Weekend trip to Paris - no wives allowed

[Jecar]

AIBU?
My french husband has a grandmother that lives on the outskirts of Paris. A residential area but slightly in the "middle of nowhere". No bars, cafes, restaurants that aren't at least a short drive away.

My husband has decided he would like to spend a weekend in Paris for his birthday and has booked for us to go away Friday to Monday. I note this is not "his treat", we have paid over £500 from our joint account for this. We will be staying with his grandma who is absolutely lovely.

He wants to also use this trip to catch up with some old friends that he hasn't seen in 4 years.

Now here comes my AIBU.

He has decided he will invite them all over to his grandmother's house for the Saturday evening and that he wants this to be a "no wives allowed" event. Meaning I would be expected to stay upstairs in our bedroom and all of his friends wives aren't invited either.

I have said that I don't fancy travelling to Paris for a weekend to spend my Saturday evening alone in our bedroom at his grandma's.

I am of course happy for him to see his friends but feel it should be a more inclusive affair where I and the other wives are involved.

I have said that if he wanted to spend time alone with his friends, he should have gone away alone for a weekend and not brought me along.

He believes this is fine because we will be spending the rest of our time there together.

I am really not happy about this.

Who is BU?

Nobody is making any drama about him seeing friends, so where are you getting that from? I’d like to see the reaction to a man being asked to stay out of sight so hide in the bedroom for a Saturday evening in for a weekend in Paris he’s contributed financially to.

See in the theory it’s one evening but in the context of a weekend away he’s going to be clock watching on the Saturday to make he’s back in time/ doing prep for everyone arriving and then if he’s a drinker then Sunday could well end up being a write off.

No yanbu op I wouldn’t like it either changes the whole vibe.

Take the kids out in Paris. It might be a late night for them but as a one off would be fine. Otherwise, the children stay home with him. If they are in bed then shouldn’t get in his way and you go out.

Can’t say I’d be that bothered. My DH often makes himself scarce when I have friends over. It’s only for an evening. Just take a book or watch something online. It’s not a big deal.

I read all of OPs posts. Can see some people havent.

Why are you lying?

As you are well aware she has, in fact, been instructed that she is not to attend his piss up. That's factual.

She doesn't have a car, so no she cannot drive anywhere. So it is a 20 minute taxi ride and a 40 minute train ride into the nearest city.

And there is nowhere else for her to go but hide in the bedroom in the house of the woman she barely knows, in a foreign country.

As you are also well aware she cannot just piss off and leave her young children sleeping with a 90 year old woman and a bunch of drunken men.

Do you just enjoy men being cunts to their wives?

Yes because taxis dont exist and children can't leave the house after 6pm? Okay. Anyway. OP can pick fight over it and hide in the bedroom if she prefers, im sure that will improve the weekend.

Why does he have to invite his friends to his grandmother's? Can't he meet them at a bar/restaurant? Then you won't have to spend your evening hiding in a bedroom.

I am very far from being a cool wife, but I would be ok with this, possibly because I would prefer it to an event involving wives that neither OP nor her DH can know very well.

He hasn’t seen them for 4 years and it’s his birthday, yes it’s a bit selfish but I would let him make it up to me by taking me out for dinner somewhere fancy on his sole account at a future date.

This is rude and selfish of him. If he is set on lads only, then why don’t you as a family have Saturday daytime in Paris then he stays on to meet them and has to get himself home later? At least then you don’t feel quite so much under house arrest. He should really just stop being a prick though and include the partners.

As you know, her young children will have to go to bed, nobody mentioned 6pm, that's just another thing you've made up.

These are the facts - her husband intends to have a piss up with his men friends while she sits in the bedroom alone.

She cannot drive anywhere, she will have no car. She would have to spend an hour making her way into Paris alone by Uber and train, and then wander around alone at night and then make her way home at night alone.

For no reason at all, as she was told this was a family holiday and would not have agreed to go if he had dumped this nonsense on her pre booking.

She has not considered the option of dragging her two young children out at night to wander around a foreign country by Uber and train so her husband can have a piss up in somebody else's home on their 3 days holiday, because she is not an insane person.

OP has clearly stated she'd have been fine with him organising a boy's night/weekend but he lied and said it was to be a family holiday and has just now dumped this selfish idea on her.

These are just facts.

Why are you making things up?

It wouldn't bother me, I would be delighted! I have a pile of books I want to read and never have time for.

When I see old school friends I want it to be just us sometimes too. Then we can chat about old times without needing to explain or include.

