Weekend trip to Paris - no wives allowed

[Jecar]

AIBU?
My french husband has a grandmother that lives on the outskirts of Paris. A residential area but slightly in the "middle of nowhere". No bars, cafes, restaurants that aren't at least a short drive away.

My husband has decided he would like to spend a weekend in Paris for his birthday and has booked for us to go away Friday to Monday. I note this is not "his treat", we have paid over £500 from our joint account for this. We will be staying with his grandma who is absolutely lovely.

He wants to also use this trip to catch up with some old friends that he hasn't seen in 4 years.

Now here comes my AIBU.

He has decided he will invite them all over to his grandmother's house for the Saturday evening and that he wants this to be a "no wives allowed" event. Meaning I would be expected to stay upstairs in our bedroom and all of his friends wives aren't invited either.

I have said that I don't fancy travelling to Paris for a weekend to spend my Saturday evening alone in our bedroom at his grandma's.

I am of course happy for him to see his friends but feel it should be a more inclusive affair where I and the other wives are involved.

I have said that if he wanted to spend time alone with his friends, he should have gone away alone for a weekend and not brought me along.

He believes this is fine because we will be spending the rest of our time there together.

I am really not happy about this.

Who is BU?

Tell him to go alone OP. This is a bloody ridiculous situation. What on earth is your husband thinking. Your anticipated weekend away has essentially become all about him. And he didn't even have the decency to tell you. Of course you can't make yourself vanish in someone else's home, especially someone who's 90 and that you barely know. That's awkward beyond all reason and quite frankly bonkers. I'd tell him to either go alone or shove the whole thing up his arse.

I assume you're taking eurostar then, you can postpone for free depending on dates. I would.

As they say on my favourite French shows “Putain! C’est quoi, ce (cette?) bordel de merde?”

I'd be very disappointed if my DH did that.

Can you take your kids out for the evening and see Paris by night?

I think he wanted to combine the convenience and cost of having you along for his trip to see his grandmother (so he can show her the children without all the faff of taking them there by himself), with the convenient timing of seeing his friends who apparently are all willing to make a get-together work on just this one weekend.

I think the crux for me would be the fact that he waited till after you'd planned this and spent money on it, to spring his little plan on you. He may not have planned the plan before he induced you to spend money, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you agreed to the trip, spent money on it, and now he wants to totally change it, after the fact, to something much worse for you, because he doesn't want to give up any of the things he wants. I find that very manipulative.

I wouldn't go. He can take the children by himself or they can stay home with you. You will be taking your own trip to Paris, without the kids, for the same cost, and he will be contributing, just as you have contributed to this trip.

Is he usually selfish like this?

Seems odd to be so strongly against one night in with your dc, your Grandma-in-law, a glass of wine and a good book or an iPad or a pack or cards for a maximum of 4 hours, but happy for your dh to travel back to France for a separate weekend - when you would have the dc for 72 hours on your own, plus the costs of tickets and other costs.

I genuinely can't see why this would be a problem, other from the fact that he should have discussed it first rather than presenting it as fait accompli. But the actual 4 hours or so watching something you like or reading, or having a bath, or having an early night, or whatever floats your boat seems to be a non issue to me.

After reading all the replies I’d have to just not go. He can go and see his mates. A family weekend can be had another time. He changed the terms of the holiday. If you’re alone Saturday night taking care of the kids it’s a million times simpler in your own house.

He’s basically bringing you along as the kids nanny at this point

Anyone who has suggested OP go into Paris for the evening with her DC has never been to Paris. It’s not London, it’s not a safe city for solo females at night. I’ve travelled extensively alone and Paris is one of the only cities I did not feel safe in, especially at night. I’ve been numerous times, I’m half French, it is not the sort of place you’d want to hang out at night as a female, especially with limited French.

Your DH is being ridiculous. If he wants to catch up, HE can go into Paris to meet them for the evening. Expecting his wife and kids to hide in the bedroom all night is insane.

I don't usually travel to Paris to do things I could do at my own home. Looking after my children and having an early night to myself.

But they are there Friday to Monday.
They will travel together.
They will presumably see the other local family members mentioned, together.
They will have Friday night together, Saturday day time together, all day Sunday, then Sunday evening then Monday together, before traveling back together.
They aren't traveling for just this one evening then coming home.

It's good to know you wouldn't be bothered by it, but I would.

If we go back to my childhood home town for a weekend DH always looks after my kids so I can have a night out with friends. And he's their step dad

Ok, if that's what he wants, you and the kids head to Paris in the day time and stay in a hotel with a pool and he comes out and meets you by lunch the next day. Everyone gets something- he pays for the hotel.

and that's the beauty of a discussion forum - you get to find out not everyone thinks the same as you.
You might not like it, but it is a perfectly sensible way to organise things.

I also wouldn't be happy with this being sprung on me. But since you've already bought the tickets, rather than demand he doesn't hold his boy's night at all, demand that they do it at a different venue. Let him figure out how to get himself there and back (or just meet you somewhere in Paris on Sunday morning), leaving you an evening with the children. I know this wouldn't be ideal either, but at least you won't have to feel that you've been exiled to your bedroom. Either that, or he agrees to do the whole weekend with the family and goes back to do another catch-up with his mates at another time. Good luck in whatever you both decide to do.

I think the second word to hubby would be off

I would honestly make the staying in Paris option without kids. He can look after the kids. He’s being a selfish turd and I wouldn’t be keeping the kids out of his hair for him, I’d be sitting in a chair in Le marais or similar with a view of people going by and a martini and having a great time.

I'd just be secretly canceling his tickets. I mean he didn't tell you his plans before he got you to pay for half this "family" holiday. I am amazed at the people who thinks the outskirts of Paris is a safe location for a woman, whether or not accompanied by two small children. As for the idea that she should travel to the city accompanied by two small children - travelling by train and uber for an hour each way and have an exciting night out in Paris approaching winter with two children in tow is beyond odd. I mean there are areas in Paris that are seriously scarey. My husband and I once had an unreliable guidebook and trying to find some landmark we ended up in area where they were openly dealing drugs on the street and we were terrified and my husband has travelled extensively in South America and not in tourist areas.

So local woman only go out if they have a chaperone? So cancelling someone's ticket if a man did it the woman would be told it is abuse and report it

This. Does he always expect women to dance around him? He sounds like an utter arse.

I would feel as you do, @Jecar . And if I were you, I wouldn't go. I'd really like to know what his grandmother thinks of this plan? It's incredibly rude to stay with someone in their home then basically banish them from the main living areas! I'm suspecting he has form for this kind of thoughtlessness/rudeness.

As for the idea that she should travel to the city accompanied by two small children - travelling by train and uber for an hour each way and have an exciting night out in Paris approaching winter with two children in tow is beyond odd

Yeah I have to wonder whether the people suggesting she 'just' go into Paris with her kids has ever met a child, or even understands what one is. Doubtless you'll have MNers saying that their 7 and 10 year olds would delight in playing left bank intellectuals for the evening, and that the hour-each-way journey would simply fly by as they all stroked their chins and discussed the merits of the pointillist movement, Alain Delon and Proust. However in reality it is very likely to be a bit of an arseache that the OP would understandably rather not bother with.

Beautifully put !
In OPs situation I would get the DCs back to the house, get them in bed at the normal hour and either have a bath and/or gorge myself on some expensive chocolate I will have purchased earlier on the joint account, whilst mumsnetting and planning a retaliatory trip away ( also on the joint account) with friends. I would not be wandering round the freezing dark streets of Paris or trying to solo entertain DCs in a hotel room, as neither sounds like fun.