AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

I think you're totally within your rights. I'm a teacher and if your DN was in my class and I knew this had happened, I'd be following up to ensure it couldn't again. I can only assume they are tight for staff and so are not going in too hard with this lady?

If they protest about the notice I'd be tempted to say that yes, you are breaking the terms of the contract, but that so are they by not safeguarding your DN. His mum dying is an ACE and the repeated reminder is making it worse.

I'm really sorry about your sister/SIL and agree you sound lovely.

Take it further with the school. The child is benefitting from breakfast club so he needs to be able to continue.
something that significant isn’t something an adult ‘forgets’. The child deserves breakfast club. The adult needs to change

Thank God your DN has you. Absolutely make it clear this needs to stop.

Bless him, that poor little boy. You’re doing a great job at looking out for him OP, I’m glad he’s for you.

That TA needs sacking

Actually I’d be concerned she’s a spiteful, nasty lady who enjoys the torment. No one is so stupid to do this more than twice (and that’s stretching it). 6 times? No.

Appalling.
A TA should be a professional staff member That involves remembering risk assessment's, SEN triggers and most certainly which child is likely to be affected by bereavement.

This is appalling abc completely inexcusable- another vote for “ your grown ups” here - I don’t always know every child’s circumstances ( fostered, in grandparents care , a nanny , two parents of same gender etc) so this encompasses everyone and children are quite used to hearing it.

If she can't remember this sad fact about your DN she shouldn't be greeting the children. They are babies and need staff that remember the big and small things.

I can't believe she hasn't withdrawn herself tbh, to do it once, any normal person would be mortified and make sure it never happened again, but to do it repeatedly, I don't think she cares enough otherwise she'd let the other TA do the welcoming moving forward I also think the other TA should just insist that she do it. That said, the management should be ensuring this never happens again. I am angry and sad for you.

Don't really care how busy SLT are, this is a huge issue that should be on their very important list. All staff should be briefed on your DN and how not to assume. There may well be looked after children attending the school too.

I hope they remove this lady so that your DN can enjoy his breakfast club with his little bestie.

So sorry for your family and DN. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job with him.

Also on a broader issue, what if the TA forgets child a has a milk allergy, or child b has an inhaler or epipen? I don't get how anyone can be careless enough to do it 6 times.

What a moron... of course she could remember, would she remember which kid had a nut allergy? Or which was the naughty kid (they probably call them 'challenging' now)?

OP I'm so sorry. You're doing an amazing job, and he's very lucky to have you on his side after such an awful experience.

Would it help to reframe it as 'I'm suspending his attendance until you have removed this TA from his orbit, as you will certainly be doing because she's a danger to these children whether by negligence or malice'.

Because it sounds like you generally like the club, HE likes the club, and if it wasn't for this bloody woman you would be quite happy with how it's going. Does that sound right?

Horrific and I would absolutely take fire with them!

If make an official complaint to the school.
Shes clearly an imbecile.

YANBU.

I don't work in a school but visit schools as part of my job role. We refrain from using mum/dad when talking to kids because we're aware not all children live with their parents.
Yanbu - his school attendance and mental health is now suffering because of the TA and it should never have got to that stage.

How awful I am so sorry. Unbelievable someone would be so insensitive repeatedly.
I would wear a tee-shirt “x’s aunt’ printed in large letters cover by a cardy and flash her with tee-shirt at drop off.

I bet you will find she’s someone senior in the schools relative.

This is absolutely ridiculous. Your poor Nephew. The woman is a complete idiot. If I had so obviously upset someone over something I’d said even once you can bet your bottom dollar that I would feel so awful about it I’d remember it (and feel terrible about it!) for ever more, and make sure it never happened again.
What is wrong with her ?

More to the point, why is she saying “say bye to mummy” to any child ?
I work for a national charity delivering classes to the public, and one of the very first training sessions we had was to never assume a relationship - you never say “your mum”
or “your husband” as you don’t know anything about that person’s family set up, sexual orientation, marital status etc etc etc. we were literally taught a list of “neutral” words / phrases to use. She can simply say “wave bye bye” to every child if she feels like she has to say something (especially if she is incapable of remembering an individual child’s circumstances)
I was at school in the 1980’s and even then letters home were addressed to “parents and guardians”. This is not a new concept that not every child live with their parent/s.

It seems a real shame to not let your DN go to breakfast club, but I would expect the school to take quite a hard line with this member of staff. It really is absolute basic levels of skill required when working with children surely. If she can’t remember this about someone, what happens if they have a child with a medical condition or an allergy that she needs to be aware of?

Poor DN; this is totally unacceptable and must not continue. I would send a formal email or letter to the head, requesting that a solution is found to ensure this does not continue. This is definitely an issue for management to solve.

This is absolutely awful. Given that the SLT have been made aware on several occasions and nothing has changed I think you should go straight for a meeting with the head and also make the chair of governors aware.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to stop myself speaking to the TA directly, hopefully making her as uncomfortable as possible. 'You seem to have forgotten that Jimmy's mother died, and every time you tell him to say goodbye to mummy, you are actually really upsetting him, by pushing the fact his mother is dead. Please stop doing it, he has no mother to say goodbye to, as she died.'
She might then remember.

I can’t understand why the TA needs to ‘identify’ whoever it is that’s dropping these kiddies off! And it surely cannot always be the child’s mum anyway! Why not focus on saying good morning or hello to the child and end the conversation there?

I’m a teacher and I agree, this is absolutely unacceptable. Once could be forgiven, but 6 times is ridiculous! It’s their job to remember stuff like this. I think a complaint is completely justified in this situation. If they can’t remember who is mum, dad, auntie, grandad etc then nothing should be said, a simple ‘say bye bye’ would do.

Taking him out of the club isn’t really solving anything- this TA is likely to pop up in school in other roles. Ask to meet with the class teacher and deputy and ask it is addressed properly.

This!!! And if this is happening in front of you - what is happening behind your back!