Weekend trip to Paris - no wives allowed

[Jecar]

AIBU?
My french husband has a grandmother that lives on the outskirts of Paris. A residential area but slightly in the "middle of nowhere". No bars, cafes, restaurants that aren't at least a short drive away.

My husband has decided he would like to spend a weekend in Paris for his birthday and has booked for us to go away Friday to Monday. I note this is not "his treat", we have paid over £500 from our joint account for this. We will be staying with his grandma who is absolutely lovely.

He wants to also use this trip to catch up with some old friends that he hasn't seen in 4 years.

Now here comes my AIBU.

He has decided he will invite them all over to his grandmother's house for the Saturday evening and that he wants this to be a "no wives allowed" event. Meaning I would be expected to stay upstairs in our bedroom and all of his friends wives aren't invited either.

I have said that I don't fancy travelling to Paris for a weekend to spend my Saturday evening alone in our bedroom at his grandma's.

I am of course happy for him to see his friends but feel it should be a more inclusive affair where I and the other wives are involved.

I have said that if he wanted to spend time alone with his friends, he should have gone away alone for a weekend and not brought me along.

He believes this is fine because we will be spending the rest of our time there together.

I am really not happy about this.

Who is BU?

Ring for a Uber, there are plenty on the outskirts of Paris, get dressed up and go to the theatre or even just a walk down the Champs Elysées and have a meal.

With two kids in tow? I mean - I agree it’d be perfectly feasible during the day (there are museums and shops galore). But it’s a bit different on a Saturday night. She could, I suppose, get a taxi and a train and take them for a meal in Paris. But that takes about an hour and a half? She’s not going to be taking a 7 and 10 year old for a pre dinner aperitif and a bar afterwards. It’s just a lot more difficult - especially if her kids are used to being in bed earlier and are tired and grouchy. It doesn’t sound much fun for anyone.

I think I would stay no and ask him to book a separate trip and get it done.

is there bowling or something you could drive to with the kids - have some food and a game or two then back home 9ish to put the kids to bed then watchh a film on an ipad or something?

If she has her youngish children with her, she’ll be going home pretty early on a long train ride plus taxi as she’s explained. And dragging young children to look at the Eiffel Tower then to galleries Lafayette etc. in the dark, in winter, with all the crowds, by herself is going to be extremely stressful. Maybe she can stop off at a cafe and pay 30 euros for three hot chocolates while her kids are completely overstimulated and hyper - so much fun!

Then she can return home at 10pm and relax with a glass of wine and some friends. Oh wait - she’s not invited to socialize in the living room with the men. No worries, she can enjoy putting some seriously overtired kids to bed, and stay in her room till her husband climbs into bed drunk at 4am, probably with a few friends sleeping off their hangover on the sofa. Then she can get up at 7am, entertain the kids alone, and wait around for hungover husband to be ready to go out at 11am. Yep, brilliant plan!

I do agree with you that this would be an equally shit good plan if she was staying at grandmas house on the outskirts of London, Berlin, Madrid, Barcelona…

Paris really isn't the safest place - and we live in London! I've been groped walking through Paris in broad daylight and the cat calling is on another level.
But that aside, we aren't in Paris and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing the trip to Paris and back alone at night to a dark, isolated train station and then wait possibly 30 mins for the Uber to arrive.
Perhaps I'd feel safer with the kids. Psychologically I feel like a woman travelling with children would be less of a target than a woman travelling alone. Perhaps I'm wrong.
I'd feel safe travelling in and back during the day or with him at night.
We couldn't leave the kids with his grandma but there would be other babysitting options if we chose to go into Paris as a couple.

What time are they arriving?

If I was in the UK I’d think nothing of making myself busy in my room but obviously the holiday does make it more annoying.

I’d be frustrated that he couldn’t just book a separate trip to see his friends on a different occasion.

However, I’m assuming they’re coming late afternoon/evening and there’s no car and little public transport and so realistically you and DH wouldn’t be doing much once the kids go to bed anyway.

It’s weird that the men aren’t going out somewhere

Wanting is no crime, but whether you agree or not is up to you.Personally I wouldn't be keen, and what is Grandma supposed to do? Not have the run of her own home?

I still don't understand.

I'd expect you will be in Paris on Saturday during the day anyway. Why can't you STAY there longer with the children, book something cool in the evening (boat trip seemed pretty safe), than get some late dinner there and wait at the restaurant/fast food for an uber which would take you back in 30 minutes or so instead of getting to the train station, taking 40 minutes train to an isolated station, waiting 30 minutes for uber there and than riding in it for 20 minutes.
The Uber costs shouldn't differ that much and it would be absolutely reasonable spend allowing you to enjoy more of the Saturday and come back later.

In this scenario, children would have a bit later bed time, you could go down to say hello for a moment and have only a smaller part of the evening empty.

Why should she have to do any of this when it was booked as a family trip?

