdlx]

My MIL and her partner have been together for a couple of years. During that time we have only met her partner a handful of times and our DD ( 21 months old ) has spent only a little more time with him than us.

There has being a couple times where we have asked if she can watch our DD, a few times she has suggested us leaving her with her partner until she is home from work. We declined on each occasion and just said we’ll drop her when she is home.

We asked if she could have her overnight for the first time a couple of weeks ago. She agreed and was looking forward to it. We dropped her and all was fine.

I was then woke to a message at 5am saying “ just to let you know childsname was fine when I left for work at 4, she hadn’t woke up once “ we was obviously shocked because there was no mention to us at all about her having to go to work early hours. We’d of picked our child up after our meal if we’d of known.

AIBU to be upset by this , and I am in the wrong for calling her out ? Our daughter still has nights where she wakes and is unsettled. MIL is completely adamant that she has done no wrong, and that we are in the wrong.

3 weeks later and my partner has only just heard from MIL again, starting off with “ I’m not apologising because I’ve done anything wrong but I think we need to clear the air “

That's how every thread works, yes.

We typically only have the OP’s version on most threads.

Can't think of a genuine reason a virtual stranger would want to be sole carer of a dc they dont know.

Yes, that he’s offended by OP’s attitude.

What do you mean version of this? No matter what “version” the point still stands. She left my child with a man that we barely know ? We left our child in her care , and thought we could trust her and never really had a reason not to before this?

I think it’s time to get to know your mother in law’s partner.

I think all of this could be avoided by good communication. She grew up/ raised her children in a time this would have been ok ( an adult trusted by another trusted adult).
You hadn’t explicitly said you didn’t want him looking after your daughter on his own.

I would have a conversation with her about your parenting choices, and have better communication going forward.

We’re not questioning this. But your accusation that MIL has been trying to leave the baby alone with him on several occasions - for whatever reason - seems unhinged!

Don't engage. They obviously don't understand the fear and won't change. Stop asking for help and frankly, you knew this was a risk because of the times she did tell you about expecting to leave your baby with her partner alone.

Shouting and swearing when someone expresses concern about him having access to their baby without their knowledge or consent is also pretty offensive, to be honest. At the very least it’s hardly a character reference.

I think it’s best if you stop asking for childcare. MIL trusts her partner and you don’t. She obviously still works a lot so that makes it difficult too. I don’t think you should “punish” her with stopping visiting etc just stop asking for childcare.

Then he could have said that instead of swearing and shouting about effing nonces. Not someone I would want around my child. Your bar is obviously quite low.

Your MIL is entitled to begin a conversation with you however she chooses. Was it the best opening line, probably not as it put backs up immediately and the rest of the conversation was soured.

I’m surprised that your MIL’s partner wanted to be left alone with someone else’s child. He might be a thoroughly nice chap, he might be a bit dim, but either way he didn’t safeguard himself. With all the publicity etc etc that’s what he should have done without question.

You're not unreasonable. If the agreement was for MIL to watch your child, then MIL should watch your child and no-one else.

Wow he sounds charming!

When you got the text at 5am did you go straight round and pick her up?

Does your DH want to clear the air with her? What is his opinion?

I have a 5yo and my dm has been with her partner 3 years. I know him and like him well enough but when dm said about popping out when she was babysitting and letting her partner look after LO I said no.
There were no follow up questions or arguments. He even said himself he understands as he would have been the same with his DDs when they were small. Even though I’m sure he was trying to help as dm needed to run an errand that day, he wasn’t offended when I said no and that’s exactly how it should be.

FWIW, if I were you I wouldn’t be clearing the air. You’ve called her out, she doesn’t agree. The only way forward for me would be to not see her for a while and then (potentially, depending on how she is and how our relationship was prior to this) see her with your LO - but I 100% wouldn’t ask her to babysit or leave your LO in her care again.

I would never again ask her to babysit or have your child alone.

If she takes offence, fine. Her loss. She knew your views and she allowed your child to be babysat by her partner without your permission.

I'd be absolutely furious. My MIL has been with her partner for 3 years and sleepovers are absolutely not allowed when he's in town. Never will allow it either.

Yanbu. Anyone with half an ounce of common sense would understand why you don't want a bloke (or in fact anyone really) that you don't know looking after your child. The fact he's shouting do you think I'm a nonce suggests he probably is imo.

@lefdlx
I think /know that MIL is putting her man first and her actual family somewhere else
I dont honestly think she should be bothered with again for a very long time if ever because she just doesn't care
Fancy her leaving her grandchild alone at home with a man you yourself don't even know however "nice" he seems
And then claiming she did nothing wrong
Well
She has done and will continue to
At your expense if you ever trust her again

This is inexcusable. End of. No way on the planet would I be leaving my child unsupervised there again. Tbh, given the underhand nature of her behaviour - she obvs knew she was working and just didn’t say - I am not sure I’d be letting her see my child again. Certainly not alone. Actually, I do know… and I wouldn’t. You can’t trust her. Who TAF is this bloke, you barely know him. Jeez.

I think this is on you. You chose to leave your DD with a woman who has told you outright that she trusts her partner, sees him as part of her household and is comfortable leaving her with him. You ignored that for your own convenience and I don't understand why you're surprised.

Ofgs

I don't understand why this man would have been comfortable with this. So yes, actually, I do think he's a nonce - to answer his question.

I think it's unreasonable to assume your MiL would be with her the entire time and never leave her with her partner in that situation unless you'd discussed that. To her, he is her long term partner whom she lives with and presumably trusts more than pretty much anyone else in the world. She was doing you a favour in her home where the normal state of play is that they are a team.

Have you ever said to her that you don't want her partner looking after your DD? It sounds like you've skirted the issue then got upset because she couldn't read your mind.