AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

If the TA can't remember this then how can they remember which child has an allergy/autism etc.
Straight to HT. You've given them ample chance to do the right thing and they haven't changed.

I’m a TA - yes everyone is human and makes mistakes but something like a child who has lost is mother is on your radar - it isn’t something you forget. There are good TAs and there are the ones that don’t care and get into it as they like the holidays and believe it is an easy job, so sorry for your family x

Once is a mistake but surely the TA would be so mortified that it would be stuck in her memory to never make that mistake again. There can’t be that many orphaned children in the reception class.
I’d be worried about how efficient the TA would be about remembering children’s allergies or other medical conditions.

Agree that there's no reason to be using the phrase "say goodbye to mummy" and that member of staff should have been removed from the door after the first literally several instances of this 'mistake.'

And yes I say this as someone who has worked on the door of our school for several years. Yes we sometimes make mistakes (I went for years never referencing a parent, due to training and knowing that we had a child who had lost her mum, and then the ONE TIME I said "okay soon your mummy will be here to pick you up" to a child who had been ill, it turned out to OF COURSE be another child whose mum had passed and I still feel guilt over this. I hope he didn't hear me 😔)

I cannot imagine what is happening in this TA's brain that she's just carrying on using this phrase after multiple incidents of upsetting a child. Multiple times, in a row, you know he's in your wraparound group, you fucking stop saying that phrase to anyone if you can't handle learning which child it is.

It is unconscionable that the school has done nothing about this. The HT should be out there greeting him personally at this point, to keep this from happening.

Please, please, put this in writing. Tell them why you're removing him, ask them what training is being put in place to keep other child from being subjected to this thoughtlessness. Tell them you wish you could send him to this group but you need reassurances if you're going to consider it again.

I’d ask for a meeting with the offending TA to explain the situation. She won’t forget after that.

Also: telling the class teacher doesn't help. I've learned, unfortunately too late for my own child, that speaking to the class teacher does not have the effect that putting something in writing to in an email to SMT does.

I think you’re being bloody brilliant advocating for this kid so strongly, I totally agree with you.

Bless his heart. You are absolutely right and I'd take it to everyone who has senior who authority would listen!

He will also be displaying anxious signals long before this TA opens her mouth, and this would remind her if she had genuinely “forgotten”. Why the hell does that sentence need to be said anyway? Can’t she just say “HELLO, how are you today?” It’s beyond.

I work in schools and I also sit on the complaints panels. Raise this as a formal complaint Monday morning to the chair of governors copying the head in. It’s not acceptable and you have been overly tolerant. You are completely in the right here. Well done for taking your DN in and raising this as you have

formal complaint to chair of Governors is my advice (I am a chair and would be shocked at this)

TA should be sacked. Either she is deliberately cruel or really stupid and neglectful.

Exactly this. If it was simply a matter of something like face blindness then she could drop saying mummy to everybody and all would be fine. She's had enough chances and either doesn't have the capacity to do the job at the level needed, or doesn't care to.

I would be furious, there can’t b many bloody kids in his situation, idiot

Sorry I clicked the wrong voting button

I'm a TA, I knew the 30 in my class, plus the children from the other two classes that there was a specific need to know (which would absolutely include your DN) by the end of the first day. This is inexcusable. I would be making a HUGE fuss.

Don’t withdraw him. Ask that the school implements a school wide ‘your adult / grown up.’ when referencing adults at all. It’s really common sense, there are many children living with other family members or carers for various reasons, it’s not rare. I say it in every instance, letters going home ‘don’t forget to tell your grown up.’ etc. it’s not unreasonable at all. Try and remain calm. I am disappointed school haven’t already suggested this to be honest.

This too, we never assume relationship to child without being told! We see childminders, grandparents, older cousins etc all the time.

I haven't read everyone's posts but read yours. I said yabu because he wants to go. He has friends there. What the TA is doing is unacceptable. You have spoken to deputy, why not go to the head and make a formal complaint as its happened so much. Recommend they change the door person as the week she didnt do it was fine. Recommend formal training. Also talk about disciplinary if she cannot comply with the basics. Dont just quit something he loves when he is struggling so much. Im so sorry though, what an awful situation. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job looking after you DN, hes lucky to have you.

I haven't read everyone's posts but read yours. I said yabu because he wants to go. He has friends there. What the TA is doing is unacceptable. You have spoken to deputy, why not go to the head and make a formal complaint as its happened so much. Recommend they change the door person as the week she didnt do it was fine. Recommend formal training. Also talk about disciplinary if she cannot comply with the basics. Dont just quit something he loves when he is struggling so much. Im so sorry though, what an awful situation. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job looking after you DN, hes lucky to have you.

Thats disgusting and i definitely would not pay.. in fact Id ask for a refund as that trauma is significant

This is utterly disgraceful. Before the end of the weekend, I think you need to check the school’s complaints process and follow it to the letter. This complaint also now needs to be put in writing as you have spoken to members of staff about this on 6 separate occasions and that hasn’t worked. I’m not sure that a 7th attempt at speaking to someone will work. It now needs to be in writing. If the complaints process does not involve the head, I would go straight to writing to the governors. I was a primary school governor for a long time and would be horrified to read about this happening at my school.

OP I am so sorry for your DN and your loss. How awful.

I would go NUCLEAR. That behaviour is completely unacceptable and honestly disgusting. How is that person a TA if they have no basic compassion or empathy skills? Outrageous.

I would contact ofsted. I don’t care what it takes, I would do whatever is necessary to ensure a little boy who is an ORPHAN is taken care of by that school.

ETA: It’s happened six times! Six!! OP make yourself enough of a problem that they’ll bloody well remember who you are when you approach those school gates!

That’s absolutely disgraceful! Once maybe, but to continually ‘forget’ is shocking! I would be putting a formal complaint.