AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

Exactly. And all autism is not the same: it seems that some folk meet one autistic person & think every other autistic person is the same, there are levels of understanding.

Such intolerance on this thread.

Exactly this.

Yes, sometimes they don't get slam games down in a social environment

You are appropriately named @ThreadGuardDog.

Be kind to your DH and forget about it

Not the first time I’ve been accused of it. Won’t be the last. Still doesn’t excuse the intolerance show here. And where am I at odds with many other posters ? Why single me out because there are many similar posts ?

You are not your husband, you are a whole separate person. What he did isnt your responsibility. I’d definitely go in ..head held high

I guess all the parents of ND kids are also intolerant and ableist.
Such a storm in a teacup. OP overreacted.

I’m sorry to hear that your husband has had a hard time recently. However I’m on your side on this situation. I’m the parent of a profoundly autistic child and if this happened to us I would feel so uncomfortable and upset. I always try to be sensible and eat out at family friendly places where children and noise is likely to be expected rather than fine dining restaurants where people might be paying a lot of money to eat out as a special treat. It definitely depends on the atmosphere of the venue and how appropriate it is for our needs. But my child can be loud, they often vocally project to express their emotions as they are largely non verbal, if someone approached us and requested I keep them quiet (which isn’t possible) I would probably be so upset at the discrimination I’d have to leave (but to be fair any decent venue would ask the other person to go). No one is entitled to a world free of disabled people, whoever this is an issue for should stay home themselves.

Actually it is in a way I am AuDHD and so is my son. We would both had found this boys behaviour very difficult to cope with - I’m fed up with this narrative of everyone has to put up with stuff because someone’s kid is ND. As a parent you manage it, no one should have to pit up with that next to them in a cafe. This narrative is so harmful to us ND people. We avoid situations my DS can’t reasonably open with - I grew up undiagnosed (I’m 50) you learn to behave reasonably

Your husband is your person..and you know he's been having an absolutely terrible time. Yes he misjudged his comment, but I don't think he could have realised or predicted the impact.
If anyone comments you can just say, oh yep I wish he hadnt had said that, but he'd just lost his friend so hes not himself at the moment. Its a big overreaction not to go in, and to lay in to your partner who really, really needs you in his corner right now. But you're stressed going through this alongside him too so its completely understandable that you felt so upset by it.
Be kind to yourself for being human, and then be really kind to him too.
Don't forget ypir each others number one.

Why would they be ableist ? Grief isn’t a disability.

Jesus, his best friend just died, and you still had a go? Come on OP.
try and just draw a line under it, it’s no big deal in the grand scheme of things, and go in for your shift tomorrow.

No one seems to be acknowledging that if OP volunteers there and she asked her husband not to say anything - he chose to affect something that matters to her negatively…I suspect that’s why they had words

OP has since updated. Her DH was stressed, OP clearly felt on edge too. DH went against OP and asked him not to say anything and HE DID. She volenteers at this place so assuming it has regulars. "Noise level" differs to each person but you are in public. As an adult you should have the skill to regulate yourself because DH is expecting that from a child! at the same time. I dont know... I just think its entitled to go to a cafe and expect peace and quiet it is not a library. Kindness works BOTH ways. The child was having fun. My own child is noisy at times at home (he genuinely doesnt realise at times) and I will ask him to keep it down. I would not do this to someone else's child in public.

My sister was out in a supermarket and her DD was having a tantrum. An austic child asked his mum why her DD was being so noisy. Anyway the mum was lovely as my sister burst into tears... she stayed with my sister and chatted and explained that her Son has additional needs.

Compassion works both ways.

I did!

…and if you can’t…you aren’t allowed out??

This thinking is totally why Community Cafes exist ..to welcome excluded people

So you think an adult unable to regulate himself due to grief is reasonable to upset an ND child for not being able to do the same because of disability ?

A posh restaurant, I could understand your husband's reaction. A community cafe you expect all sorts. He sounds like a real piece of work. Does he also kick puppies?

What if you had a disabled child that couldn't help it? " allowed" , my god

Exactly this.

@DoraSpenlow
That boys loudness does not trump what your DH is facing at the moment
Don't overthink
If you don't go in tomorrow then
The NEXT time will be harder to do
That boy needs to understand that his loudness is not always going to be endearing
And an responsible adult has a duty to tell him so
Wishing your DH well

What about on a bus? I frequently ask people- very politely- to stop shouting into their phones. As I can't get away.

When my late sibling was terminally ill, they found loud noises intolerable.

Why should no-one have the right to politely ask people to keep it down to a dull roar to accommodate a terminally ill child?

Clearly you DO think that the right to make a racket trumps other people's needs.

True, but sometimes they csnt help it and they need space to learn. OPs husband was doing what men do, policing a woman's behaviour whilst she was out with her child in a way that he wouldn't if she was with a man