AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

I don’t understand what is so difficult to remember. It’s a relatively unusual situation and incredibly heartbreaking to think of a child that age losing their entire world. It’s not a difficult thing to remember. It’s not like you’re asking her to remember that he likes to be called William on Mondays, Fred on Tuesdays and Sam on Wednesdays but only if it’s raining.

So either something is so significantly wrong with her memory that she needs to see a medical professional, or she’s doing it on purpose, either because she’s wicked or in some misguided belief that this heartbroken little boy should just be moving on and forgetting about his mum. I also think that your good relationship with the school should make your complaint count for more, precisely because you’re not up there shouting the odds each week. And why would you even care about damaging any good relationship when it’s quite clear that the school aren’t bothered about damaging their relationship with you?

100% YANBU.Once is a mistake and she should be absolutely mortified the first time, which should be enough to remember to be careful the next time.

If she really can't remember then a simple change to using "say bye bye" with all children could have solved to issue.

Even worse than making the mistake, she sounds completely dismissive of it as though she simply called a kid the wrong name, and not apologetic in the slightest.

Id be absolutely fuming in your position and definitely speaking with the head teacher!

I agree this is awful. There is a small chance the TA has a condition that makes facial recognition difficult. Is this possible?

Either way, I'm so sorry tgis has happened and I think you're right to pull him out and not pay. X

The TA clearly isn’t fit to be looking after children if she can’t even remember one child whose mum has died. She’s only got to remember that one thing on the door. It isn’t hard. I wouldn’t trust my child in her care

Even if she has she needs to find strategies to help her ensure that doesn’t cause distress to the children she is being trusted to care for.

Another vote for ‘merry hell’. So sorry your nephew had to experience this.

Great that you plan to go in person to the head. Might be helpful to be ready with the dates you spoke to TA and also to Deputy Head so she can see how calmly persistent you have been. It’s really shocking. I hope you get the right result and DN can go back to club soon.

Can you pre-empt it with say goodbye to Aunty X as soon as she opens the door?

I would be absolutely furious. You make a mistake like that one time, you never forget it (teacher).

Also TA should not be calling all adults mummy/daddy anyway! I always refer to "your parents/carers" or in this case just "say bye!" Absolutely stupid, I feel awful for your poor DN.

Exactly - there are always some looked after children in the year group. Or kids who are temporarily with auntie/Grandma. She shouldn't be in the habit of just calling people mummy at all, there's no need.

Setting aside the horrible mess with this TA - can I just say how wonderful it is that you have stepped into support your nephew and are looking after his wellbeing with such care. I lost my mother very young and no family stepped in, and then my half siblings lost their father (also my father) when they were still young and their family behaved appallingly. I only wish either of us had had an aunt who behaved the way you are.

I wholeheartedly agree with Supporting2026. You are doing such a wonderful job of caring for and advocating for your nephew. And, inevitably, while you are grieving the loss of your sister, or sister in law.

I'm utterly staggered by how utterly incompetent (at best) the school's response to this has been so far. I hope you can resolve the issue fully and quickly now so that he can enjoy breakfast club with his little friend just as he should be able to.

There is either something actually medically wrong with this TA - Memory loss? The level of forgetfulness it would take to do this, even once, is actually unimaginable. Dangerously low IQ? Some sort of facial blindness? Actual blindness? OR she is a massive, unhinged, evil bitch.

In any case, the school should be protecting your nephew. The TA is unfit. I would kick up a massive, stinking fuss. I would be in there, questioning how TAs interact when you’re not there if this is what they manage to repeatedly pull in front of you.

Absolutely, yes. In most correspondence schools usually refer to ‘parents and carers’ to acknowledge that not everyone is with parents, so you would think they would get this.

1. No notice - they have failed in their duties towards you
2. Whether your nephew stays or goes, changes need to be made in terms of the goodbye script to take account of this/other sensitivities
3. headmaster/headmistress to get a letter stating amongst other things that this has happened so often you have concerns that you would like to discuss F2F.

Meanwhile please know that we all feel for you and your nephew.

Sorry haven't read all the replies. But you must say something to the school and escalate.

I am bad with names, however duty of care working with children ( or just being a decent human really) would make sure I remembered your DN name and situation after the first time. If they cannot remember significant important care factors for their charges, they should not be looking atter kids, we are not talking bout what their favourite colour is etc, but things like the passing of a parent, divorce, issues with bullying - these are things you need to remember and who is who

it is uneccesay and needlessly upsetting to more children then the TA will know - there is no need to assume "mummy", could be step mum, could be grandma, could be a neighbour because mum is sick in hospital - so they need to find better ways to phrasing this.

I have worked with kids and have worked in schools years ago - this is not acceptable, go hard - they need to be removed not your DN.

Completely acceptable to take a hard line. If they are so forgetful they can’t remember which child has lost their mummy, then they should refrain from using that word at all and just say goodbye. Not acceptable at. I think you can be kind in how you deliver this feedback but absolutely clear that it has a significant detrimental impact on a very vulnerable child and cannot happen again under any circumstance. So very sorry for your loss.

I don't believe a functioning and adequate adult can't remember more or less same groyp of 25 children she sees each morning. Not sure what she is getting out of it but I would unleash hell.

Fuck me that’s horrific!
Once might be an error but 6 times is just evil. She should have a picture stuck up of him and everyone should be very sensitive around mother’s days etc.
You sound like a lovely aunt

Bless him. How hard is it for school to say "go with your grown up" to everyone. Poor little guy x x x

I'd have to agree. The question the school should have to now answer is: why has this person not been removed from their role? What they've done, repeatedly, is that harmful having gone well beyond one mistake. And being that forgetful or incompetent calls into question their ability to remember important things like allergies that keep other children safe. They don't deserve to keep their job at the expense of all the children they're supposedly looking after.

Come to some arrangement with the TA. Maybe he could wear something to differentiate him eg small badge, stcker, slightly diffrent shoe laces, until she gets to know him. They need to make him feel special at this stage to compensate for the big hole in his life.

for her to say “it’s difficult to remember” is appalling.
it is etched into every fibre of his being, so even this statement must hurt.

i am so sorry

My father's good advice was "Always go to the top". So go the the head teacher, governors, put it all in writing and insist that this has to stop. What kind of inconsiderate insensitive adult could do this to a grieving 4 year old who has lost his mother? It is completelty unacceptable. She should not be saying this to any child as it will confuse them, but to do this to him is just cruel. This is a hiill to die on. Fight for him like a tiger, OP.😡

Absolutely this!

That is absolutely disgusting. Does she say 'say good bye to mummy' to grandparents, other relatives and childminders etc.
Sounds like this idiot should be struck off, id be inclined to think she is deliberately doing this , evil witch. Your poor DN bless his heart.