Yes, this would be the best option if the "man party" goes ahead.
But my main point is, I am not happy with it going ahead.
I don't plan on travelling to Paris for three days for the Saturday evening to be written off. When I get back we will be back to square one and the Sunday morning written off too.
I was under the impression that we would all be going out on the Saturday night and this was sprung on me after booking the tickets.
I would have stayed in the UK had I known and happy for him to go away for a weekend with his old pals.

In Paris Uber have a section, if you scroll down to the end, Uber for women.

I'm not saying she has to.

I'm saying that she presents weird subset of options

I wouldn't be happy with going back with him in the late afternoon and spend the whole evening in the room, or taking the train plus waiting for uber at the isolated station.
However, those are not the only options.

I don't understand why she doesn't consider more options to see whether there is some which would allow everyone to enjoy a trip - including him meeting his friends.

Yes and why doesn't he offer to meet his friends at a restaurant in Paris and do all the things people are suggesting OP does including take ubers and so.
Why does he get the monopoly on the grandma's house over grandma, his 2 kods and his wife.

OK. I get your position now.

It just felt that you were focusing a lot on the part about a train, isolated station, waiting for uber there - as if the logistics was what made his idea so wrong.

I absolutely agree that his plan to meet his mates as well should had been discussed before booking everything.

Still, I'd tend to think whether there is a set of conditions which would make it acceptable - with the understanding that you are doing him a big favour and that he won't get too drunk to be normally operable on Sunday.

I suppose I'd not be that interested in meeting his friends' wifes anyway, so for me it would be about planning it in a way thay I could enjoy it (and probably getting a few hours in Paris without the kids for myself as well).

you mention other family who could babysit - would none of those like to spend time with the kids - they could go with you somewhere for the evening - removing the scary safety aspect you are concerned about?

I think it’s super odd for him to host something in the house you’re all in and telling you to stay away. How bizarre. I still don’t understand why he doesn’t go out and meet them literally anywhere else? I wouldn’t necessarily be bothered by my husband taking an evening to see some friends (presuming you do this too at times), but hosting in the house and expecting you to disappear is very, very strange.

Sorry if that's how it came across. I was trying to reply to the posters telling me to go into Paris and explain how it's not as simple. The last option of me staying in Paris and coming back later is the best.

But yes, my main gripe is that it's gone from a night out in Paris to me staying in my room in the evening and sorting the kids out. I was also planning on getting the most out of this short trip and a solo night in was not my idea of how it was going to go. I could happily do that on London!

We are going away together for 3 days and I wasn't expecting any exclusionary plans.

If that's what he wanted to do, then either he goes alone or goes another time (also alone).

From my point of view, the location of his party is pretty irrelevant. There is little difference for me whether I'd be stuck in a bedroom or a bedroom plus grandma's living room. It is about the time he wants without his wife and kids and how it influences the shared plans.

I'd rather be the one exploring the city (with children) and leaving him at home, than sitting in the grandma's house minding the children while he is meeting his friends in the city.

Yes quite. Entertaining the kids AND his grandma was also not something I had planned. As lovely as she is, she's a woman of few words who I see at best one day a year at Xmas (most xmases, not all). I don't think I've had much more than a superficial conversation with her. Hello, how are you, how nice to see you...

If we were at his parents it would be a completely different story. I still don't think I'd be happy to be excluded for a night, but there's no way they would allow this in their house anyway. And I could spend a full day chatting away with his mum.

OP, stay home. I would have felt and said the exact same as you. He knew what he was doing and is taking the mick, he wants to have the kids go over to see family but also wants to have his fun without taking the kids solo because had he told you his plans to to have his boys night but you have to keep
out the way, he knew damn well you would say NO!

It’s all well and good him saying oh just squirrel yourself in a room but unless they intend of having this gathering at 4pm and everyone gone by 9pm or they plan on sitting together softly reading poetry to each other or it’s one heck of a chateau/a property with a separate outdoor space it is likely going to be a loud beer/wine fuelled night that you are going to have to try and relax or sleep through if they are there until late.

Nah.. I’m not signing up for that.

Threads like this are very influenced by everyone projecting based on their situation and experience.

In addition, you haven't mentioned children at the first posts, which kind of changes things - even thought it doesn't when looking at the issue from your angle (him checking out from three days trip together).

My DP is very reasonable when arranging things, wouldn't get a hangover and we are sometimes intentionally building some kind of solo time into our trips, so I'd just trade it and get a few hours to visit a gallery. I like change of space, so I'd probably chose to go on a combined trip, so it isn't that big deal in my eyes.

You don't operate like that, so he is being unreasonable to spring it on you now and expect you to deal with it.

As you’re really not happy with this then just tell him no.

Tell him to go back the following weekend without his family or simply spend the majority of the evening in Paris and come bank late evening when you’re heading to bed anyway.

with the kids?

Actually at this point I’d just stay home. You’ll spend more than £500 being a tourist in Paris for the weekend and you’ll begrudge it all. Just accept a £500 lad’s weekend and stay home in peace.