AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

OP has done no wrong here. She is entitled to have feelings. She asked her DH not to say anything. We all have sh*t days... but DH could of suggested to go else where. OP is perfectly entitled to feel embarrassed just the way her DH felt agitated and even went against OP when she warned him not to say anything. The audacity (you not OP).

I'd help them to navigate a social setting which sometimes means they don't get their own way or there are things that might upset them.

One doesn’t trump the other. Grief is horrible, but it’s temporary. Disability isn’t. And grieving absolutely does not absolve you of being intolerant of others.

Their own way ?

I hear you. ❤️ Don't you dare isolate yourself; you both deserve a life lived in the light. If only some of these posters could walk in your shoes for a day.

The wrong bit was getting home and having a go at her husband for it to make him feel worse.

Exactly. So an autistic child CHOOSES to struggle now? Lord give me strength.

I think you owe your husband an apology.

The words he said and the way he said it seemed entirely reasonable.

It’s a shame the boy reacted like that but that’s not your or your husbands responsibility to take it on.

Bearing in mind his current grief I think your priority should be consoling him, not writing on MN talking about how embarrassed you are.

Contentious subject.
No-one is a bad guy here. It's just one of those things. Go for your shift. It's ok. X

OK, an update.

We have had a chat and we have had a cry.

I am worried sick he may have to go through painful treatment and I am terrified of losing him. We have been married for 53 years. I apologised for having a go. Hopefully we will have the results on Monday and we will know where we are.

He is of course worried about his future and we are both worried about me, as I am awaiting a referral for some cardiac issues. He apologised for asking the boy to quieten down and said he would not have done so if he had realised the issue, but he realises it is something I feel strongly about.

We are both very upset about his friend. They may have known each other since school but I have known him almost as long as I have known DH and we are all now in our 70s.

I think a problem is that I used to volunteer for a charity that provided an activity for disabled children, many of whom were autistic and I have heard many times from parents the difficulties they face trying to have some sort of 'normal' life so I am more attuned than he is.

Basically we are both very stressed and frightened and not our normal sunny selves.

I will do my shift tomorrow but for now I think we both need to try and get some sleep.

Thank you all for your comments

As parent to autistic children i wouldn't mind if someone kindly asked to keep the noise down in a cafe or restaurant. But i also wouldn't choose a community cafe to go to when stressed as they are really aimed at welcoming the whole community and often noisy. A more formal quiet place might have been better.

You have hit the nail on the head.
Nobody knows what anyone else is going through so we should all be kind and considerate in a public setting.
The little boys mother didnt know what her husband was going through and so could maybe have managed the situation more effectively

Exactly - but autism doesn't mean you should be given a free pass for anti social behaviour either. It might be harder but you can still learn social norms when you have autism.

He wasn't kicking puppies, he was just saying he would like a bit of quiet for his cup of tea. People feel entitled to make as much noise as they want and it's not OK. They should feel embarrassed and your DH did nothing wrong.

If the child was too loud, your dh is entitled to say so. Slamming discs is inappropriately loud for a café. People need to be mindful of others when in a public place.

Even in a normal cafe its noisy. Maybe we all tolerate different levels of "noise" personally I love a coffee shop. I don't go there for peace and quiet. Unless its early morning you know full well you will hear noises. All sorts. One person's needs dont trump another. You are in a public space!

@DoraSpenlow 💐

so you took your embarrassment out on your poor husband.

What if another ND child had been in who couldn’t cope with the noise?

Whilst I totally agree that adjustments should be made for neurodiversity, the mum should have been discouraging the noise, or changing the game to suit the environment a bit more.

Give your DH a hug from me- losing a friend is devastating.

Anti social behaviour 😂😂😂😂 please that is OTT by far.

This is a child we’re talking about. Being loud isn’t anti social. At twelve he’ll barely be coming to terms with his condition never mind learning the social norms.

What he said wasn’t bad at all and I don’t understand why you’re dwelling on it to this extent

Yeah, so is being mum to an ND child. This isn’t top trumps.

Speaking as someone who is ADHD and Autistic and having a child who is also, the boys parents need to manage his behaviour more. His position does not trump others needs. I’m fed up of this narrative and it’s harmful for people who are neuro diverse. I and my so can’t stand noises environments, esp with sudden unpredictable noises.good on your DH for speaking up

I am a mum to an ND child. I also support ND children in education.