AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

Firstly. I am so sorry for the loss of his mum, for all of you. It sounds like you’re doing an incredible job.
id actually be really cross with the individual. At best this is a careless stupid mistake they keep repetitively making. At worst it’s cruelty. If I was the individual and it was a mistake id not be saying anything at drop off (there is no need to say “say bye to….” Just welcome the child in!). Or I’d be asking the lead myself to not to do welcome as I’d be so mortified and upset with myself for making the error.
I would do exactly what you’re doing and go in to school tomorrow. Agree about not paying. They seriously need to sort this member of staff out. Once is accidental, twice is unfortunate but this is now totally taking the piss. I’m really sorry. I hope this gets resolved.

I work in a school and that is absolutely disgusting that it keeps happening! You should raise it with the governors now. You have gone down the peoper routes through the school SLT, teacher and the TA and it seems nothing has changed! Escalate it higher as this is inexcusable! The poor little lamb..as if hes not been through enough, he certainly does not need this when he goes to school!

This is appalling. Definetely call for a meeting with the head - they need to remove the TA and put child first. If this TA forgets this, how does she/he remember which kids have allergies?!

I’ve learnt from experience that while ‘talking’ to staff and expressing concerns gains a certain amount of sympathy and promises to try harder, nothing is properly actioned until you write that letter titled “FORMAL COMPLAINT’ and insist on an urgent meeting with nobody less than the head teacher.
I asked for a meeting without complaining and was fobbed off with the head of year and class teacher, meeting seemed great until nothing changed….. I put in an official complaint and the thing I complained about stopped immediately !!
While you’re being a bit upset I suspect the TA is getting gentle reminders - if you make t an official complaint they have to prove for OFSTED that they’ve actioned something.. so that might be taking her off the door forever, or it might be changing the language they use all together for everyone… they don’t need to use ‘say bye to mummy’ at all, plenty of people will be dropping off grandchildren, or childminders doing drop off…. So maybe suggest in your complaint that she’s removed from door duty altogether but also that they learn from this and just simply say… morning X, come on in and choose your breakfast. Then just wave bye to the caregiver without saying anything… or since saying bye would upset a lot a children, just don’t say bye at all… just bring the child in with enthusiasm and let the carer walk away… there’s better things to say at the door for sure… even just a ‘say see you later’ … when my child was struggling emotionally the teacher would say ‘morning flower, come one in and let’s look at the x, or could you help me with Y…. Saying bye to me was avoided at all costs as always upset her…. Your nephew won’t be the only child that gets upset saying bye so this should be avoided anyway!!
It seems so odd that this TA is still doing this…. If I caused someone this level of upset I know I’d look out for him walking up the path and have what I was going to say planned, I wouldn’t make the same mistake again…. Is this TA for to be helping children? She sounds utterly dense!

Good luck @JustAnotherWhinger - I hope you can still send him to breakfast club and the TA is dealt with swiftly!

Absolutely raise through the school's complaints procedure. I used to be a TA and worked at breakfast club and absolutely there's no way I would forget this. And frankly if she's forgetting that, what else is she forgetting? It's a huge safeguarding concern, not only for your poor DN's mental health, but also for the rest of the children. Imagine if worked at after school club and sent a looked after child home with someone they're not allowed contact with as she's forgotten who's authorised to collect, or forgets about a child's severe allergy and gives them a snack or meal with their allergen in? If you raise it as a safeguarding concern then the leadership team and the governors absolutely have to take it seriously. If I worked with the staff member who kept forgetting about your DN's situation I would be following school procedures about raising a safeguarding concern about a colleague, so you definitely should raise it as a safeguarding concern as their guardian.

This is ridiculous, what a stupid thick woman. Personally I would go mental at her, I’m sure she wouldn’t forget again. Why don’t you say to her how about you don’t say ‘say bye to mummy’ to any of the kids it’s not necessary at all anyway

I think Id write to the governors. I think this was horrifically unacceptable.

