Weekend trip to Paris - no wives allowed

[Jecar]

AIBU?
My french husband has a grandmother that lives on the outskirts of Paris. A residential area but slightly in the "middle of nowhere". No bars, cafes, restaurants that aren't at least a short drive away.

My husband has decided he would like to spend a weekend in Paris for his birthday and has booked for us to go away Friday to Monday. I note this is not "his treat", we have paid over £500 from our joint account for this. We will be staying with his grandma who is absolutely lovely.

He wants to also use this trip to catch up with some old friends that he hasn't seen in 4 years.

Now here comes my AIBU.

He has decided he will invite them all over to his grandmother's house for the Saturday evening and that he wants this to be a "no wives allowed" event. Meaning I would be expected to stay upstairs in our bedroom and all of his friends wives aren't invited either.

I have said that I don't fancy travelling to Paris for a weekend to spend my Saturday evening alone in our bedroom at his grandma's.

I am of course happy for him to see his friends but feel it should be a more inclusive affair where I and the other wives are involved.

I have said that if he wanted to spend time alone with his friends, he should have gone away alone for a weekend and not brought me along.

He believes this is fine because we will be spending the rest of our time there together.

I am really not happy about this.

Who is BU?

Paris is as safe as any other European capital city.
I have quite happily wandered around after dark on my own.
I was there for a work meeting in winter and had to find my hotel, somewhere to have dinner etc.

If OP has her youngish children with her, they won't be finding underground night clubs down dodgy alleys, it will be seeing the Eiffel tower lights flash, Galleries Lafayette dome, etc.

Absolute no chance. What a rude and selfish man.

This is a ridiculous plan from him.

Either you and the kids stay in the UK, or if he wants to see his mates whilst there, they should all go out. Or he invited the wives and makes it inclusive.

Absolutely ridiculous to expect you to go and hide upstairs.

Wtaf? How old is he 14?

Reminds me of the scene in the inbetweeners where Mark Donovan is looking for charlotte and will at that house party and he finds the mum and dad sat on the bed because they aren't allowed out of their bedroom into the party.

So if he wants to connect with his friends he should go out to do it, not try to limit everyone elses’ movements within the home. I’m assuming that includes granny too. Rude and unreasonable.

If the guys are coming from all around Paris including the opposite side of Paris, why don't they meet in Paris? It makes far more sense for your husband to go out than for everyone in the house to stay out of the way all night.

I would not go unless he changed the plan. Are you flying or eurostar? It's easy enough to change the latter.

I'd be a bit "what?" about it, but in the end would see it as an opportunity to go into Paris or the nearest town for dinner with the kids. I don't think there's the same horrified look (as here) on French people's faces when they see kids eating out at night, provided the kids are very well behaved, which I'm sure your two are!

In any case, I would not, under any circumstances confine myself to my room. No way. I'd be gone for some moules frites or steak frites and plenty of wine to wash it down. Your kids can look after you ha ha.

Yes you can be annoyed about it, and see it as neglectful of you and the kids, but I'd accept it and do my own thing. Depends on how independent and self sufficient you are, which is helped by the fact that you can speak and understand the lingo a lot. Make the most if it would be my view.

I think it's fair enough to want to see his friends without wives around, but the way he's gone about organising this during a family weekend away is a bit off. I guess he does want you guys to come with him to his home country but also wants some time alone with friends he presumably doesn't get to see often.

If he made an effort to make it up to you somehow in another way I might be OK with it. You could tell him you'll be Ubering into Paris and back and taking yourself to a nice restaurant, maybe cinema or a Bateau Mouche along the Seine, it's very pretty at night? And he/grandma will just have to deal with the sleeping kids if they wake.

It's hard one. In theory, I would have no issue with the 'no wives' catch up. I like to spend time with my friends without their husbands sometimes - the dynamic is completely different and conversations are often different too.

But I wouldnt be happy about it during a long weekend when Saturday is arguably the main night.

So, on this occasion, you should have had the option to stay at home or wives should have been included too.

If OP can’t go out because there’s no transport then I assume DH can’t go out for the same reasons.

I do think an Airbnb in a more central area would be better for everyone including DH and his friends, but there must be a reason why the grandmas home has been chosen as the place they’re all meeting.

Firstly, she said it was a 30min drive without traffic (ie will def be more than 30mins in reality).

secondly, it doesn’t sound to me like they will have access to a car while they are there as she discusses using public transport to get into Paris.

Thirdly, she has to stay at home to look after the children. 90yo granny is to old to be left with them, and I’m guessing DH doesn’t want to be left with the responsibility (especially as it sounds like he’s planning on getting shitfaced)

I think i agree with this. It's just one eve. Im sure you can pop down and say bonsoir! Hang out with his grandmother or go out! I bet he hardly ever sees his friends as they live in another country.

Eh? No.

So, as you know, OP was promised, and paid for half of, a 3 day family holiday.