I totally understand he wants a night with his friends, but why should you be totally banished to the bedroom? I would think his friends would think it odd if you didn't say 'hello' and at some point pop in and have a drink with them. Is there a table in the kitchen or a dining room, ie another room you can sit at table and do something/maybe treat yourself to something nice? The better solution would have been for him to go to one of their houses in the city!

"No wives allowed" is such an odd concept to me. It's not that DH or I are unable to socialise without each other - we both do, often - but in practice since we met, almost all of his friends have become my friends and my friends have become his friends. It's just happened naturally because all our friends are good, interesting people so why would we not want to hang out with them? Also we don't have hang-ups about only being able to socialise with our own sex.

That aside, I'd obviously have no problem with DH having a day/night out without me. Highly unlikely he'd formally ban me, it's more likely to be because it's an activity I have no interest in, like cricket. So that part of it isn't an issue.

But I wouldn't be up for the OP's situation at all. Firstly schlepping to Paris to be banned from the main weekend evening - no thanks. Secondly not having any options myself on that evening except shutting myself away in a bedroom - I like a night in with a good book as much as anyone but if that's what my Saturday night is going to be, I'll do it in my own house thanks.

If I had a friend in Paris I'd be happy to go out and do something with them, or even just take myself to a good restaurant, but this doesn't seem to be an option for OP. So in her shoes I would absolutely be staying home.

(Frankly if I was the OP's husband I'd just be including her with my friends. Given the circumstances it's just batshit to exclude your spouse as if you can never let her meet your friends.)

I just wouldnt go. Im happy for DP to see friends alone. He does - he has had weekends away without me. But no way would I travel to France for a weekend to spend saturday night looking after the kids out of sight. Being told to stay away when i am in the house seems strange and uncomfortable & frankly a bit demeaning.
If he wanted a weekend away with mates, he should have arranged that. Presumably Sunday will be a wash out as he will be tired and/or hungover.

Even more ridiculous!! Why can't he get a taxi to the city and spend the time with his mates there then!? Crazy to think he can just put his family away for his convenience for a night. Don't let him guilt you about not seeing mates years either, that's a normal occurrence when you move elsewhere.

DP friend 'Where's Owlbookend?'
DP 'I have said she should stay upstairs'
Sorry - no chance I would engage with this.

I wouldn't go, tickets or no tickets bought. He can reimburse the money for your and the children's tickets. No bloody way would I sit upstairs feeling trapped while he socialises. Is he normally selfish and thoughtless?

Its unsafe for a woma to go out on her own for an evening there. Just where do you think she's going to go? Plus they're going to be in the middle of nowhere so getting to the centre isn't going to be easy.

Just seen that OP has young dcs with her. Even worse situation. Think I'd not go OP. Let him get on with it.

Your DH can get to fuck - excuse my French 😅

Very strange for a grown man to want to meet his mates at granny's house .Can't fathom any man in my family thinking "Woohoo I'm meeting X. Haven't seen him for ages". "Where are you going?" "His nan's ". They fact that his granny and wife will both be sitting upstairs at the time is deeply odd.

Why are you rude instead of reading?

I would call it the Parisian "greater London". But it's not officially Paris, it's just outside.Paris is small by comparison to London so you could probably drive into central Paris in 30 mins from where we are, assuming no crazy traffic which is rare.

This is the OP saying that the car ride from the center is 30 minutes (saturday late in the evening shouldn't be tge rush hour).

So yes, he can go home, she can stay in the center with the kids longer (Seina boat tour after dark and a dinner) come back using taxi/uber, they all get slow morning and continue with the Sunday plans.

It would be an issue if money are too tight, but that would be my condition of supporting that plan - having some budget for the evening

OP did he spring this on you after you had paid for the trip?
I wouldn't be happy to be sent to my room in a strange house either. At very least his get together (which of itself would not bother me) should be out of the house and not impinge on your visit.
If you have paid for the trip then the money is gone and doing something you don't want to do won't bring it back. I'd probably not go and frame it as doing what is better for you and the children rather than any kind of tit for tat. Wish him a lovely time and plan a lovely weekend at home....but also plan for a break where he gets the kids and you go off to do what you want.

I would ask him to get an air B&B and then he’ll have sole use of it and some of them can stay overnight etc if they choose to.
It just seems an easier solution but I wouldn’t insist on it.

It wouldn’t bother me about not being included and I would arrange something for me and the kids and then just relax in my room.

As you say, you’re not banished to your room but you’re just not really welcome to join the group as it would create a completely different dynamic and I would absolutely respect this and would hope my DH would do the same for me.

It sounds like you just don’t want to waste your time in Paris, which is fair enough.
So figure out what you’d have been doing if DH wasn’t busy and do the same thing.