AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

My son is profoundly disabled and makes a noise. It is physically impossible to stop him making a noise. The only way to avoid him disturbing others with his noise would be to not take him in public places.
That’s where I’m at right now, because I can’t cope with other people’s judgement, but it is a lonely and difficult life for us being at home 24/7.

He tackled a group of men for making misogynistic remarks? Are you not proud of him?

Everyone was probably sighing with relief that someone actually asked this boy to quieten down

For every person that you deem to be someone using autism as a ‘get out of jail free card’, there are the same number of us who are so exhausted with the judgement from others that we are reluctant to leave the house with our profoundly autistic children. We’ve had so much judgement that we only leave the house for medical appointments and therapies now.

You think autism is worse than grief?

I'm team tolerance. Nobody has the right to tell each other to tone it down. You both have a right to in a public space.
Nobodys needs trumps another person's.

If you don't like it go somewhere else or just go home into.yoirboen space.

I think any attempt at a comparison is pointless and doesn’t help either party.

This!

Yes you should be absolutely mortified but not because of what your husband did, but by the way you treated him.

Absolutely over reaction. Your DH did nothing wrong

Honestly I fucking despair. My son is profoundly autistic. He is noisy. I can’t tell him to stop being noisy, because he doesn’t understand spoken language. He is non speaking. We don’t ‘trot out autism as an excuse’, he is disabled.
He has never behaved badly in his life, and the only way to ‘shut him up’ would be to knock him unconscious.
We don’t leave our house because of people like you.

Well as a mum of 2 adults with severe autism i would have been shaking his hand. I would never allow them to behave like that in public. The noise wouldn't have bothered my daughter. But my son really does struggle with situations like the OP described.

I agree; I didn't compare.

I’m not sure your H did anything wrong. He was polite in his request.

I agree with those saying that the young lad’s needs don’t completely trump everyone else’s and whilst it’s good to be accommodating of those with different needs your DH does matter too.

Absolutely this.

Neither did the child. Grief doesn’t trump disability.

It’s not about ‘autistic people making noise’.

It’s about someone playing a game which involves repeatedly slamming their hand down noisily on the table AND when they’ve finished the game, going for round 2. That could quite easily have applied to someone who wasn’t autistic.

I’m pretty sure it’s not an autistic trait to play that specific game in that specific cafe.

Can you explain the part where the feelings of an autistic child and their family are more important than the feelings of your husband who is dealing with an incredible amount of emotional turmoil please? Poor, poor man.

You should feel mortified….. For the lack of support and grace you gave to your husband knowing this was one of his toughest days.
Even if your DH wasn’t going through all of what you have discussed, he wasn’t rude and is entitled to ask someone to tone down the noise…

Oh Dear OP. Im not going to lie I would of looked too! Other people obviously heard.

Your DH was out of order because you actually asked him not to say anything. Also people need to learn when you are in public if something doesn't suit you leave and go else where. Kids are noisy at times and whilst nobody wants a ferral child... I say this as a mum. You can't demand or order others.

Go to your shift OP. Lesson learnt for your DH. Nobody is perfect!

For goodness sake OP? He has just lost his best friend and he's waiting on a possible diagnosis of cancer. Show him some care and compassion.