Weekend trip to Paris - no wives allowed

[Jecar]

AIBU?
My french husband has a grandmother that lives on the outskirts of Paris. A residential area but slightly in the "middle of nowhere". No bars, cafes, restaurants that aren't at least a short drive away.

My husband has decided he would like to spend a weekend in Paris for his birthday and has booked for us to go away Friday to Monday. I note this is not "his treat", we have paid over £500 from our joint account for this. We will be staying with his grandma who is absolutely lovely.

He wants to also use this trip to catch up with some old friends that he hasn't seen in 4 years.

Now here comes my AIBU.

He has decided he will invite them all over to his grandmother's house for the Saturday evening and that he wants this to be a "no wives allowed" event. Meaning I would be expected to stay upstairs in our bedroom and all of his friends wives aren't invited either.

I have said that I don't fancy travelling to Paris for a weekend to spend my Saturday evening alone in our bedroom at his grandma's.

I am of course happy for him to see his friends but feel it should be a more inclusive affair where I and the other wives are involved.

I have said that if he wanted to spend time alone with his friends, he should have gone away alone for a weekend and not brought me along.

He believes this is fine because we will be spending the rest of our time there together.

I am really not happy about this.

Who is BU?

Your DH and les garçons can go and get the taxi and trains into town so you can put the kids to bed and relax at home with some wine and cheese with granny.
For those saying it's fine go entertain yourself, I would be annoyed too if I was told I was paying for a family or couples holiday to be then told that actually I need to stay in the bedroom like a naughty child one of the nights.

also there are children which grandma is too ?frail?old to look after

If she doesn’t have a car and no public transport then they would all be stuck indoors not doing much anyway.

If the plan was to not go anywhere else then what’s the difference if DH has his friends over or not.

If the plan was to actually do other things then there must be transport and so OP and her DCs can still do these things.

@Jecar That's awfully rude of him! If he wants to meet up with his friends they should go out atleast leaving you, the kids and granny having the house. He's probably expecting you to cook for the lads as well? He's being a real dick anyway.

I agree absolutely but I'd go out to meet my friends. I wouldn't invite them to a house that belonged to someone else and then expect my spouse/ granny/ children to disappear upstairs. A weekend is also very short. If you're travelling on Friday ( presumably after school) and he's busy Saturday night and hung over on Sunday ,then travelling back, you've got Saturday day. Also, you says its Paris, and technically it is but it isn't really what everyone thinks of as a weekend in Paris. Awful lot of faff for a few crumbs really.

What does his grandma think about that? I would be very unhappy someone deciding they were going to use my house this way.
Is your husband usually misogynistic? This sounds like a very odd idea- why don't the men just go out to a bar together?

I would find a cheap hotel in central-ish Paris for the night (Ibis?) and spend the afternoon and evening mooching around, eat dinner etc, either DH could meet me for Sunday lunch or I could head back to Grandma's.

Yeah that is strange. And rude - I think if you're having a social gathering in a house, all adults in that house should be welcome.

I can't really imagine why the OP's husband wouldn't rather have a night out on the town.

I was hesitant to say that, but Paris isn't a safe city for women. It's sexually charged and still very misogynistic. The women have really internalised that misogyny, so if anything happens, there's no support, unless tourists are about. There's lots of scam taxis about, as well as the pickpockets etc.
However, my condition would be that they don't come until after the children's bedtime. I'd like the chance to do nothing, except eat snacks, have a drink and read. I actually wouldn't mind, although I would be raging at the sneaky way he's sold the trip.

This is the issue - OP isn’t being told to stay in her room.
As she said, that is the room she’d choose to go in to stay out of their way.

She isn’t being banished to her room.
He just wants some alone time with his friends, which is completely reasonable and women would want the same.

The only difference is that she’d be in another country and feels like she’s missing out on doing other things - but nothings stopping her from doing things by herself and if transports an issue then this would be an issue whether DH was busy or not.