Her husband then instructed her, after it was booked, that she is to stay out of his way on the main night of the three day holiday so he can get pissed with his men friends. As he will be plastered, this will also mean he's not good for anything Sunday morning. So she gets the Friday night they arrive, knackered. and the Sunday afternoon and night before they leave.

On a holiday she helped pay for. Which she agreed to because it was a family holiday.

As he has now instructed her she is not welcome on his planned piss up, in the house she will be staying in, which is in the middle of nowhere with no bars, cafes, restaurants within walking distance.

She will therefore be expected to sit in the bedroom upstairs, alone. In someone else's house. In a foreign country. On a family holiday.

That is her only option.

She can't just go out because she can't leave her two little children with his 90 year old relative and a house full of pissheads.

She also has nowhere to go and will have no car.

If she was willing to leave her children alone and get into Paris by herself, at night, she would have to take a 20 minute Uber and a 40 minute train. And then back again, of course.

Alone, at night, in a foreign country, assuming she doesn't mind leaving her kids alone with a very old woman in a house full of drunken men.

OP has stated clearly she has no problem with him having a drunken piss up with his mates, but that is not what was agreed to, booked or paid for when he asked her to go on a family weekend trip.

She was looking forward to the family holiday they had planned and that she paid for half of.

So, no. He can either not carry on with his plan of getting pissed downstairs while she sits upstairs alone, or he can go alone on his boys' weekend.

And at a later date, he can then take his family on the holiday he promised.

Easy peasy.

I would have no issue with my DH going out by himself meeting some old friends who were also without partners.
I would have an issue with him using his grandmother's home as the meeting point. That's ridiculous. It sounds like they are travelling from all over Paris, surely meeting in a central location in a bar / restaurant would be the best option.

Well, certainly that would be a bit less shitty and selfish.

However, the time to tell her that she would be persona non grata on one of their three nights away on their "family" holiday was before she paid for half of the family holiday he promised. Because if he goes out on the piss with his men friends that's Saturday night and Sunday morning gone.

On their 3 day "family" holiday, which she paid half of.

So, obviously, the answer is he stops treating his wife like an inconvenience, or he goes alone and takes his family on the promised holiday at a later date.

He could also try going back in time and telling her the truth, before she shelled out for and planned for a family trip, and letting her have the choice, but I don't see that working tbh.

Let him go on his own. You and kids stay in UK (or he takes kids). HE pays for the entire wknd & refunds the joint account.

My initial reaction was that this was really unfair. But given that you have children who will be in bed anyway, it's not like you'd be going anywhere if the friends weren't coming round.

He hasn't seen these guys for four years. They have a lot to catch up on. Yes, ideally they'd meet in a bar or at one of their houses, but then you'd probably be annoyed at him leaving you with Grandma

When you have family abroad, this stuff happens. It's not 100% holiday. My in-law extended family are almost all abroad. I at it as a bonus because I get to visit places I'd never have been to/ been able to afford, with free accommodation and warm hospitality thrown in.
The downside is that there's the occasional family obligation or friend commitment within the trip, and as with one side of the in-law family, I don't speak their language, and only one of them speaks any English, my involvement is minimal.

It seems like you still have plenty of time to do things (and again, the kids would be in bed anyway during this meet up) so I'd be fine about letting him and his friends have their time.

If you sat with them you'd be bored stuff anyway, given that it would be them reminiscing about stuff you weren't there for.

So a trip for which OP paid half will result in her spending the main Saturday night in her room, going out and leaving her children in a house full of drunken blokes or ‘hanging out’ with his 90 year old grandmother. Then half the Sunday will be gone because he’ll be hung over and in bed while she deals with the kids. He’s a selfish arse. He should have mentioned before they booked that this was the plan and given OP the option to stay at home.

OP has said that he is not the sort to stay in bed with a hangover, and that he copes well and powers through them.

Stop being such a pick me girl 😂

Lol. No. What she said was "He will likely be very hung over on Sunday but he's actually impressively good when hungover and will be able to soldier through. He will need a bit of a lie in."

Definitely fine that he steams ahead with his shitty plan then, he's only taking away the Saturday night of their 3 day family holiday plus feeling like shit on Sunday morning and staggering out of bed late and hungover and soldiering through.

Yay. Sounds fab. What a prince.

He's being unreasonable to expect you to disappear while he hosts his friends at his grandmother's house; he should meet them elsewhere.

I haven't been instructed to stay in my bedroom. I have been told it is a boy's only night, meaning they only place I could comfortably stay is in my bedroom.

I'm sure if I pushed to stay with them in the living room, he'd accept but it would be incredibly awkward knowing they all just want to be left alone and haven't brought their own wives.

The layout of the house is a huge open plan dining / living room and a separate tiny kitchen on the ground floor, along with Grandma's bedroom and bathrooms. Guest rooms & bathroom are then upstairs on the first floor. They will take up the living room leaving the bedrooms upstairs as the only option.

So no, he hasn't said "go to your room". He has said he wants to be left alone with his friends and for me to take care of the kids.

YANBU, but it wouldn't bother me personally to hide away for an evening.

Wow.