The school could easily just say "Say goodbye" if remembering who they orphan is. Although tbh id consider other schools if this one pays so little attention to him they repeatedly remind him of his dead mum I wouldnt trust them to monitor his education

They’ve got absolutely no awareness have they?! This can’t be the only child who is brought by someone other than a parent. Why do they need to say it to any of the kids at all? Either let them going in without saying goodbye pass without comment or ‘don’t forget to say goodbye’. You also risk misgendering someone or calling a parent a grandparent etc.

I work in the NHS and I always ask children ‘who have you brought with you’ or ask the adult ‘what relationship are you to x’. Assumptions help no one.

For this to happen once would be a disgrace. With you all the way on this.

you shouldn’t have to pay.
I’m terrible at names but I would remember this about your nephew. So sorry about his mum.

No way would I pay. I agree with putting this in writing to the Head and Govenors. She should have been taken off this duty.

Yup, not fair to punish the little one.

Because if it is made clear this is now school policy the TA has no choice but to change her ways or face the consequences. Also a reminder to all staff to be sensitive about all the different family situations they have in school.

I cannot imagine upsetting a child FIVE times already and continuing to do it again. I don’t care how bad you are with names, it’s not that many children to remember and it’s a stand out distinguishing feature. I’m awful with faces, I helped once a week in a class and 6 months on I couldn’t tell you most of the kids names but I can remember the ones who needed more help / stood out for some reason (good or bad)

It’s not normal to choose to work with children and care so little that you don’t pay attention to things like this.

This is completely unacceptable. Especially as it’s happened so many times.
Unfortunately this kind of thing happens too often. I’ve had to explain that I’m not my foster daughter’s mum too many times at her school. Forgetting something like this is not ok.

I would ask for a meeting with the head and learning mentor or similar, the school has one.
Absolutely do not pay for notice. In fact, if your DN wants to go back I would find a way to make that happen if possible.

I hope you’re ok OP. Glad to read everyone here has backed you up and I hope it helps knowing we’re all in your corner! It’s hard dealing with grief and then dealing with issues like this on top, it adds a whole other layer to it that you shouldn’t have to be dealing with.

I was thinking about it over the weekend and I’d actually go so far as to say this is a safeguarding concern.

The school have been made aware of the issue repeatedly, yet it continues to happen. At that point, it stops being a simple mistake and becomes a failure to take reasonable steps to protect the child from foreseeable emotional harm. I hope you get some support from the school this week and they take this seriously

Honestly I would be putting this in writing as a complaint about that staff member, but also that you have spoken to teacher and deputy head and it hasn’t been resolved - to the point it’s become even more triggering for him.
Having worked in schools as a TA I find this unbelievable that you can be that forgetful.

Interestingly, I also took care of a DN after their parent died, the school sent out a letter addressed to the parent within a few weeks on their death. I raised it and the apology was instant and felt honest. It never happened again. That’s how this should have gone for you and your DN.

I hope the school have come back with something positive today

How did you get on today with school?

Spoke to the HT today.

Have a phone call with her tomorrow and a meeting on Wednesday, by which time she’ll hopefully have some answers and resolutions for me.

She says she was unaware of the situation beyond the first time I spoke to the Deputy Head, and from her very careful wording I think she’s one very unhappy HT at that fact.

I should imagine that someone's had a roasting today.

She should be angry !

Raise a safeguarding concern, she’s clearly not capable of the job or responsibility that of looking after 25 kids if she can’t remember something so important after causing so much upset.
don’t see why DN should have to stop going to breakfast club, poor lad.

She should be.
Such a basic consideration to get right.
I would be properly mortified that something so very basic was repeated.
You and your family doing so much to help your nephew with this enormous transition and now school.
And they cannot get something so basic right.
Extraordinarily poor.
My children's school, but primary and secondary were so kind when children lost parents.

Hopeful for a sensible outcome in your Nephew's favour. It is just so galling!