Take the kids out in Paris. It might be a late night for them but as a one off would be fine

The kids are 7 and 10, though. What exactly is she supposed to do with them? They can go to a restaurant, but that probably takes an hour and a half. She can’t feasibly take them to a bar or a nightclub. I suspect they’d struggle at the opera or the theatre at that age. Is their French good enough to go to the cinema and sit through a whole film (assuming there’s something suitable for a 7 year olf
om on a Saturday evening)?

The kids’ ages makes it worse, actually - they’re not just going to be “put to bed”. What are they supposed to do in an unfamiliar house when they’re being kept out of the way? Just massively inconsiderate of the DH all round.

That’s really effin’ weird and incredibly rude

Indeed. A lot of people seem to be answering the question as if they'll be at home and the issue is whether or not he can have his mates round for a bit, in which case it would be completely fair enough. But if it's in the middle of what was meant to be a family weekend in Paris, and the 'family weekend in Paris' is actually a weekend in the boonies in somebody else's house where the centrepiece (so far as he's concerned), is a lean-up with his mates that the OP's not invited to...then I'd definitely be asking what's the point of anybody but him going, and concluding that no, it's not worth it.

Honestly he should just book a local restaurant for him and his friends to meet up. It just seems really weird that he invites his friends but you are not invited. It's not your home, you can't busy yourself with stuff in other rooms. There's nothing to do locally. It's all very odd of him

You have the right to enjoy yourself as well. Ring for a Uber, there are plenty on the outskirts of Paris, get dressed up and go to the theatre or even just a walk down the Champs Elysées and have a meal. Bit chilly this weekend and maybe rain, so be prepared. Enjoy

Why cant the DH & les garcons go out? Surely drinks out is more fun/typical than hanging out at soneones nan's house while the women and children are banished upstairs. Very odd set up.

It’s not ideal but it is only for a few hours. Tell him to go on his own next time and suck it up this time.

I wouldnt like it at all. I wouldnt be able to suffer the evenings noise and the husbands hangover the next day.
If French Gran lives in a huge manor house I might put up with it because of the space available to everyone, but OP hasnt described the house at all yet.

YANBU

If DH originally suggested, and you booked, as a family holiday for his birthday, then he should honour that. Choosing to do his own thing on the main night you’re all there (especially in a place where you can’t easily do your own thing) is pretty selfish. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

But, in terms of a solution, what would the four of you have done on the Saturday night if he wasn’t with his friends? Can’t you just do that without him?

I think you are being a little unreasonable to expect him to cancel on old friends for his birthday. So, if you can’t:

• cancel your travel
• spend an evening in the nearest busy suburb (via cab) or central Paris (via cab or cab/train) with the kids (not clear why other than you’d feel unsafe)

then suggest you download a box set or get stuck into a good book and have some time to yourself. Plus, at 7 and 9, surely the kids won’t be in bed too early?

Or could his friends come over on the Friday evening, because you and the kids may not mind a restful night, having travelled?

Agree with this.

I’d say put your foot down on this and push him to organize a weekend alone too. We’re actually in a similar situation: DP is from Nanterre and I’m English but we live abroad. If we go to France/England as a family, we socialize as a family. Plenty of nice restaurants in Paris even if going clubbing is no longer an option with small kids. We get on well with each other’s friends, but we both have the occasional weekend piss-up with just our friends while the other stays home with DC. It’s understandable to want alone time with friends. I don’t want to spend an evening dissecting PSG tactics anymore than he wants to reminisce about university, and the language barrier does slow things slightly.

And all the people telling you to go out alone for the evening in Paris have obviously never been to Paris. Even DP wouldn’t do this!

They should meet at one of theirs. He's being very unfair. Get him to go over alone another time.

Also good idea in theory though Paris hotels tend to be hideously expensive.

Sorry - but he’s is utterly unreasonable. He should either arrange another trip without you and the kids (you are only there for a weekend for pity’s sake) or he can get an uber and go out to see them in a bar.

I know of no male who would even consider this as appropriate…. Stay in your room all night? Is he banishing his grandma to her room in her house too?

Quel troglodyte!

This!

Don’t understand people who are just making this about him hanging out with his friends. Completely different scenario here - particularly given it’s a short weekend trip.